If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

| | Right | December 15, 2008

(I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
stripes magically appear?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

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Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk

, | | Right | September 18, 2008

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… We don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

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Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

| | Right | September 16, 2008

Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

Customer: “Just a regular size.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

Customer: “What does all that mean?”

Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

(The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

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Dr. Jekyll And Hearing-Impaired Hyde

| | Right | July 17, 2008

(At the hardware store where I work, I see an old lady pushing a cart with a heavy bag of dirt inside it.)

Me: “Here, I can help you with that, ma’am. ”

Old Lady:¬†”This cart is awful! It won’t steer anywhere I want it to!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, it is kind of heavy. Here, let me get you a new one.”

Old Lady: “NO! I want a new cart so I can go look at flowers!”

Me: ¬†”… okay. I’ll get you a new cart for the dirt.”

Old Lady: “You DON’T understand! I want a new cart! Not this one! This one is broken!”

Me: “That’s quite alright, ma’am.¬†I’ll get you a new cart instead of this one.”

Old Lady: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! I WANT TO GO LOOK AT FLOWERS AND I WANT A NEW CART!”

Me: “Okay, ¬†I think we have a miscommunication here! You may go look at flowers as much as you want. Then, just come check out when you’re done.”

Old Lady:¬†”I’m just going to go look at flowers, AND I want a new cart.”

(About 15 minutes after she looks at flowers, she comes down to my register. She’s still pushing the old cart.)

Old Lady: “Well, I guess I’m done shopping for the day. Thank you so much for your help, sweetie!”

Me: “You’re… welcome?”

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A Leaf Blower And An Acetylene Torch Should Do The Trick

, | | Right | June 4, 2008

Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

(About ten minutes later…)

Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”

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