Customer: “I need to return this chainsaw. It died after only a few uses!”

Me: “Did you use it to chainsaw wood or something else?”

Customer: “Only wood! I didn’t use it on anything too hard for the blades! Look, the blades are fine; they just don’t go anymore!”

Me: “Yeah, the blades still look sharp. You put the chainsaw oil in the right tank?”

Customer: “What do you mean the right tank? There’s only one tank.”

I point out both.

Me: “Two. This one is the bar and chain oil tank, for the oil which lubricates the chain and guide bar. This one is the fuel tank, for the… well, the fuel.”

Customer: “…oh.”

Me: “So… I think we know why the chainsaw stopped working.”

Customer: “Well, it’s stupid to have two tanks! It makes it too easy to make a mistake!”

Me: “It comes with a manual, sir—”

Customer: “—Real men use chainsaws and real men don’t need manuals!”

Well, alrighty then! His warranty did not cover his wilful neglect of the manual.

Customer: “I want fresh paint.”

Me: “Let me know what the paint job is and—”

Customer: “—I know how to pick the right paint for my job, but I want it fresh!”

Me: “Sir, sorry, but what do you mean by fresh?”

He points to the plastic tubs that have “made with recycled materials” written on them.

Customer: “I don’t want any recycled paint! I want it fresh!”

Me: “Sir, that’s just referring to the containers. Those are made with recycled materials. The paint is fresh.”

Customer: “…oh.”

Me: “Sir, I gotta ask, what would recycled paint look like?”

Customer: “I dunno, like… it’s been scraped off walls or something.”

I used to work in a hardware shop. Everything was priced per metre, but some of our older customers who grew up with feet and inches refused to get with the times.

Customer: “I need fifteen feet of chain.”

Me: “I can measure that for you, but as we price in metres I will need to—”

Customer: “I don’t want it in metres! I want it in feet!”

Me: “You’ll get the exact amount you need, but for pricing I need to—”

Customer: “—Ugh! I’ll just do it myself!”

I let her measure it herself, and eventually she came up, plonked the chain on the counter, and said:

Customer: “There, fifteen feet of chain, or seven of your stupid metres!”

So, I charged her for seven metres.

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for [specific item].”

Me: “Yes, we have twelve of those in stock.”

Caller: “If I buy all twelve, can you quote me your best price?”

Me: “Yes, if you buy all twelve, that will come to $109.”

Caller: “Can you give me a discount?”

My Brain: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Me: “Do you know what best price means?”

Caller: “Yes but I haven’t had a chance to ask for a discount yet?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll put the price up to $119. Ask again.”

Caller: “Wait… what are you doing?!”

Me: “Having this conversation out of order, just like you are.”

I’m walking down the spray paint aisle when a teenage customer I wasn’t even looking at waves me over.

Customer: “Did you see me steal that spray paint?”

I was taken aback and said no because I didn’t.

Customer: “So can I keep them?”

He almost looked shocked and disappointed when I told him no.