Arachnocculophobia

, , , , | Working | October 3, 2017

(Towards the end of a seven-hour shift standing under speakers blasting music, my hearing is a bit out of whack.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager], what was it you were saying about dead spider glasses?”

Manager: “Nothing, hopefully. I said I’d managed to find a place for that last red spiral glass.”

(Later, I answer a call from a customer whose enunciation isn’t the clearest.)

Me: *to my manager and a nearby coworker, after I’ve placed the customer on hold* “Do either of you know if we carry Candy Cane Nectarine Holders?”

Coworker: “Nectarine holders?”

Manager: “Try napkin rings.”

(I check on the candy cane napkin rings. We don’t have any either in our store, online, or in the local area, so I take the customer off hold to let her know.)

Me: “I figure, either way, we didn’t have what she was looking for, so I wasn’t lying per se.”

Manager: “Go home.”

An Immortal Cure For Hiccups

, , , , | Related | October 3, 2017

(My cousin has hiccups bad enough that he nearly chokes while eating.)

Me: “Do you need me to tell you something scary to help you get rid of them?”

Cousin: “Sure.”

Me: “Someday, you and everyone you love will die!”

Cousin: *waits a moment and hiccups* “Nope. Didn’t do anything.”

Me: “One day, our planet will die and be engulfed by the sun!”

Cousin: *hiccups* “Doesn’t really bother me.”

Me: “[Grandmother neither of us gets along with] may be immortal!”

(After a start, he waits for a hiccup. When some time, passes we start to realize that they’re actually gone.)

Me: “Wait, that actually worked? Everyone dying and being devoured by the sun didn’t scare you, but that did it?”

Cousin: “That’s messed up! I’m telling your mom that one!”

Seriously Injuring Your Grade

, , , , , | Learning | October 2, 2017

(It is the last day of exams. I am crossing the parking lot, when a car comes speeding into the lot and hits me, but they drive off before I can get their licence. They injure my arm and leg, and I am immobile. There is no one around, since I am already almost late for my exam. I see a different car come into the lot, at reasonable speed, and park.)

Me: “HEY, DUDE! HELP ME!”

Guy: “I’M LATE!”

Me: “WHAT THE F***?! I AM BLEEDING AND HURT! HELP ME!”

Guy: “I’M ALREADY LATE FOR [Professor who is also my uncle]’S EXAM!”

Me: “WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IF YOU TELL THE PROFESSOR YOU HELPED AN INJURED GIRL HE WON’T MIND!”

Guy: “SORRY!”

(He runs into the school. Luckily, some security guard sees my struggle on the security camera and comes to my aid. After winter break, I visit my uncle’s class to give a lecture, since I am getting a Master’s in his subject of study. The guy who was so worried about being late comes into class, with a minute before the class starts, and I decide to improvise my opening a bit.)

Me: “Let me tell you all a story on humanity before we jump into [subject]. The last day of final exams, I got hit by a car.” *cue gasps* “A guy came into the parking lot, saw me bleeding, and decided his final exam was more important than helping me. Let me tell you: school may be important, but it is not the only thing! Let’s say a professor failed you because you didn’t show up. You’ll have me as a witness, there’s cameras everywhere, and hospital bills to prove the severity. No reasonable professor, especially this professor, will fail you when you have this much proof to prove your point. Especially when the injured person is his only niece.”

(I look the guy who abandoned me right in the eyes. His face is red and he is squirming, because he knows I am talking about him. I walk right up to his desk and put my hand on his desk.)

Me: “Understand? I hope you’re never alone and injured, because with your karma you’d be dead in minutes.”

(I let that simmer in the air and then…)

Me: *cheerily* “Now, back on topic here!”

The Most Annoying Growth In The Room Isn’t The Tumor

, , , , , | Working | September 28, 2017

(I’m visiting my doctor for a checkup following a surgery to remove an early-stage cancerous tumor. When the checkup is finished, the physician asks me if I have any other questions or concerns.)

Me: “Well, actually, I’m worried about [hormonal disorder]. I’ve a fam—”

Doctor: *cutting me off* “You don’t have that.”

Me: “What? My mother has this disorder, my sister has just recently been diagnosed, and we’re fairly certain my grandmother had it, too. Plus, I noticed—”

Doctor: “You don’t have that. If you did, we’d be seeing [other, unrelated symptom], and we’re not. So, you don’t have it. Anything else you want to ask me about?”

(Irritated, I told the doctor that I didn’t have any more questions, and left. I ended up contacting a different doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor asked me about my symptoms and medical history, and then immediately sent me for diagnostic tests. It turns out that I DO have the disorder, and a fairly severe case, too! She couldn’t believe it when I told her that my usual doctor wouldn’t even look into my concerns, when all of my symptoms and history pointed to this disorder. It just goes to show you the value of getting a second opinion, and that it’s okay to “fire” your physician if they aren’t doing a good job!)

Keeping Things Clean In This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | September 28, 2017

(My partner has severe OCD. Thanks to a particularly disgusting scene in a certain movie about a hotel for dogs, they get sick if human hair wraps around their hands, feet, or face. It’s worse if they find hair in their food. Normally, I have to clean the shower drain before they can use it. On this day, I’m feeling really sick. I lie down and pass out for a while. When I come to, I hear the shower running.)

Me: *thinking* “That’s weird. I guess it was clean enough?”

(I walk over to the bathroom and start laughing. My partner has their head over the edge of the tub, and is trying to scrub as best they can.)

Partner: “Oh! Hi! I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to shower.”

Me: “Aww, thanks for letting me sleep.”

Partner: “Of course! You need your rest when you’re sick.”

Me: “I love you.”

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