, , , , | Right | June 1, 2017

Me: “You meal should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

Patron: “Thank you. Also, just as a warning: I’m diabetic, and my blood sugar is quite low.”

Me: “Oh, my. I could have something brought out of you’re feeling unwell?”

Patron: “Oh, no. It’s fine. Also my family can sue you if you don’t save me!”

Me: “…”

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Sex With Real Bite

, , , , | Learning | May 31, 2017

Health Teacher: “What is the most important sexual organ?”

Student: “Teeth?”

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Hope You Don’t Get Him Next Period

, , , | Learning | May 30, 2017

(It’s the beginning of the year and we’re in our first maths lesson when a girl asks to be excused. The teacher allows it but goes completely insane when he realises she’s taking her bag with her.)

Teacher: “SIT BACK DOWN!”

Girl: “But, please. I need to go!”

Teacher: “I do not tolerate lying. SIT BACK DOWN!”

Other Girl: “But, sir. She really needs to go! She’s—”

Teacher: “SIT BACK DOWN!”

(Everyone stared at the girl as she sat back down, embarrassed and clearly in pain. For the rest of the lesson she squirmed in silence, with the teacher glaring at her every other minute, ensuring she was completely subdued. It was extremely uncomfortable to watch. The second the bell rang she bolted, ignoring the teacher’s screams and attempts to follow. When he came back into the classroom, the girl who protested before stood up and pointed at the girl’s seat. I couldn’t see it, but the teacher went pale and excused everyone. He went on leave shortly after and hasn’t taught us since, much to the class’ and the girl’s relief.)

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Only Periodically Interrupted

, , , , , | Related | May 26, 2017

(My sister and I are very close, but lately we haven’t had any time together to just chat without the husbands and sons around. We are sitting in my living room, just catching up, and having normal conversation about nothing in particular and have finally cracked the code for personal time. My husband walks in and sits down.)

Sister: *without missing a beat* “…and so I’m reasonably sure it’s not related to my period…”

(Husband walks out.)

Me: “Yeah, it works every time. So you were saying?” *normal conversation*

(Her twelve-year-old son walks in.)

Me: “…so you don’t think that any of this could be related to your menstrual cycle?”

Sister: “No, it’s been normal flow and consistency…”

Son: “Okay, I’m out of here.”

(Her son RUNS out; normal conversation resumes; her husband walks in again.)

Me: “…well, PMS can cause that if you recently…”

(Her husband walked out. We were not disturbed again!)

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Go Back To Sour Candies

, , , | Learning | May 21, 2017

(We are doing an experiment with acids. My partner has been sneaking chocolate out of her bag every few minutes. The teacher notices.)

Teacher: “Do not eat in a science classroom!”

Partner: *mumbling with chocolate* “Sorry, mith.”

(She completely ignores the order and continues. As she’s leaning down for another piece, she knocks a beaker over. I run to get some towels and when I get back she’s acting strangely. He’s fanning her hands and tearing up.)

Partner: “MITH! MITH, MY MOUTH—” *swallows chocolate* “MOUTH IS BURNING!”

Teacher: “What? What’s going on?”

Me: “We spilled some acid, but…”

Partner: “Ow! I dropped some chocolate in it, and when I ate it…”

(She didn’t have to finish her sentence before the teacher went white. She then dragged my partner out of the classroom.)

Partner: “But miss, you said it wouldn’t hurt!”

Teacher: “No, I said wouldn’t burn your HANDS if you washed it off immediately. It isn’t strong enough to do much harm on the outside, but putting it in your mouth… You stupid girl!”

(She ended up having to go to hospital, but made a full recovery. The entire school had to have a safety assembly over the risk when working in a science class.)

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