(I need some wood cut for a project and go to the local hardware store. The employee is exceptionally nice to me and manages to alter some of the measurements to fit their wood planks better. While discussing the project, another female customer arrives, well-dressed and obviously annoyed by the fact he is taking some time to help me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Is there someone willing to help me?!”

(She exclaims in a super annoyed voice.)

Employee: “Certainly. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Will you send someone over? I’m waiting and I have other stuff to do!”

Employee: “Maybe I can help you right now.”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. I have a question. But you are helping her.” *looking at me like I’m some kind of alien*

Employee: “Just ask.”

Customer: “Fiiinnnee. I have these wood slices and I need them sanded. I want to put them on my table.”

Employee: “We can’t do that here, I’m sorry.”

(The employee starts walking away with me when the customer exclaims again.)

Customer: “I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION!”

(She’s now visibly annoyed that he couldn’t read her thoughts.)

Employee: *starts chuckling* “Go on.”

Customer: *her tune getting ruder and ruder, and more provoking* “I need something to varnish them! What should I take?”

Employee: “Just go to the paint department; they will be happy to help you there.”

Customer: *rams her cart around, nearly knocking over a basket standing in her way* “Ugh. FINE!”

(The employee and I go on with my planks. I excuse myself multiple times that he has to deal with my idea and my strange measurements and he assures me that he has seen a LOT worse.)

Me: “At least I’m not b****ing about everything”

(This gave him a huge grin on the face, while he couldn’t really say something, offending other customers.)

(I’m working the graveyard shift: it’s just my colleague, our duty manager, and me. A customer comes to us with a request. Downlights refer to the spotlights that are installed into walls and ceilings.)

Customer: “I was told that you had downlights for the bathroom?”

Colleague: “I’m not sure which ones they would be.”

Me: *coming onto the shop floor to count some stock* “You want any downlight marked as IP65, [Colleague].”

Customer: “Do you have any adjustable ones?”

Me: “No, the moving parts would allow steam in and risk frying the circuits.”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll get these ones.” *picks out an adjustable one which is in no way, shape, or form suitable for the bathroom* “And some of these.” *picks some IP65 ones* “If my electrician agrees with you, I’ll bring them back.”

Me: *praying that her electrician isn’t a cowboy* “Sure, as long as they are in saleable condition. Also, we can order more if we’re short, but they’ll arrive in two days because the centre to process the orders is closed.”

Customer: “All right.”

(Two nights later, the same team is closing and we see the woman collecting the downlights we were short on. As we’re closing, my colleague turns to me.)

Colleague: “That woman returned the adjustable downlights while you were in the back, [My Name].”

Me: “Did she say anything?”

Colleague: “She said you were right, and her electrician wouldn’t install them in her bathroom. I couldn’t not laugh at that.”

(I work at a hardware store in the paint department. One day this customer comes up to me with a cart full of different caulking and a piece of molding.)

Customer: “How can I attach this to above my garage? Which is the best to use?”

Me: “Well, you can use [construction adhesive] to provide a better hold?”

Customer: “Will it stay there forever if I use that product?”

Me: “Well, uh, no? But it will last a long time if you’ve used it in con–“

Customer: “I don’t want it if it won’t!”

Me: “Have you considered using a nail? Then just going over the gaps with a—“

Customer: “Like [Construction Adhesive Brand]?”

Me: “No, like an actual nail that you use a hammer for.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Forgot actual nails existed!”

(He walked away toward nails with the molding, and left twenty bottles of caulking in a cart for me to deal with. Not cool, man, not cool.)

(Our store is pet-friendly. My coworkers and I bring in treats to give to the dogs at our own expense. I am working self-checkouts and have placed a full box of treats on the counter to put in the container we have for them. A customer approaches to ask a question. After I answer her this happens.)

Customer: *reaches for the box of treats* “Oh, I’ll buy these.”

Me: “Ma’am, these are mine; they’re not for sale.”

Customer: “Oh, you’ve already bought them?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The other associates bring them in for the dogs.”

Customer: “This store has its own dogs? Why would there be dogs in the store?”

Me: “…”

(I am approached by a shifty-looking, female customer. She slinks up to me and gets in close so she can speak in a low voice.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man! The rat poison you have on sale there — is it harmful to people?”

Me: “Yes, madam, I’m almost certain it will be harmful to most living creatures. You need to keep it out of reach of children and pets.”

Customer: “So, if I gave some to a person, would it kill them?”

Me: “Well, yes, I suppose it would.”

Customer: “Definitely?”

Me: “I can’t say for sure, madam, but I’m 99% certain that it would kill a person if they took enough of it.”

Customer: “Do you know how much you would need to kill a person?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I really can’t say, madam; it depends on the person.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thanks!” *nods conspiratorially and walks off*