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Making A Boob Of One’s Self, Part 13

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2024

A customer approaches me in the underwear section.

Customer: “Can I try on some different sizes of bras?”

Me: “Well, we have a fitting service if you’d like to get the best sizing—”

Customer: “No, it’s not that. I’m going to get some new boobs, and I want to get a feel for the size options!”

Me: “Oh! Well… I mean, you can certainly try them on, but we don’t have any… uh… padding?”

Customer: “Oh!”

She opens her bag and shows me a selection of what I can only guess are different sized… cleavage expanders?

Customer: “I got that part covered!”

I bring her eight different sizes, and she seems satisfied when she leaves.

A few months later, I have almost forgotten about this woman, but she reappears at the store and stands in front of me, smiling.

Customer: “Remember me? I made my choice!”

She jiggled her (much larger) boobs in front of me and departed as quickly as she’d come, leaving me to apologize and explain to the (rightfully confused) customers I was currently serving.

Related:
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 12
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 11
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 10
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 9
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 8

Hopefully, That Teacher Will Soon Be (Texas) History

, , , , , , | Learning | January 7, 2024

In junior high, I took Texas History as a required class. My teacher wasn’t great by any standards and was a major creep. He was the type to lean way too close to female students under the guise of “helping” with classwork. 

[Teacher] was almost fired that year because numerous female students who sat near his desk saw him watching explicit videos in class. Unfortunately for the students, and fortunately for [Teacher], the school cameras didn’t work, the district didn’t care about the students, and he used incognito mode. There was “no evidence”, so he continued teaching. 

Ten years later, my mother and stepfather split up. My mother changed her relationship status to “single” and immediately started getting messages. She liked to complain about the men messaging her and used last names to differentiate between them when talking to me.

One day, she mentioned a very familiar last name.

Mother: “I keep getting messages from one guy near here. [Last Name].”

Me: “I had a teacher who was a [Last Name]. At [Town] Junior High.”

Mother: *Goes to his profile* “[Teacher’s Full Name]?”

Me: “Sounds right. He taught Texas History.”

Mother: *Looks at his occupation* “Yep, ‘Teacher at [Town] Junior High’.”

Me: *Laughs* “Gross. My old teacher is flirting with you?!”

I told her the story about [Teacher] almost getting fired.

Mother: “So, block him?”

Me: “Block him.”

My old history teacher legitimately tried to hit up my mom on [Social Media].

We Have No Idea, And We Don’t Want To Know

, , , , , | Working | January 5, 2024

In 2010, my mom and I attend a concert in Amsterdam. We don’t live close to the city, we don’t have a car, and public transport back home late at night is non-existent, so we opt to share a room at a cheap hotel near the venue. 

The man checking us in is friendly, though his smile has a bit of an Uncanny Valley vibe. We chat a bit and disclose that we’re in town for a concert.

We dump our stuff in the room, leave for the gig, and return sometime just after midnight, and we are greeted by the same man. Somehow, he manages to crank his freaky smile up to 100 as he asks if we enjoyed the concert and bids us to “sleep tight”, also giving me a wink. 

A bit unsettled, though tired enough to not give it further thought, we hit the sack. 

Early the next morning, my groggy mind somehow registers the word “rhino”. Pulling myself from a deep sleep, I am surprised to wake up to a room TV that’s turned on and showing a nature documentary about — you guessed it — rhinos. 

Still half asleep, I reach for the remote on the nightstand, turn off the TV, and go straight back to sleep. A mere couple of minutes later, my mom’s phone alarm goes off, signaling that it is 8:00 am and waking us both properly. 

I’m still not sure if I dreamed that the TV was on or not. I reach for the remote and turn it on again to check. 

Mom: “What are you putting the TV on for?” 

Me: “Rhinos.”

Mom: “…what?”

Me: “I thought I dreamt that the TV went on and showed me rhinos. Apparently, I didn’t dream it.”

I point at the TV, which still has the documentary on and is now showing rhinos galloping across an African desert. 

Mom: “How is it possible that the TV turned on by itself?”

