Lawnmower Man Has Some Problems

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(I work in a hardware store that has a lawnmower shop attached. We sell lawn equipment and repair them as well. When we get someone who wants a lawnmower blade or chainsaw chain sharpened we have to put the customer’s name and number in the computer. If it’s too late in the day we can’t sharpen the blades or chains as all the unit techs have started working on large equipment or have gone out to deliver people’s equipment. On weekends we don’t have unit techs as they have the weekends off. A number of coworkers and I are working on a Saturday and it’s just started to get busy. I’m called to the front of the store to go help the cashiers out a bit. When I get back to the parts counter my coworker is wide eyed and kinda dazed.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], are you okay?”

Coworker: “Um, well, a customer just tried to swing a lawnmower blade at my head.”

Me: “WHAT?! Are you okay? Did he hit you? What happened?”

Coworker: “This older guy came up to the counter and wanted his blade sharpened so I told him I needed his name and number. He didn’t want to give it to me and asked me why I needed it. I told him we couldn’t sharpen it today but we’d have it done by Monday at 11 at the latest. I just needed his name and number so we could call him when we were done. He got mad and demanded it be done today. I told him that there was no-one there who could do it today. I guess that’s not what he wanted to hear because he swung that blade at my head and it was about a half an inch away from hitting me in the temple. I called [Store Manager] and told him what happened. He came over and asked the customer to follow him outside. [Store Manager] sharpened his blade and told him if he ever came back that he’d kick his a** and throw him out of the store. He also said that if he wanted he could turn the video we have over to the police and have him charged. He said the guy practically ran to his truck.”

Me:“…you know what? At this point I’m not surprised this happened. I’m glad that you’re all right, though. Let me guess: he didn’t say sorry.”

Coworker: *sigh* “They never say sorry.”

Going To Deck Him In A Minute

, , , , | Romantic | July 21, 2017

(My husband dislikes yard work and doing anything remotely to do with maintenance on our home, even though it’s what he does for work. It’s been 15 years and he’s finally going decided to do something about a deck outside our back door. He takes me to our local hardware to show me the “eco” decking he has chosen so I can choose the colour I like. I’ve learned not argue because he always makes a stand for what he wants or he doesn’t go ahead with it. I just calmly point out facts, but the decision has to sound like it’s come from him or he won’t do it.)

Husband: “So, this is what I’m going to do it with. It’s made from recycled plastic and stuff but it looks like wood. What colour do you prefer?”

(It has fake wood grain texture but the colour is uniform like it’s been painted. I don’t like painted decks.)

Me: “I don’t really like the colours. Are you going to paint the wood grain on it?”

Husband: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The colour is so flat and un-interesting. If it’s supposed to look like wood, it needs to have wood grain colouring through it. I’d really like that decking over there; the colours are perfect.”

Husband: “But that’s wood and will need yearly sealing to keep it maintained. Are you going to do that?”

Me: “That’s not that hard to do. The high pressure cleaning thingy you have can be used on the eco boards, right?”

Husband: “Of course.”

Me: “So seeing as I don’t know how to use it, I guess you’ll be out cleaning all of the dirt out of the graining on those boards monthly, then?”

Husband: “Ooh, hey, look! The wood one is half the price. I think we’ll go with that.”

Just Wants The Decking Answer

, , , | Right | July 1, 2017

(A customer approaches my counter empty handed and asks how to go about finding the weight of a piece of wood he is looking for. I know we don’t have a scale in the store. I figure maybe we can look it up online. I call the lumber manager and ask him. He asks the customer what piece of wood it is.)

Customer: “Decking.”

Manager: “Oh. Well, the Internet won’t give us a certain weight on that because of the moisture retention of each piece. It’s all different weights.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Well, I’ll just call my telephone. It always has the answers to my questions.”

How To Become A Hit With Your Boss

, , , | Right | June 9, 2017

(I’m female, and work in a hardware store in a small town. My boss is an elderly lady infamous for two things: always taking the customer’s side, and being extremely proper and conservative. We have a regular customer who comes in a few times per week and always makes vulgar and sexist jokes, comments, and gestures towards the female staff. We’ve complained to our boss multiple times about him, but she never does anything. She claims turning him away will be bad for business. So, normally we let the male staff handle him and keep our distance. I would quit, but it’s a small town and jobs are hard to come by. This particular evening I’m kneeling down stocking screws when he comes down the aisle.)

Regular: “Huh, you look like you spend a lot of time on your knees, hey?” *creepy laugh*

Me: *trying to ignore him* “Can I help you find anything?”

Regular: “Naw, I’m just admiring the view” *motions to my butt and winks*

Me: “All right, well, if you need anything just ask. [Male Coworker] is at the back desk.”

(I stand up to leave, but as I’m walking past him, he proceeds to grab my butt and give it a squeeze. Having endured years of his comments and gestures, I snap and end up punching him square in the face. He staggers back and falls into a rack of car fuses, holding his face and cursing.)

Me: *having completely lost it* “DON’T YOU EVER F***ING TOUCH ME AGAIN, UNDERSTAND?! I’LL HIT YOU A LOT HARDER NEXT TIME!”

(I notice something out of the corner of my eye and turn to see my boss standing there, eyes wide and mouth open. Then she starts marching towards us, angrily.)

Boss: “How DARE you?!”

(At this point, I’m positive I’m about to be fired for both swearing and hitting a customer. However, she walks over to the customer instead.)

Boss: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

(She chases him out of the store, screaming profanities as he holds his bloody nose. She eventually comes back to me.)

Boss: “Now, [My Name], are you all right? Have you called the police?”

Me: “No, not yet, but I will. I honestly thought you were going to fire me.”

Boss: “Oh, heavens, no. The only thing I have to tell you is to hit the a**-hole harder next time!”

(I saw a very new side of my boss that day.)

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Should Have Handicapped It After A While

, , , | Right | June 5, 2017

(I work at a very well-known hardware store. I am checking out two ladies and am in the middle of the transaction when a woman behind them starts trying to get my attention.)

Customer: “Ma’am! Ma’am!”

(I’m not ignoring her, but trying to multitask and finish the transaction. I look up at her.)

Customer: “Ma’am! You have to help her! At the key machine! It ate her key! She’s handicapped!”

(I look up at the key machine in question.)

Me: “The machine has to take the key to make a copy… I can’t leave my register right now.”

Customer: *genuinely concerned* “You have to help her! She’s handicapped!”

Me: “I can’t do anything right now.” *points to transaction taking place* “But I can try to call someone.” *I call the head cashier, who says she’ll be right over*

Customer: “Don’t you hear the noise it’s making? It’s broken! You have to help her. She’s handicapped!”

(At this point I have noticed that the customer at the key machine is in a motorized cart and I hear the machine’s odd noise. I finish the transaction and see that another associate is now helping her and that she is very calm.)

Customer: *who I am now checking out* “She’s handicapped!”

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