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Acting More Precious Than The Jewels

, , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work in the fine jewelry section of a department store, and this is a conversation I’ve had numerous times with different customers.)

Customer: *trying on a gold and diamond pendant necklace* “This is pretty. I’ll get this one.”

Me: “Sure! Let me ring that up for you.”

Customer: “Oh, could I get one from the back?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we only have one of these in stock.”

Customer: *disappointed* “Really?”

Me: “Yes, the majority of our higher-end pieces will only have one per store.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I wanted one that hasn’t been touched. Could I get another discount then, since this is a display item?”

(Our fine jewelry is kept in locked glass cases.)

Me: “No, ma’am, unfortunately, that’s not something we can do. If you like, I can order you one from the warehouse?”

Customer: *sighs* “No, that’s too much trouble. I guess I’ll just take this.”

(With the number of pieces we have, it’s rare for an item to be tried on by more than a single customer. And while I’ve had this conversation about necklaces, bracelets, and rings, I’ve never had it about earrings, which is the ONLY sort of jewelry you might be concerned about someone before you trying on. We are careful to clean them with alcohol after. I’ve never had this issue in the years I worked in clothes, and you don’t want to know how many people tried on that dress before you did!)

Pearls Of Irony

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(I get a phone call from out of state, which happens more often than it should. I happen to answer it.)

Me: “Moshi-Moshi?”

(Because I don’t recognize the number, I have a little fun with it. It’s the polite Japanese greeting over the telephone.)

Caller: *pause* “Is this [Person]?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. You’ve called Hawaii.”

Caller: “Oh. Was that Japanese?”

Me: “Yep.”

Caller: “Isn’t that kind of ironic?”

Me: “What is?”

Caller: “That you’re Japanese and you live in Hawaii.”

Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Caller: “Well, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, right? Isn’t that ironic?”

(I was stunned and slightly offended, and decided to hang up.)

Not Much Scarier Than Flagrant Misogyny

, , , , , | Related | July 20, 2018

My cousin and his wife have been ribbing me ever since I gave their daughter nightmares by showing her a certain Robin Williams movie about a magic board game.

Tonight at dinner, their daughter starts talking about waking up scared again and, fearing the worst, I ask why. She points to her father and says, “We watched Ghostbusters.”

Cue my cousin’s wife glaring at him, while he indignantly tries to claim that the movie wasn’t scary because it was “stupid” and “starred four women.” I don’t know about the movie, but the look in her eye was frightening enough!

Will You Please Just Pokémon-Go Away?

, , , , | Friendly | July 9, 2018

(My mom and I are on a bus together on a mutual day off. I went into the city to play Pokémon Go, while she needed to run errands and asked me to keep her company first. The errands run way longer than expected, and she apologizes and lets me pick where we go for what’s left of the day. I’m playing while talking to her, and she’s even looking at my game and commenting about it the moment a middle-aged man moves from his seat to sit across from us.)

Man: *to me* “Now, ma’am, I have to say something. You see this person sitting next to you? They are your best friend.”

Me: *giving him a dead-eyed stare* “That’s my mom.”

Man: “They are your best friend. And you’re on your phone, talking to your Internet friends. Now, you see, you can have your Internet friends…or you can have your best friend. You can’t have both of them.”

(I raise a perfect Spock Eyebrow and keep staring at him. He is looking at me for reaction, and looks like he might even keep going until he sees the look my mom, who doesn’t suffer lightly idiots, mansplainers, or weird men approaching her daughter, is giving to him. The guy silently decides to move back to his original seat with the air of someone who has imparted great wisdom.)

Me: “Soooo, I guess we can’t be Facebook friends anymore?”

Mom: *rolls her eyes and shakes her head* “Go catch another coconut tree-thing.”

Branding Is Everything (Priced The Same)

, , , | Right | May 30, 2018

(I work for a large, well-known department store. One day a middle-aged woman came up to me, frowning, with two blouses in her hand.)

Customer: “Why are these different prices?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “These tops! Why is this one more expensive than the other one?”

Me: *looks down at the two blouses that are nothing alike* “Well, ma’am, these are different items.”

Customer: “But they’re the same brand! They should be priced the same.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, these are both from [Brand], but they are still different items. The price for each item is going to be—”

Customer: *cuts me off* “Oh! This one is from the petite section! I see. It must be cheaper because there’s less fabric.”

(She wandered off, satisfied with her logic, while I stared after her.)