A colleague (quite a bit older than me) is measuring out cable (sold by the metre) in front of a customer, against a measuring tape, and running it to around ninety-one centimetres whilst counting off each metre.

Me: “Uh, mate, that’s not a metre.”

Colleague: “Three feet to a metre.”

Me: “A metre is a hundred centimetres, so that’s not true.”

Colleague: “No. Three feet to a metre. Always has been.”

Me: “There is literally a one metre mark a bit further up the tape you’re using.”

Colleague: “No, that’s a metric metre.”

Me: “I mean, yes?”

Colleague: “Three feet is an imperial metre.”

Me: “No, that’s a yard.”

Colleague: “Yeah. An imperial metre.”

Me: “A metre is a metre, and it’s always a hundred centimetres.”

Colleague: “What do they teach you lot in school these days, eh?”

Me: “More than what they taught you, apparently!”

Colleague: “Fine, you know everything? Measure it yourself.”

He holds his hands up and storms away. I smile at the customer and offer to remeasure the cable.

Customer: “Thank you! I was a bit confused when he told me the price, but per “imperial metre”. He told me it was also a yard, but I just thought that was the thing that Kelis’s milkshake bought all the boys to…”

I’m surrounded by… interesting people.

When I worked for a flooring company a few years back, we had a promo running in the local newspaper. I didn’t see the advert itself but knew the promotion because we bought in a ton of the stuff, put it outside on a big pallet, and slapped a “£1.99 per square metre” price on it.

Along comes an older guy asking:

Customer: “I want the £1.99 a box of laminate flooring.”

Me: “That price is per square metre.”

Customer: *Insistent.* “No! The advert said per box.”

Me: “If you have the advert that says that, I will honour it immediately.”

Of course, he doesn’t have it, but he remains insistent, saying:

Customer: “Of course it’s the price per box! That’s how [Competitor] prices theirs.”

Me: “Well, this is how we’re pricing that laminate based on the current sale.”

Customer: *Super angry about it.* “I’m going home to get the advert, and when I come back I expect an apology!”

You already know he didn’t come back.

I work at a paint store in Canada. I had a lady come in mid-December for exterior paint.

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to repaint my garage door before Christmas, just to make everything look nice before family visits.”

Me: “Are you talking about the large exterior garage door?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s all peeled up and looks ratty; I just want to cover it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you can’t paint outside in this weather. It’s minus twenty out, and the paint is water-based, so it will freeze and peel up. You should wait until the weather stays above ten degrees overnight.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I need it painted by the weekend! Don’t you make paint that doesn’t freeze!?”

Me: “I’m really sorry, I can’t change the properties of water.”

Customer: “You’re so unhelpful, I’m going to Home Depot where they can!”

A customer in line places an assortment of tools on the counter and says:

Customer: “What sort of discount are you going to give me because I can buy these tools elsewhere?”

Me: “Go elsewhere.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Go elsewhere. I don’t get commission. I don’t give a s** where you choose to be a pain in the a**. Oh, and add on the cost of the gas and time it takes you to go elsewhere to buy those tools.”

Customer: “You could have just said ‘no’, you know.”

Me: “And you could have just bought the item quietly like all the other customers.”

He finished the purchase in silence, and I didn’t get into trouble (not that it would have mattered, as I was a week away from retirement).

A lady came in looking for a showerhead.

Customer: “I’m concerned about most of these being unhealthy for my daughter.”

Me: “Unhealthy in what way, ma’am?”

Customer: “Some of these materials are unhealthy for humans.”

Me: “I don’t think they would sell them if—”

Customer: “—This one! We’ll take this one! It’s made of zinc!”

Me: “That’s one of the—”

Customer: “—zinc is a trace element that humans need to be healthy, so this is the healthiest showerhead. My daughter can absorb the zinc from the water that goes through the showerhead.”

I look at her three-or-four-year-old daughter currently sucking on a straw sticking out of a bottle of Mountain Dew.

Me: “Sure thing, ma’am. Let me get this model out from the back for you…”