Mmm, Moisturizer

, , | Right | October 20, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to return this lotion. It gives me a rash.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(The customer hands me her used lotion. Half the bottle has been used up.)

Customer: “What do you do with the returned lotion?”

Me: “Well, since this is used, I have to mark it out and throw the product away.”

Customer: “Like, in the garbage?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “But there are starving children in China!”

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An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 13, 2009

Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

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A Face For Every Occasion

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2009

(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic! I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

Me: “It’s probably something else, then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

Customer: “Like… what?”

Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

Me: “In your sleep?”

Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

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If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

, , , | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009

Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

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Time For An Allergic Retraction

, , | Right | October 2, 2009

Customer: “Can I have the breakfast sandwich without tomato, please?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but the sandwich is pre-made. You can just take the tomato off it, if you want.”

Customer: “No! I’m extremely allergic to tomatoes. That could kill me!”

Me: “Well, if you want to wait five minutes or so, I’ll make you one special without tomatoes.”

Customer: “That would be great.”

(I go to the kitchen, wash everything that might have touched a tomato, and make the guy a sandwich. I come back out and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks. You got any ketchup?”


This story is part of our roundup about people lying about their health! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

13 Reasons Why Healthcare Workers Should Rule The World

 

Read the next story in this roundup here!

Read the roundup itself here!

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