The Writing’s On The Wall With The Squirrels

| NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(The phone rings.)

Me: “[Store]; good evening. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello? I need help. There are squirrels in my roof, and I—”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that, ma’am, but we do not offer any services to remove squirrels.”

Customer: “But you don’t understand. I buy everything from your store! Why can’t you help me? I can hear them through the walls!”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, and we appreciate your loyalty as a customer; however, we do not remove squirrels. We are a hardware store.”

Customer: *in tears* “What am I supposed to do? Why won’t you help me? Is there a manager I can speak to?”

(I transfer the call to my manager. 15 minutes later my manager comes up to me.)

Manager: “Did that call really just happen?”

Me: “Yes. Did you help her with the squirrels?”

Manager: *laughing hysterically* “If you ever pass me a call like that again, I’ll fire you!”


Doesn’t Take A Rocket Scientist

| Marion, IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Family & Kids, Popular

(A woman comes in with young boy, maybe six years old.)

Customer: “Do you have any cardboard you could give me? If you have any rocket ship sized boxes, we’ll take one of those.”

(The boy rolls his eyes.)

Boy: “Grandma!”

(I go into the back and see what I can find, and I come back with about twice what she asked for.)

Me: “The only rocket ship I have left is the size of a refrigerator.”

(Before anyone can say anything else, the boys eyes light up and he shouts.)

Boy: “I’ll take it!”

Customer: “We have no way to get it home; it’s too big.”

Boy: “I’ll ride on top of it and hold it down until we get home!”

(Long story short, today I got to “sell” a little boy the best rocket ship ever, and they’ll be in with a truck to get it. Every once in a while, this job is great.)


You Cheap What You Sow

| Canada | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(I work in a small town hardware store with a garden center. There’s a city a few kilometers away that brings in a lot of traffic, especially during the spring and summer months. A woman approaches the cash registers with a daisy plant. There are several stalks on the plant but about two or three of them are broken.)

Customer: “I was in here yesterday and you had some really nice plants like this, but this is the only one left. Can I get a discount because it’s broken and ugly?”

Me: “Well, we don’t usually give discounts on plants, and there’s only a few broken stalks. I’m sure it’s perfectly healthy.”

Customer: “I don’t want to pay $6 for such an ugly plant. I think I’ll just go to [Competitor]. I don’t even think the poor thing’ll survive.”

Me: “I can get [Coworker] over here. She works more in that department and maybe she can work something out.”

(I page my coworker to come to the registers. All the while this lady keeps repeating the same stuff about how she’d get a better deal at [Competitor] and is generally acting like she’s doing us a favor by buying the plant. I should mention that this woman’s voice is like the human version of the caps lock key. She isn’t yelling or anything, but she’s talking unnecessarily loudly, and it’s grating on my ears. My coworker shows up a minute later.)

Coworker: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This plant is ugly and broken and I think I should get a discount on it. If I don’t, I’m going to [Competitor].”

(Since we have a reputation for being one of the friendliest stores in the general area, we decide to give her a dollar off. That’s below our cost by about seventy cents and we’d be losing money, but there’s a bit of a line behind her and we just want her to leave.)

Me: “Okay, we talked it over, and we can give the plant to you for $5, but that’s the lowest we can go.”

Customer: “I’ll take it. You wouldn’t be able to sell this thing for full price anyway.”

(She then proceeded to pay for her $5 purchase with a $100 bill.)


Independent From The Closing Times

| Daphne, AL, USA | Crazy Requests, Holidays

Me: “How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Yeah, are you guys closing early for Independence Day?”

Me: “We are. We close at eight.”

Customer: “But I don’t know if I can get there in time, and I really need something!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we close at eight.”

Customer: “But you can stay open for me, right? I spend thousands of dollars there! It’s not like you’re all going to do anything after eight anyway!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but I still can’t let you in if you get here after the store is closed. No one can.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. And you can’t make any exceptions?”

Me: “Not unless you’re Johnny Depp.”

Customer: “D****it!”


So Closed But So Far, Part 2

| OR, USA | Crazy Requests

(Our store closes at 8:00; it is currently 8:05 and the last few customers are at the check-out while the employees get everything ready to close up. I’m out front cleaning up my area when a man approaches.)

Man: “Hey, are you guys closed?”

Me: “Yep, we closed a few minutes ago. Sorry.”

Man: “But I can still shop, right?”

So Closed But So Far

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