IOU Gotta Be Kidding

, , , , | Right | August 1, 2019

(My friend is buying a train ticket and hears this conversation between the person in front of him and the employee selling tickets.)

Employee: “Sir, that will be $4 for your ticket.”

Customer: “How about an IOU?”

Employee: “Sir, I will never see you again.”

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Halfway House Only Gets You Halfway There

, , , , , | Healthy | August 19, 2018

(I’m an EMT. My partner and I are called to a homeless shelter/halfway house for a “sick call.” This means a non-life-threatening issue. We arrive and unload the stretcher. There’s about ten stairs and a small elevator right inside the door. I start to open the door of the elevator when I’m greeted by staff.)

Staff: “You’re going to the second floor. Oh, that elevator doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have another one?”

Staff: “Sure, it’s up here around the corner.”

Me: “Great. How can I access it?”

Staff: “Come on up the stairs and go to the end of the hall.”

Me: “That’s not going to work. Do you have another access point? A ramp, maybe?”

Staff: “We have an elevator around the corner here.”

Me: “That’s great, but if this elevator doesn’t work, how am I going to get my stretcher to the second floor?”

Staff: *exasperated* “There’s an elevator right over here! Right around the corner.”

Me: “I understand that. But how would you like me to get my stretcher up these stairs to get to that elevator?”

Staff: *blank stare*

Me: *to my partner* “Let’s just leave it here, see the patient, and figure it out from there.”

(When we got to the other elevator it was so small our stretcher wouldn’t have fit, anyway, even if we folded the back.)

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Unconventional At A Convention

, , , , , , | Hopeless | May 11, 2018

My friends and I are walking through the dealer’s room at a convention when one friend spies a booth selling blind boxes of character figures from his favorite video game. Blind boxes have a set of figures they could contain, but the buyer doesn’t know exactly which one they get when they purchase it. My friend is super excited, since the game is somewhat older and the blind box figures are no longer being made, making them semi-rare. He only has enough money to buy two boxes, and he opens them as soon as he gets them. By chance, both blind boxes contain the same character figurine.

Before we can walk away, the owner of the booth stops us. He holds out an unopened blind box and offers to exchange one of my friend’s figures for it, giving him the chance to get something different. My friend takes him up on the offer, and the rest of us are so impressed by the owner’s actions that each of us finds something to buy from his booth.  

It’s a convention tradition now to seek out that booth and buy something from it. Everybody won that day: my friend got a figurines of his two favorite characters, we found a great place to get our convention snacks, and the family that owns the booth gained a group of loyal customers!

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He Is The Way, And You’re In Mine

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

(I am a teenage girl working at a popular restaurant in downtown. Nearby, there is a Baptist church. People regularly come to the restaurant straight after church, which is the one of the reasons why it is so popular in the first place. A woman enters and immediately comes to the front of the line.)

Customer: “I am starving! I just came from church and the service took super long. Let me go in front of these other people. They are not as f****** hungry as I am!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot let you go first; these people have been waiting for a very long time. The wait will be approximately 35 minutes. Would you like to reserve a spot in line?”

Customer: “WHAT?! This is unacceptable. Jesus said to us, ‘The first will be last and the last shall be first.’ You should let me in front!”

Me: “I am sorry, but—”

Customer: “NO BUTS! Let me in front, you little b****! I bet you are an atheist! You’re going to Hell!”

Me: *clearly shaken but full of rage* “Ma’am, I understand the irritation, but there is no reason for you to ever treat me like you just did. Jesus also said to treat others as we would like to be treated. How would you like it if someone barged in and cut in line after you had patiently waited? I certainly wouldn’t.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “If you think that is following what Jesus wants, you are clearly mistaken.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll go to [Competitor]! Little b****!”

Me: “Please do so, and good luck being a Christian! And by the way, I don’t think I’m going to Hell anytime soon. I’m Catholic.”

Customer: *storms out*

(Everyone in the restaurant cheered for me and one gentleman bought me some cannoli!)

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This Client Is Very Labor Intensive

, , , , , , , | Working | October 27, 2017

(My boss is not in the office, as his wife has gone into labor. He has asked us to let any clients know where he is and has put up an out-of-office message for his emails and his voicemail, but he is still receiving many calls from clients. He has included my number in his email, as I am his assistant and can help to direct his calls to another coworker, assist the client, or simply take a message for when he returns. One of his clients has been known to be very demanding and a bit out of touch with reality. This very client is the one who, to no surprise, causes quite the fuss over all this. He calls me and begins demanding to talk to my boss.)

Client: “I have been trying to reach [Boss] all day, but he is not responding. I need him to call me right away.”

Me: “I’m sorry. [Boss] is not in today. His wife is having a baby, so he is currently with her, and will be out for the next two weeks.”

Client: “I don’t care about that! I need him more!”

Me: “I would be happy to help you with any requests. We also have [Other Coworker with whom this client has worked with before] available to help.”

Client: “[Boss] is the only one who understands. I will only talk to him. Go get him for me and tell him I need him.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”

Client: “I don’t want to have to tell [Boss] how lazy and unhelpful you are.”

Me: “Sir, forgive me for being blunt, but I cannot and will not be getting [Boss] for you, as he is currently in the hospital with his wife, who is currently in labor.”

Client: “Well, he can’t do much there, anyway, can he? She’s doing all the work. I’ll call [Other Coworker]; he’ll get [Boss] for me, I know it.”

(That coworker also refused to get [Boss], and gave the client quite an earful when the client quite literally told him to “go down to the hospital and drag him out by the ear if you have to.”)

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