Better Off Popular

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

(I am a lifeguard and jumped in to help a boy who had wandered into deep water. This interaction happens with his mother after I help the boy out of the water.)

Mother: *running over* “What happened?!”

Me: “Everything is OK, ma’am. Your son just went too deep into the water. He should be fine.”

Mother: “Well, why the h*** did you help him?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mother: “Why did you have to jump in and help him?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s my job, and your son was having trouble swimming–”

Mother: *interrupting* “You idiot! You embarrassed my son in front of everyone! Don’t you think you should have thought about how embarrassing that must have been for a little boy?!”

Me: “Actually, no I didn’t think about that. I was more concerned about your son drowning than him being embarrassed.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous! Why the h*** would you ever be more concerned about THAT?!”

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Simultaneously Fighting And Financing The Man

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

(This took place at a department store makeup counter. Everyone at the counter was wearing big makeup masks at the time.)

Customer: “Why are you wearing that?”

Me: “Well, we’re having a ‘theme day’ to be creative and have fun with the makeup we sell.”

Customer: “You know it’s bad for you, right?”

Me: “The makeup?”

Customer: “Yeah! All the CLEVER people say that!”

Coworker: *jumping in* “Well, we have educations here, too, and–”

Customer: “Yeah, sure… you’re educated to sell this… this, stuff!”

Me: “Whether the makeup is bad for you or not depends on the ingredients. I’m happy to look every one of those up for you if you’re worried about the makeup harming you.”

Customer: “Yeah, right. All the dangerous ingredients are going to go right through my skin… and… the CLEVER people say that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m a chemistry major as well as a makeup artist, so I actually do know about the ingredients. I can assure you that–”

Customer: *turns to my coworker* “Could you help me find a blusher in a color that would suit me, please?”

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That Hot Tub Had Better Be Filled With Spermicide

, , , , | Right | February 17, 2009

(A woman comes in walking with her daughter trailing behind her and cuts in front on several people.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but someone here yesterday told my 15-year-old daughter she was pregnant and I would like to complain.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can straighten this out. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in line, these people were–”

Customer: “This won’t take long. I just need you to apologize for lying!”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t diagnose your daughter so if–”

Customer: “She can’t be pregnant; she’s 15 AND a virgin. She’s waiting until marriage so unless this is the immaculate conception, I’m going to need an apology.”

Me: “Ma’am, like I said, I did not personally–”

Customer: “How hard is it to get an apology here!? YOU CANNOT JUST GO AROUND TELLING YOUNG GIRLS THEY ARE PREGNANT! THIS IS WHY THE TEEN PREGNANCY RATES ARE SO HIGH, YOU KNOW!

Me: “Ma’am, it doesn’t quite work like that. Now, if you could just–”

Customer: “All I want is an apology. My daughter has been traumatized!”

Me: “Fine, I’ll call the doctor and I’ll see if he can speak to you for a moment.”

Customer: “Tell him to get his butt down here right away, too. My daughter had to leave her boyfriend in the hot tub!”

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The Price For Solitude

, , | Right | February 3, 2009

Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms; why do you give those to other patients?”

Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

(I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

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Why You Never, Ever Share Toothbrushes

, , | Right | January 29, 2009

Customer: “I need to return this toothbrush.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No — I thought it would work.”

Me: “How did it not work?”

Customer: “Well, it said it had indicator bristles, and when I peed on them they didn’t change color! How is it supposed to indicate if I’m pregnant or not?!”

Me: “Ma’am… they’re to indicate whether the toothbrush needs replacing, not whether you’re pregnant.”

Customer: *looks sheepish and leaves*

Me: *to manager* “I’m going on break now…”

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