(I am shopping for shelf brackets at a hardware store and I overhear this conversation between a nervous-looking woman and an apron-clad store assistant.)

Woman: “Yes, hi, I need to replace the edges of my bathtub. Could you tell me which aisle has those?”

Assistant: “Well, we have bathroom units and tub liners that cover your bath and give it a new surface. I can show you where those are, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No, no, no. I don’t want a new bathtub. I just need to… there are some cracks and old spots around the edges that I just need to, um, reseal.”

Assistant: “Oh, well if you want to touch up cracks or worn places in the finish, I’d really suggest having a professional come look at it. We have the primer and finish here, but it’s not the easiest job for one person.”

Woman: *visibly flustered and fidgeting with her pocketbook* “No, it’s not the paint that needs to be fixed; it’s the edges near the wall. I need to seal them so I don’t get mold in the walls.”

Assistant: *I see his brow furrow as I sneak a peek at the odd conversation* “So something to waterproof the inside edges? Do you mean caulk?”

Woman: *turns an alarmingly bright red and stares at him for a few seconds with wide eyes before whispering* “Yes, that.”

Assistant: *looking amused, but stays professional* “No problem, ma’am, the waterproofing sealant is this way. In fact, we have some products that prevent mildew, so you don’t have to worry about your walls.”

(They walk off and I giggle to myself. The poor woman, around fifty years old but still too embarrassed to say ‘caulk’!)

(I’m at the end of a transaction with a woman in her late twenties. A prompt comes up on my register saying the customer gets a rebate for something she bought and it gives a choice of how to send the rebate in: through the mail or online.)

Me: “You have a rebate for the batteries you bought. Would you like to get it through the mail—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “I don’t want it.”

Me: “You don’t want the re—”

Customer:  *cutting me off again* “I don’t want it.”

(At this point I have to make a selection on the screen so she can get her receipt and leave.)

Me: “A rebate means you get money back.”

Customer: “…Oh! I want that.”

Me: “Figured you would.”

(A customer comes up to my till with a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Hello! How’s your day going?”

Customer: “S***ty. Pun intended.”

(I work in the electrical department of a hardware store. I’m a young male with pretty long hair, so sometimes the customers don’t want my help with electrical questions, as they believe me to be too young to know what I’m talking about, even though I also work as an electrician. A middle-aged woman approaches me and impatiently knocks on the desk to get my attention.)

Woman: “I need help with some wiring my husband is doing at home.”

Me: “Sure thing. What exactly did you need help with?”

Woman: “I have some questions.”

Me: “If you’d like to explain the project to me, I’d be happy to answer any of your questions.”

Woman: *looks me up and down* “No, I need someone who knows what they’re doing.”

Me: “I’m certain I can help you if you’d like to explain the problems you’re having.”

Woman: “No, I’d like you to call somebody else over.”

Me: *seeing this is going nowhere, I get on the store intercom* “Guest assistance needed at the electrical desk, please. Guest assistance at the electrical desk.” *to woman* “Someone will be right with you.”

(I go back to reading the Sunday ad while she waits. About 60 seconds later I look up.)

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. You needed some help in electrical?”

(The woman just looked at me in astonishment and stormed away.)

(I work at a hardware store. One evening right before closing, a man comes running in the front door out of breath.)

Me: “Welcome to [Hardware Store]. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I was sitting by the library over on main street and I saw some zombies.”

Me: “Zombies, sir?”

Customer: “Undead.”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “Shambling corpses!”

Me: “Ah, zombies!”

Customer: “So, I thought to myself, I need some defenses. And everyone knows that improvised weapons are the premiere form of anti-undead utilities.”

Me: “Come again?”

Customer: “I want to buy some tools!”

Me: “Certainly, sir. What would you like?”

Customer: “Well, how about a crowbar?”

Me: “I’m afraid we’re fresh out of crowbars, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, never mind. How about a tire iron?”

Me: “We never have those at the end of the week, sir. We get more on Monday.”

Customer: “No matter. Any baseball bats by chance?”

Me: “You should try the sports shop next door but they’re closed now.”

Customer: “Not my lucky day, is it? How about a hammer?”

Me: “Sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Ball peen hammer?”

Me: “The truck was late today.”

Customer: “Club hammer?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Cross and straight pein hammer?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Cross pein pin hammer?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Sledge hammer?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Soft mallet?”

Me: “Ah! We have soft mallets, sir.”

Customer: “You do? Excellent.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Ah, it is a bit soft…”

Customer: “Well, I’d expect it to be softer than a normal hammer.”

Me: “Well, very soft, sir.”

Customer: “No matter. Bring it out!”

Me: *fetches mallet* “Ah, it appears to be a bean bag, sir.”

Customer: “So it is.”

Me: “Yes, it appears to be.”

Customer: “Well, hacksaws?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Circular saw?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: ”Do you have chainsaws?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “But they’re the most popular anti-zombie weapon around!”

Me: “Sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Have you in fact got any tools at all?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “No. Not really, sir.”

Customer: “You haven’t.”

Me: “Not a single nail. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.”

Customer: “Well, in that case, I think I might have been bitten on my way over here. I’m afraid I’ll have to bite you.”

Me: “Very well, then.”

(Customer walks around the counter and bites me.)

Customer: “What a senseless contribution to the hoard.”