Making A Complete Boob Of Himself

, , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2017

(My husband and I are sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been feeling well.)

Me: “Ugh. My boobs are sore.”

Husband: “Why?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just are; they’re really swollen.”

Husband: “Hmm. Maybe you should go put on a bra.”

Me: “…”

Husband: “What?! That’s why I bought you comfortable ones…”

Me: “That’s… not how that works…”

(Twelve years together, and apparently I have taught him nothing.)

Everyone Will Be Graded Very “High”

, , , , | Learning | September 1, 2017

I took several lecture courses in college, some of which were with a professor with serious health problems. During one of these courses, he was diagnosed with kidney stones, and was prescribed some very POTENT painkillers before his scheduled surgery, because kidney stones hurt like h***.

Unfortunately, they muddled his judgement, in addition to suppressing the pain. So, he proceeded to come to campus anyway, and delivered the most unintelligible lecture in the history of the English language, complete with PowerPoint slides.

Thankfully, once the stones were gone, his lectures returned to their normal, pre-opioid state.

And yes, I passed. (Pun intended.)

His Work Ethic Is Not Broken

, , , , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(We have someone coming in for a job interview, which I’m preparing for. I get a call from one of the employees, who is freaking out and telling me to come down right away. When I get there, I see our interviewee leaning against the counter, covered in blood and with a clearly broken arm.)

Me: “Oh my gosh, sir! Are you okay? I’ll call you an ambulance right away!” *I notice that one of my employees is already on the phone with 911.*

Interviewee: *clearly in pain* “Oh, it’s okay, I’ll go to the hospital after the interview.”

Me: “What happened?”

Interviewee: “I tried to pull my cat from a tree branch outside and fell out of a second story window onto cement. Don’t worry about it. So, the interview?”

Me: “Sir, I know you want this job, but if you had called us and told us what had happened, I would have understood completely why you couldn’t make it in today and rescheduled!”

Interviewee: “Hey, while we’re waiting for the ambulance, do you think we can maybe quickly have that interview? I get the feeling I’ll be preoccupied the next couple of weeks.”

Me: “Uh… okay, sir.”

(Since the idea of the interview seemed to keep him calm, I agreed and gave him one on the spot while we waited, which he aced despite the fact that he was clearly in a lot of pain. When I told my boss what had happened, he told me to hire him, saying anyone who insisted on coming in despite a broken arm was clearly dedicated to getting that job. He’s been one of our best and most dedicated employees, to the point where we actually have to beg him not to come into work whenever he gets sick, because he refuses to call off.)

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You’re The Only One Dying To Go There

, , , , , , | Related | August 31, 2017

(My siblings and I are talking about what we want to do for lunch. My sister is highly allergic to most citrus fruits, as well as many types of seafood, to the point where most allergy protection systems restaurants use aren’t enough.)

Me: “We should go to [Popular Restaurant where they cook the food in front of you]!”

Sister: “I can’t eat there.”

Me: “Why? Don’t like the food?”

Sister: “Nope. Don’t like the death.”

The Explosive Subject Of Contraception

, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2017

(I’m talking quietly to a female friend about birth control at a party.)

Me: “So, my doctor recommended I get an IUD inserted—”

Eavesdropping Male Friend: *loudly* “Why’d your doctor tell you to get an IED inserted?”

(I had to explain to a roomful of people that no, my doctor hadn’t told me to get an improvised explosive device implanted in me.)

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