Highly Screwed

| Muskogee, OK, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement

(I am working late evening, when a customer comes in near closing time. He is high on something and brings a 4 ft tall bong.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Well… umm… I broke it.”

Me: “Broke what?”

Customer: “I broke my smoker.”

Me: “Okay… what can I do to help you?”

Customer: “Screw. I need a screw. I think a screw will fix it. Or maybe something else. A screw. I need a screw. I need a screw!”

(I try to help him find the right screw, but he’s not thinking. He walks away, with his screw, and, I’m sure, another chance to get high again.)

Customer: “Need a screw. Need a screw. Need a screw…”

Paging Leonidas To The Front: The Comic

| New York, NY | Comics, Wild & Unruly

Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself, Part 2

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bigotry, Funny Names, Home Improvement

(I’m a female who works in the paint department. It’s quiet, and a male coworker and I are chatting. He knows nothing about paint. We are approached by an older male customer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

(The customer ignores me, and turns to my coworker.)

Customer: “I need to paint my doors. Do you have animal paint?”

(I try and keep a straight face at this.)

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, I would not know. [My Name] is more than qualified, and can help you.”

Customer: *turning to me, visibly annoyed* “She’s a girl; she wouldn’t know. Okay missy, where’s the animal paint?”

Me: “Sir, what I think you mean is ‘enamel’ paint. There are two types. Water and—”

Customer: *angry* “No, stupid girl! Didn’t you hear me? ANIMAL PAINT! Not whatever you said.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we only have acrylic or enamel paint. Maybe you were misled?”

(The customer slams his items on the counter and turns around screaming.)

Customer: “F****** women should stay in the kitchen!” *turns to face me* “ANIMAL PAINT!”

Related:
Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself