Seize Any Opportunity

, , , , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(I’m not a paramedic, but I am trained to deal with epilepsy and seizures. While at a store, a customer starts having a seizure. I rush over and start helping, when someone else jumps in.)

Customer #1: “Give him CPR!”

Me: “He doesn’t need CPR; his heart is fine.”

Customer #1: “He’ll stop breathing. Move out of the way!”

Me: “He’s having a seizure!”

Customer #1: “Move! I’ll help him!”

(He tries pushing me out of the way, but instead falls on the ground.)

Customer #1:She hurt me! So much pain!”

Customer #2: “Dude, I saw what happened. Get away from her!”

(He grumbled a bit and left. The customer on the floor was fine, and did not need CPR.)

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Finally Made Her Crack

, , , , | Romantic | October 25, 2017

(My boyfriend has always had a problem with me cracking my knuckles. He’s tried everything to get me to stop. On one occasion, I am about to crack my knuckles when my boyfriend grabs my hand.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Stopping you! Every time you try to crack, I’m going to rub them until you stop!”

(He starts rubbing my knuckles, and for a few seconds he looks satisfied, until he raises my finger and it causes one of the knuckles to crack. He lets go instantly and curls up on the other end of the sofa, looking thoroughly disgusted with himself.)

Me: “Cheers, babe!”

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Would Have You Do Hard Labor To Replace It

, , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(I am leaving the fitting rooms when I hear a woman scream in pain and shout that her waters have broken. I pull the curtain back to see her on the floor crippled with pain and call 999. Several store workers also arrive, and we try to assist the woman in the best way we can. A manager then approaches.)

Manager: “Did you damage anything?”

Customer: “What?”

Manager: “Did YOU damage anything?”

(The customer and I stare at each other incredulously.)

Me: “She’s in labour!”

Manager: “We have a policy, sir.” *to the customer* “If you damaged anything, you will have to purchase them.”

Customer: “Whatever!”

(The emergency services arrive and carry her out in a gurney. As she is leaving, the manager comes up with a soaked bag and a chip and pin machine.)

Manager: “You aren’t going anywhere until you pay!”

Paramedic: “Sir, this woman is in labour! Surely this can wait!”

Manager: “Not on your life!”

(Then the manager thrust the chip and pin into the customer’s hands. As if preordained, the customer experienced a contraction at the same time, and screamed again while, literally, crushing the chip and pin between her hands. The manager yelped and fled, shouting to just forget it. I couldn’t imagine the strength the woman had in that moment, but she certainly made my day. I never found out what happened to her after that, but I hope she and her child are doing well.)

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Gauze And Effect

, , , | Healthy | October 24, 2017

(I have a minor surgery on my foot. By chance, the only gauze the doctor has to wrap it is bright red. I head home after, and my husband is already home. He has some emergency first aid experience.)

Me: “Ugh, it hurts. I guess I should take my sock off, see if that eases some pressure.”

(I take my sock off slowly.)

Me: *fake surprise* “Whoah, that’s red!”

Husband: *stares blankly*

Me: “Aww, you’re no fun. I thought the red gauze would freak you out.”

Husband: “So it’s gauze?”

Me: “Yep. It’s all the doctor had. It startled me so I thought I’d try and get you, too. You’re not as surprised as I thought you’d be.”

Husband: *calmly* “I was screaming internally.”

(He was actually really upset. Whoops!)

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Not A Very Cheery-o Teacher

, , , , , , | Learning | October 24, 2017

(We have this substitute who comes in for any teacher who is sick, and she has an extremely strict no-food policy. If you are caught eating, she calls you out with a typical “Do you have enough for everyone?” and if you don’t, she throws your food out. One girl in our class is diabetic and needs to eat to keep her blood sugar up. We all know this, but the sub apparently missed the memo.)

Classmate: *pulls out bag of cereal*

Substitute Teacher: “And so we learned that— excuse me! Are you eating in my class?”

(The room goes dead silent.)

Classmate: “I… I… Um.”

Substitute Teacher: “Do you have enough for the entire class? You know my policy!”

Classmate: “But I’m diabetic.”

Substitute Teacher: *goes quiet* “Well… t-that’s still no excuse!”

(She then confiscated the diabetic kid’s food anyway. She was later fired.)

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