A Different Kind Of Lip-Service

, , , , , , | Related | February 25, 2018

(My brother-in-law is over to play fighting games with my husband, and we are all clearing the coffee table so they can have it to put their fight sticks on. My brother-in law picks up my lip balm that was on the table.)

Brother-In-Law: “Is this lip balm from your gynecologist?

Me: “Yeah, they just have a bunch of them in a basket when you check out.”

Husband: “Isn’t that a little weird?”

Me: “No! They want you to take care of both sets of lips!”

Brother-In-Law & Husband: *horrified looks and awkward laughs*

Brother-In-Law: “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM MY SISTER-IN-LAW!”

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Becoming A Grandmother Far Too Early

, , , , , | Related | February 24, 2018

(I am a young mother. My youngest son is two and just learning to talk. At this time, my sister-in-law is pregnant, and my sister is trying.)

Son: “Mommy, I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Oh, really? How did that happen?”

Son: “I wanted to try it.”

(I guess we talk about pregnancy too much in our house.)

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Trying To Pad Out The Sale

, , , , , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(We run a business that supplies weapons, clothing, and armour for Live Action Role Play [LARP] and re-enactment. We often set up and sell directly to customers at games, as well as participating in the combat ourselves.)

Me: “So, you want the full set of plate armour? That’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Great. I can’t wait!”

Me: “Do you have a gambeson?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a type of padded jacket you need to wear underneath most armours. It’s great for protecting your real-world squishy meat sack from the physical force of the blows, and—”

Customer: “Nah, it’s fine. They’re just toy swords. How much damage can they do?”

Me: “Again, it’s full, steel-plate armour, and without a gambeson to pad it, a lot of the force on it is transferred straight to your body. I suppose if you have, like, a puffy winter jacket—”

Customer: “Listen. Stop trying to upsell me, all right?! I’ve been doing this stuff for years! Just… the d***… armour.”

Me: “All right. It’s your call, mate.”

(I processed the sale, and then assisted him into the armour, as it’s very difficult to achieve alone, and the customer had no friends to help. An hour after that, full combat started, and I could see this guy running down the field at full tilt. A minute later, a Code Red was called for a serious injury that required the medical officer. The customer had fallen over and cracked a rib inside his own armour, because there was no padding.)

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He’s Going Swimmingly

, , | Right | February 23, 2018

(I am a lifeguard at a community pool. A man has just come up to me, concerned about another patron.)

Patron: *pointing at the older man who is swimming laps* “Is he dead?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patron: “He looks like he’s dead in the water.”

(My lifeguard stand is higher than his eye level, so I can see that the man is moving, but this patron can’t.)

Me: “No, he’s alive… I think… Thanks for being concerned with him, anyway.”

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Blind To Reason, Part 7

, , , , , , , | Working | February 22, 2018

(I’ve been badly near-sighted since childhood and have worn glasses or contact lenses nearly all my life. My driver’s license states that I’m required to wear them to drive. I am wearing contacts when I have my driver’s license picture taken. Four years later, I’m in the Bureau of Motor Vehicles office to renew my license, but now I’m wearing glasses. It’s time to take the eye test.)

BMV Employee: “You need to take off your glasses.”

Me: “Why? I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing them in this picture.”

Me: “That’s because I was wearing contacts then. Now, I wear glasses.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take them off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing glasses in this picture. Take them off.”

Me: “I didn’t wear glasses then. Now, I do. Check my driver’s license. It has a restriction for glasses or contacts.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take your glasses off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: *very snippy* “If you want to get your license renewed today, you need to take your glasses off.”

Me: *knowing what’s about to happen* “Okay.”

BMV Employee: “Read line five on the chart.”

Me: “I can’t even see line five.”

BMV Employee: “Okay, read line four.”

Me: “I can’t see line four.”

BMV Employee: “Read line three.”

Me: “I can’t see that, either.”

BMV Employee: *disgusted* “What can you see?”

Me: “Nothing. Just a blur.”

BMV Employee: *sarcastic, like this is all my fault and I’m the stupid one here* “Well, maybe you should put your glasses on!”

Me: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

Related:
Blind To Reason, Part 6
Blind To Reason, Part 5
Blind To Reason, Part 4

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