See No Evil, Grope No Evil

| | Right | August 27, 2009

(One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner. Note: I’m a man.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, Ma’am.”

(I walk out of the back room at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you any more!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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So Stupid I Almost Painted

| | Right | August 17, 2009

Customer: “I need some paint.”

Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

(After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

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Back To Basics Is Best

| | Right | April 17, 2009

Customer: “I need something to make a nail go into a piece of wood…you know, to make it stay where I’m putting it.”

Me: “…a hammer, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, is that what you would recommend?”

Me: “Uh…yeah.”

Customer: “Great, show me where they are!”

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Imaginary Return, Imaginary Refund

| | Right | March 30, 2009

(A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)

Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”

Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”

Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”

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Pride Goeth Before A Sale

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

Me: “Uh, no sir?”

Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

(I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

 

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