Flattery, The Best Medicine

, , , | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”


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A Little Bit Too Honest There

, , | Right | August 16, 2008

(I used to work at a sporting goods store. One day a young guy of about 12-14 years of age comes in.)

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me where I can find a jock, like, for playing baseball?”

Me: “Oh, you mean a protective cup? Sure, they’re right over here.”

Customer: “Thanks. Oh, are there sizes?”

Me: “Yeah, they’re–”

Customer: *whispers* “I think I’m a small.”

Me: “They’re according to waistband.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Me: “I’ll be over there if you need anything else.”

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Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

, , | Right | August 10, 2008

Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the [Name] wedding party.”

(I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

Me: “And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

Customer: “She can take elevators. It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

(I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

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Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

, , , | Right | August 4, 2008

Customer: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

Customer: “So, you have it?”

Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

(We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

Me: “This is it.”

Customer: “How much?”

Me: “$12.99.”

Customer: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

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Just Quit While You’re Ahead, Part 2

, , | Right | July 31, 2008

Me: “Hi, I haven’t seen you in a while! How are you?”

Elderly Resident: “Good. You’re getting chubby.”

Me: “Really? I’ve been working out every day for about a month now.”

Elderly Resident: “Oh… maybe your boobs are just getting smaller.”


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