This Stuff Sways In The Family

, , , , | Related | November 28, 2017

(My entire family has managed to come down with something all at the same time. With Mom, it manifests as a mild head cold, but my Dad and I are both dizzy on top of that. Several years ago, I had 18 months of near-constant vertigo, and got used to working around it. This dizziness is a lot milder, so it slows me down but isn’t severe enough to stop me from doing little things, like getting a drink or taking care of my pets. This happens while I’m making my wobbly way to the sofa. Dad is sitting in the room, watching me.)

Me: “We’re quite a pair today, aren’t we?”

Dad: “What’s that they say? ‘The family that sways together, stays together.’?”

Has No Control Over Your Birth-Control

, , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I work in an office filled entirely with women, some of whom are related to each other. Two of my coworkers have become pregnant within the last month. I’m getting a cup of coffee when one of the supervisors starts talking about her daughter’s pregnancy.)

Supervisor: “You know, [Daughter] seems very happy. She told me it was an accident, but she’s so excited to be a mom!”

Me: “Well, good; I’m happy for her.”

Supervisor: “You’ll be next, you know.”

Me: “Um, what now?”

Supervisor: “These things come in waves! You know, [Coworker] is also pregnant!”

Me: “Yes, I was aware of that. She said she was planning to have another baby this year.”

Supervisor: “Well, it comes in waves, so you’re next.”

Me: “No, I don’t think I am. I use birth control.”

Supervisor: “That doesn’t matter!”

Me: “It really, really does.”

Should Go See A Doctor About Your Lizard Foot

, , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(I am about to have an ingrown toenail worked on. I’m talking with my friends about it, during which the following occurs.)

Me: *joking* “Wish me luck, guys. I may never walk the same again.”

Friend #1: “What? Why?”

Friend #2: “Are you serious, [Friend #1]? She may have to have her toe amputated!”

Friend #1: “But… your toes grow back when they’re amputated, right?”

Me: *jaw-drop*

Blindly Ignoring Customers

, , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

(The product I am after has two sizes: 1.25 and 1.5 ml. The packaging is identical in coloration and shape. There’s a slight size difference, but unless you have the two sizes right next to each other, you can’t tell. There is a voucher discount on the larger size, so I go in to pick some up with the voucher, I am shown to the shelf, and the rep picks the items. It isn’t until I’ve paid that I realise there is a problem and go to customer services.)

Me: “Hi, I think I’ve been overcharged for this.”

Customer Services: *sounding bored* “The discount is on the 1.5 ml. You’ve bought the wrong one.”

Me: “Oh. Your helper picked them up for me. Can I exchange them, then?”

Customer Services: *bored* “No, no exchanges. The price and size are printed quite clearly.”

Me: “Yes, but it’s not in Braille.”

(The man behind me cracked up. He said that the customer service rep hadn’t bothered to look up until that point. The look on her face when she saw the white cane was classic. I got my exchange.)

“Ready” To Make A Meal Out Of It

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2017

(I’m in a cashier’s line behind two others, [Customer #1] is a woman on her phone who looks like she’s in a hurry, buying frozen TV dinners. [Customer #2] is an older woman who appears to have nothing to purchase.)

Cashier: “That’ll be [total], please.”

Customer #1: *on the phone* “Yeah, yeah, I’ll have 15 minutes to get there.” *to cashier* “Thanks.”

(Just as she’s bagging, [Customer #2] interjects.)

Customer #2: “How could you do that to yourself?!”

Customer #1: “Excuse me?”

Customer #2: “Those food trays! Do you know how many horrible chemicals are in those? So many preservatives! They’ll kill you!”

(The bagger starts helping her bag faster.)

Customer #2: “How can people eat that stuff? I would never poison myself like that.”

([Customer #1] rolls her eyes and leaves.)

Cashier: “How can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Three packs of [Cigarettes] and a bottle of tequila, please.”

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