A Night Of Obamadrama

, , | Right | April 27, 2016

Customer #1: “Oh, these are cute little plates. I’ve been looking for something like this.”

Me: “Yes, they’re from our Fourth of July sale, and right now they’re only 99 cents!”

Customer #1: “I need a fork.”

Me: “Oh, well, we don’t sell silverware individually, but we have these sets of about 20 or more.” *I show her where they are on the wall*

Customer #1: “Oh, here’s one.”

(She rips a fork out of the twining holding it to the set, and under my shocked eyes, lays the plate down and then sets the fork on top of it.)

Customer #1: *after staring at the fork on the plate for a few seconds* “Okay.”

(She picks up the fork and drops in back in the box, and then takes the plate to the register to be rung up. I tape the fork back into the box, while noticing silverware in several other boxes have received the same treatment. Later, I get Customer #2. She is buying a mattress pad, and it is one with two handles built into the plastic case. The handles are cotton, round, and thick; comfy and easy to hold.)

Customer #2: *after I finish ringing her up and tying a small bag to the handles to mark her purchase* “Oh, don’t you have a bag?”

Me: *I look at the handles, and then back to the customer* “Um… sure, let me get you one.”

(I bag it, and Customer #2 walks out holding cheap plastic handles that stretch and dig into your hand. 45 minutes before closing, and I get Customer #3. She sidles up to me, giving me a strange sort of smile, and I smile back and say hello.)

Customer #3: “Want to know what they did to me now?”

Me: “Uh… sure?”

Customer #3: “I was over at [next-door Nail Shop], because I was treating myself to a pedicure for my birthday. And those non-English speaking workers gave me an infection. I had to have all ten of my toe nails removed.”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer #3: “I sued them, for all of what the State of Hawaii will allow you to: $285. My only other choice was to go to their main office in LA, and I would have to get an attorney for California for that. I came here today because the girl at [Cosmetics Cart downstairs] offered me a free facial a week ago. I got a terrible rash, and when I went to see the doctor I went into anaphylactic shock. Here, I have pictures—”

(By the time she starts digging out her smartphone, I suddenly remember that two years ago she came into the store with a cast on, and I had sympathetically pointed it out. That led to a 20-minute rant on the child who ran a shopping cart into her at [Other Store], and how much she hates kids and parents who don’t watch their kids, and going shopping, and living here, and Hawaii in general, and her husband’s job forcing them to live here, etc. All with wide, intense eyes and jerky hand gestures, without waiting for any response, she starts up a brand new rant today while I’m forced to look at pictures of her facial rash, and her rant about things she hates.)

Customer #3: “—and we can’t go home until my husband retires, and that won’t be for a few years yet. He refuses to retire while Obama is in office, because he doesn’t want to have Obama’s signature on his retirement papers.”

(A coworker walks past, glancing at us, and I try to give him a look that says “Save me!”)

Customer #3: “And I am SO ASHAMED at living where Obama SUPPOSEDLY grew up. My husband blames Obama for everything, but I only blame him for about half of everything.”

(My brain melts while the customer continues her scary-eyed rant for another twenty-five minutes.)

Customer #3: “…and I hate shopping. I only come in here because it’s air-conditioned and the weather is horrible outside, but at least I feel that [my Department Store] has quality merchandise, and they know how to treat their customers. Bye, now.”

(She wanders away, now that it’s ten minutes to closing. The same coworker comes back over.)

Coworker: “I wasn’t sure. Should I have saved—”

Me: “YES.”

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Didn’t Quite Steal My Heart

, , , , | Romantic | July 9, 2014

(I meet a guy at a club I like and we flirt for a night. A week later I run into him again on base but he seems uninterested. I am disappointed, but not extremely upset since I barely know him. I never see him again and would have forgotten about it except for the odd conversation I have with an angry girl a few months later.)

Angry Girl: “There you are! Stop trying to steal my man from me! He’s MY husband!”

Me: “That guy? I met him at the club ONCE. He didn’t even know you then.”

Angry Girl: “I know you’re trying to steal my husband! Stop lying about it!”

Me: “Seriously, I don’t want him. That was months ago.”

Angry Girl: “Just stay away from him!”

(I never did figure out why she was so fixated on the concept of me stealing a man I’d only met twice, but over the course of the next year she keeps accusing me of trying. Even after their divorce she tries picking fights with me.)

Angry Girl: “Well, I have my revenge now! How does it feel? I stole your boyfriend [Marine] from you!”

Me: “Um, I broke up with him a few weeks ago. We agreed to date other people again. He’s free to be with whomever he wants.”

Angry Girl: “No, you’re lying! I stole him!”

Me: “Whatever.”

(I’m not sure which made [Marine] more angry, though… to find out that she had gone after him to date in revenge for her imagined issues with me, or that she decided to be in a relationship because she needed someone to clean her house for her so she wouldn’t be evicted.)

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Love’s Languages’s Lost

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 6, 2011

(I am a Japanese teacher. I am presiding over homeroom. A female student, who had a pretty serious fight with her boyfriend in the hall before homeroom, is intently writing on a piece of paper.)

Student: “Ugh, I can’t do this anymore!”

(She throws down her pen and calls up to me.)

Student: “Love is too hard!”

Me: “Well, I know it always seems that way after having a fight. But, you know, people have disagreements all the time and work through them. Besides, you’re still young, and part of this age is discovering how to be in a relationship with others. I am sure he is just as upset as you are.”

(She looks at me quizzically and then holds up the paper she is working on.)

Student: “I meant trying to write it in Japanese for your homework.”

Me: “Oh. Yeah. That can be hard, too.”


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The Formula For Laziness

, , , | Right | April 3, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I was wondering if you had [brand] formula?”

Me: “If you hold on, I will go check.”

(I go and check. I come back on the line a few minutes later.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. We have the formula. Would you like me to hold some for you?”

Caller: “No, I’m in the parking lot. I just wanted to make sure you had it today before I came in.”


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Bad Karma Chameleons

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2011

Customer: “Excuse me, why do you sell live crickets?”

Me: “They’re bought as food for Jackson Chameleons, birds, and other animals. They have to be sold live because Jackson Chameleons have poor eyesight and can only see their food if it’s moving.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! So they’re just going to die?”

Me: “Well, chameleons have to eat, too. But it’s okay. It happens so fast that the crickets won’t see it coming.”

Customer: “That’s so cruel! Why doesn’t someone tell them?! If I was going to be eaten, I’d certainly want to know!”


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