Not Making Your Point Sharply

, , , , , , , | Related | November 30, 2017

(I live with my mum, but I’m an adult. She has bought a boning knife and has used it to — unsuccessfully — debone a fish. I’m washing up after this attempt and our following meal.)

Mum: *calling at me from the other room* “Be careful when washing up. My new knife is in the sink, and it’s extremely sharp, unlike the rest of our knives.”

Me: “Too late; I already stabbed myself!”

Mum: *rushing in* “WHAT?! WHERE!?”

Me: *calmly, whilst brandishing my hand at her* “Here.”

(There is a tiny pinprick of an injury on my hand. There is a pause.)

Me: “Well, are you going to kiss my boo-boo better?”

(She didn’t kiss it better.)

Putting The A** In Asthma

, , , , , , | Learning | November 30, 2017

(We are in science class, and my friend comes up to me with what looks like a tongue depressor, probably just a lollipop stick.)

Friend: “Cough on this.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “Just do it!

(I cough on it. He instantly starts rubbing it around in his mouth.)

Me: “What the hell are you doing?”

Friend: “Shut up. I’m trying to get asthma!”

Me: “It’s not contagious.”

Friend: “Shut up. How the hell would you know?”

Me: “I have asthma, maybe?”

(He walks away still sucking the stick. Half an hour later.)

Friend: “Sir, I feel faint. I can’t see straight. I think I have asthma.”

Teacher: “If you had asthma you would find it difficult to breathe.”

Friend: “That, too!” *falls on floor*

(I sincerely hope he was joking.)

Has Some Hang-Ups About Working There

, , , , | Working | November 29, 2017

(I’ve been working at [Retailer] for about two months. One morning, I wake up feeling like death and unable to speak because my throat is so swollen. I’m supposed to be working this morning, so I ask my mum to call in for me, which she does. I can hear my mum’s side of the conversation, and a bit of what the manager is saying.)

Mum: “Hi, this is [My Name]’s mother. I’m afraid she’s unwell today and can’t come in, but she has a doctor’s appointment booked. Also, she cannot speak, so I’m calling on her behalf.”

Boss: *in a somewhat sarcastic voice* “Well, I’m sure she can handle calling me herself.”

Mum: “But like I said, she can’t speak. That’s why I’m calling for her.”

Boss: “Well, that’s just tough!” *hangs up*

Mum: *puts her head round the door with a shocked and now angry expression* “Can you believe that? He just hung up on me!”

(She called him back and told him how rude he was to hang up on her. His response? He hung up again. I didn’t work there for much longer.)

A Sickening List Of Ingredients

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2017

(My mum and I work and live together, and we’ve swung by the local supermarket to pick up some things. My day has been awful, so I go around picking things up for myself. I meet up again with my mum before checking out.)

Mum: “Milkshake and cream dessert? You’re not allowed dairy! You’ll get sick!”

Me: “Tobacco and wine? You’ve got half a working lung! You are sick!”

Mum: *pauses* “Touché.”

(No, neither of us put anything back.)

Too Chicken To Go Vegan

, , , , , | Related | November 28, 2017

(I’ve been going through some stomach issues and the doctor suggests I might be lactose intolerant. She suggests cutting out cheese for a while and seeing how I feel. My sister is becoming fascinated with the idea of becoming vegan, but hasn’t yet made the full commitment. We go to a local Mexican restaurant and order mango chicken burrito salad bowls. Due to my stomach issues, I get mine without beans or cheese. As we are leaving after eating, my sister turns to me all excited.)

Sister: “So, I noticed that you didn’t get cheese with your order. Are you thinking of maybe becoming a vegan, too?”

Me: *looking at her, confused* [Sister], we just ate chicken!”

Sister: “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

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