Messy In More Ways Than One

, , , , , | Romantic | November 8, 2017

(I have a sore throat and just started my period. My boyfriend is off to the store to get me some supplies. I ask him to bring some honey for my sore throat, but he doesn’t write that on his list so I half-assume he will forget, as he tends to be quite forgetful. I hear him come home so I go downstairs to the kitchen, and see he has brought the honey.)

Me: “Oh, fantastic, you remembered!”

(Due to hormones, my gratitude is unbelievable and I start to tear up. My boyfriend then proceeds to conjure a HUGE chocolate bar from the grocery bag, holds it to my crotch and yells:)

Boyfriend: “SATAN HAS BEEN FED!”

(The humor and overwhelming gratitude, amplified by my period, get the best of me, and I start sobbing hysterically and smothering my boyfriend in the tightest hug.)

Me: *sobbing like crazy* “TH…TH…TH… THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend: *is genuinely TERRIFIED and stutters* “Wha… what did I do? Wrong flavor?”

Me: *still sobbing* “I LOVE YOU!”

(He carefully tried to pry himself free of my smothering embrace, seriously concerned about what was wrong with me. I finally calmed down and blamed it on the hormones. Now, every time the topic of periods comes up, he mentions this story again and how scared and confused he was. “Don’t ever do that again!” he begs me.)

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Exhausted All Other Excuses

, , , | Right | November 8, 2017

(We run a small shop that sells and repairs motorbikes. We sell a small motorbike to a couple for their child. They come back in after a few days.)

Customer: “It’s running hot.”

Me: “Why do you think it’s running hot?”

Customer: “The exhaust melted a hole in my daughter’s $80 riding pants.”

Me: “Did she get burnt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “The riding pants have done their job, then. But what makes you think it’s running hot?”

Customer: “My husband touched the exhaust and burnt his hand!”

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Littered Thoughts All Over The Place

, , , | Right | November 7, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me? This is a bit embarrassing, but could I exchange this?” *points at a bag of cat litter* ” I really just bought it; it’s totally fine.”

Employee: “Um, well… I don’t think it’s an issue. Did you need another brand?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s for my baby, actually.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. Did you–“

Customer: “Oh, Lord, no! Sorry, I’m so sorry! I need diapers. See, there is a thing called pregnancy dementia, and obviously, it’s got me. I needed something for the poo and got mixed up. I know I should make a list, but I forgot the list and this is so… Sorry!”

Employee: “No, no, that’s okay. I’ll just return this, and it’s fine, really.”

(She thanks the poor girl profusely and pulls out her phone, which features a cat as screen saver.)

Customer: “S***! Hold on! We have a cat! Of course! I needed the litter and diapers!”

(She was handed the bag of litter and left, excusing herself over and over. Diapers? Nowhere to be seen.)

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Have Faith And You Will See

, , , , | Friendly | November 7, 2017

(My pastor is chatting with a lady who is blind.)

Lady: “I wish you would do more of the older songs. I don’t know the words to these newer songs.”

Pastor: “We have the words up on the screen.”

Lady: “Like I can see it.”

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Some People Have The Nerve

, , , , , | Learning | November 6, 2017

(One of my friends at college has a hidden disability. Her nerve endings send pain signals so she is in constant pain; however, walking is doable. On top of that, she needs a hip replacement at the age of 18, which makes stairs impossible. This means she takes the lift just going up a single flight of stairs. I’ve started going with her because she’s told me people often make comments. We get the lift with a group of guys who are on the sports degree. I press the button for floor one.)

Guy #1: *condescendingly* “That’s lazy, don’t you think?”

Me: *smiles* “My friend’s nerve endings don’t work properly, which means she’s in constant agony. Plus, she needs a double hip replacement due to a birth defect.”

(There’s silence.)

Guy #2: *to [Guy #1] in a light jovial tone* “Bet you feel like a right d*** now.”

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