Customer: “I need help loading a grill.”

He has a big six-burner, which is taking up an entire flatbed cart. He leads me out to his Miata. I make a face.

Customer: “What?”

Me: “This grill box is almost the same size as the entire car cabin. It won’t fit.”

Customer: “Sure it will. I just need some help.”

I’m paid hourly, so I figured I would humor him. After about five minutes of us wrestling with a box that is larger than the door, he asks me in all seriousness:

Customer: “Do you even know how to load a grill? It’s not complicated!”

Me: “I’ll see if I can find someone in the store that knows how to fit one in there.”

All of us loader guys (paid hourly, remember!) took turns having fun with the guy, who refused to accept the laws of physics and got increasingly more frustrated with each attempt to prove to this guy that his car is not a Tardis. After four attempts, our manager took pity on him and went outside to tell the guy to come back with a truck or pay for the f****** shipping.

A customer approaches me with an advertisement for an air compressor.

Customer: “Where is this air compressor? It’s supposed to be on sale.”

Me: “That offer is for floor stock only, and unfortunately, we’ve sold out.”

Customer: “What about that one?”

Me: “That’s the next size up.”

Customer: “It looks just like the other one. Give me that one for the sale price.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have the authority to discount it. Corporate sets the prices.”

Customer: “Then just switch the price tags.”

Me: “I can’t do that. Craftsman products have their five-digit SKU printed directly on them, so the system would show that it’s the wrong product. Corporate would consider that stealing.”

Customer: “How dare you accuse me of stealing! Get me your manager!”

My manager comes over.

Customer: “You need to fire her! She was incredibly rude to me!”

Manager: “What did she say?”

Customer: “She refused to give me the sale price and accused me of stealing!”

Me: “She asked me to switch the price tag from the sold-out model onto the larger one.”

Customer: “Because they look exactly the same! The customer is always right!”

Manager: “Looking the same doesn’t make them the same product, and being the customer doesn’t give you the right to ask my employee to commit theft.”

Customer: “Well, I’m gonna go to [Competitor] where they do!”

I’m working at a mom-and-pop hardware store in a University town where we get a lot of engineering students working on projects:

Customer: “Do you have those twisty things for wood?”

After a few moments of thinking:

Me: “A drill bit? Maybe a wire or something?”

Customer: “Hmm, no, those don’t sound right.”

Me: “Screws?”

Customer: “YEAH! SCREWS! Ha! I knew I would remember! The teacher thinks I’m so dumb, but I remembered!” 

I fear for our future infrastructure.

Customer: “I need to replace my mailbox. What do I need?”

Me: “You need a mailbox, a post, and one to two 80lb bags of concrete.”

Customer: “What do I do?”

Me: “The quick way is… Dig a post hole. Put the post in. Pour the concrete in dry while keeping the post level. Tamp around the post a bit. Pour some water on top, and mount the box. The concrete should harden over time, and it shouldn’t be an issue since it’s not carrying a load.”

Customer: “How do I dig the hole?

Me: “Post hole diggers are typically the easiest way.”

Customer: “How do those work?”

I show him the post hole diggers and demonstrate.

Customer: “And that goes in the ground?”

Me: “Well, yes. In the ground where you want your mailbox to be.”

Customer: “How do I dig the hole again? And how deep do I go?”

Me: “You know, sir, our store also offers contractor services. We could come out there and do all this for you.”

Customer: “Why?

I didn’t know how to diplomatically say, “because you don’t know how to dig a hole”.

I used to work for an orange-tinged hardware store. During my last two weeks working there, I got a customer call that reminded me why I was quitting:

Caller: “I want to schedule the installation on my dishwasher.”

Me: “Can you tell me your purchase information so that I—”

Caller: “—I got it from Costco.”

Me: “Did you pay for Costco to do the install?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Then you need to call them.”

Caller: “But I need it done tomorrow, so I’m calling you.”

Me: “We can only install appliances purchased from our store.”

Caller: “But I called you, so you have to do it.”

Me: “That’s not how that works.”

Caller: “Yes, it is. I called you, so now you have to do it. It’s the law.”

Me: “The number you’re calling from right now, is this your home number?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “If I call it later to schedule my prostate exam, will you be free to perform it? I mean, I’m calling you, so you have to do it.”

Caller: *Click.*

Coworker: *Standing two feet away.* “What the h*** did I just overhear?”