Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels

, , | Right | June 15, 2009

Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

(The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

Customer: *suddenly calm again* “My friend and I are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun, then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

(The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

(The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

Co-Worker: “I love working here.”

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Mixing In Danger Costs Extra

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like vanilla ice cream with peanut butter cups mixed in, please.”

Me: “Okay, is that all for you?”

Customer: “Yes, and just so you know, I’m allergic to peanuts. Can you make sure it’s nut-free?”

Me: “Uh… you just ordered PEANUT butter cups for your ice cream…

Customer: “I thought you guys could do allergy-safe ice cream. The sign says you can make sure my food is allergy-safe!”

Me: “Well, yes… but you need to order food without peanuts in it first…”

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The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

, , | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009

Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

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Outlaws In Utero

, , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

Me: “Um… I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

Caller: “Oh!”

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It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

, , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “[Beauty Supply Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know… is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

(At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

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