Not Quite What Disney Had In Mind

, | Right | February 29, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cinema]. How can I help you?”

Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I go through the list of comedies.)

Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

(I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh… I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

(Stoner hangs up.)

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Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

, , | Right | February 28, 2008

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

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I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2008

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *with her young son* “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to try it, too?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”

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Why Alcohol And Customers Don’t Mix

, , , | Right | January 8, 2008

Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

Me: “Ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

Me: “Uh… it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

*Click*

(Sure enough, she showed up about fifteen minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)

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Think Unsexy Thoughts

, , , | Right | January 7, 2008

Elderly Female: “I didn’t know they had digital scales.”

Me: *rings through scale* “Yup, they’re pretty cool.”

Elderly Female: “Are they accurate?”

Me: “I believe so, they measure to one decimal place too so it’s more accurate to read than a normal scale.”

Elderly Female: “Oh that’s so lovely! I’m going to go home now and weigh myself naked!”

Me: *bad bad image in head*

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