At Least Someone Is Receiving Maintenance…

, , | | Right | April 30, 2009

(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office, and a mom called me 5 minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We were getting ready to close for the weekend.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic], my name is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call – you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails… I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

Me: “…”

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Pinheaded, Part 2

, , , | | Right | April 28, 2009

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

 

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Living On The Edge Of Anaphylactic Shock

, , , | | Right | April 24, 2009

(A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?”

Me: “Well, right now we have lemon-drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.”

(I ring her out and she goes on her way. Twenty minutes later I get a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and… MY GOD I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?”

Me: “…well, the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have…peanuts in them.”

Customer: “OH MY GOD!” *hangs up*

(Only two weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.)

Customer: *looks at the cookies again* “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.”

Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?”

Customer: “WHAT?! Well… what about the orange walnut cookies?”

Me: “Those have walnuts in them.”

Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?”

Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.”

Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.”

Me: “Look – really the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.”

Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind then!”

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History And Cookbooks Are Written By The Victors

, , , , | | Right | April 24, 2009

(An older lady is looking through the buffet when she comes to our Japanese section. She eyes the sashimi.)

Customer: “Oh! Is this smoked salmon?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s actually sashimi, the Japanese way of serving fish, so it’s cleaned and served raw.”

Customer: “Raw? That can’t be healthy! Are you sure you are allowed to serve raw fish? Someone could get sick!”

Me: “I can assure you, raw salmon won’t get anyone sick. We have served this for years.”

Customer: “But it’s raw! Someone will get sick! That’s what raw fish does – gets people sick!”

Me: “Ma’am, the Japanese have been eating raw fish for centuries. I think it will be okay.”

Customer: “Well, they also lost World War 2. I don’t think this is safe!”

Me: “…”

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Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days

, , , | | Right | April 23, 2009

(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy], this is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’ – can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know sir, maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

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