Me: “Beats me.”

Now sincerely puzzled, we get dressed and head down for breakfast. There is a self-service breakfast bar, so I make myself a plate and sit down. 

Uncanny Valley Hotel Clerk is back. He still smirks at me like something out of a horror movie. I’m halfway done with my breakfast when the man comes slithering up to our table, leans over REAL CLOSE, and asks in the most terrifying, slimy tone: 

Demon Hotel Clerk: “Would the little miss like for me to make her a grilled cheese?” 

The “little miss” is in their early twenties here, FYI.

Me: “Eh… no… No, thank you. I’m good.” 

He slithered away to a back room. Mom and I exchanged a glance that translated to, “Eat the rest of our breakfast as fast as possible, and let’s get the h*** out.”

Thankful that we had paid in advance, we did exactly that, giving the man nothing more than a brief “we’regoingthanksfortheservicebye” in passing to signal our leaving.

The Perfect Time To Re-Veal Your Inner Monster

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2024

This takes place back in the early 2000s when I was in my early twenties and frequently mistaken for a very innocent-looking young teenager owing to my short and somewhat skinny stature. At the time, I was working in an office. Every December before we closed for the holidays, the boss treated the entire office to a very nice dinner at a fancy restaurant down the street. All of the food at this restaurant was delicious, but I should mention that one of the things they were especially known for was their veal.

Stuffed and generally content, everyone was walking back to the office a block away to pack up and head home; due to my height, I tend to walk slower and had fallen a little behind the rest of the group. I heard a loud throat-clearing behind me but ignored it as I assumed it wasn’t directed at me. Oh, how wrong I was!

Woman: “YOU! GIRL!”

I glanced behind me, already annoyed by the tone and method of address, to find a very arrogant-looking woman entirely too close behind me looking mightily unhappy.

Me: “…Yes?”

Immediately, this woman launched into a tirade, having apparently seen my group exit the restaurant. Picture every self-righteous, holier-than-thou stereotype about vegans, and this woman was it. Didn’t I know what horrible things they DO to those poor animals to make the veal? How DARE I patronize such an establishment that profits from murder?! Have I no conscience? And so on and so forth. I can only assume she decided I was the easiest target to bully; why pick a fight with a group of visibly older adults ten feet ahead when she could browbeat what she probably thought was a young teen?

I wasn’t in the mood to argue; I just wanted to go home, enjoy my food coma, and start my holiday vacation. I simply wanted her to go away. I didn’t feel like getting into it with this preachy harpy that while the place is known for their veal, I had not had any of their veal dishes, nor did I feel like pointing out that her designer purse was most definitely leather. But I also knew that telling her in less-than-polite words to go sit on a cucumber was just going to invite more righteous indignation and extend our interaction.

Instead, I turned fully to face her and put on my best Kubrick stare and creepy slasher smile — unsettlingly wide, teeth showing to the gums, staring at her and through her over the top of my glasses, pretty much the opposite of what anyone would expect from a “young girl” being verbally harassed. In a tone of voice dripping with what I can only describe as “pure and absolute evil,” I simply told her:

Me: “Yessss… and I do so enjoy the taste of Pure. Suffering.

She’d stopped short when I first turned around, and that one line and the look on my face were apparently enough that she visibly deflated, shut her mouth with an audible click of teeth, and started backing away quickly before turning and all but running as fast as she could in her heels. Mission accomplished: I was able to complete my trek back to the office in peace. I did have to explain to a couple of my colleagues who’d noticed the altercation what had happened and why that woman had fled looking like she’d just seen a horror movie murderer.

The Preacher’s Strife

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 30, 2023

Back in the summer of 2015, I am working at a nursing home where I am a housekeeper. Basically, my duties involve going into every resident’s room in my section to sweep, dust, mop, and clean the toilet, tile floor, shower, sink, and mirror.

This particular facility has four wings with twenty rooms each, and I have other miscellaneous duties that aren’t relevant to this story. If a resident has recently vacated, their room is given a “deep clean” to make the room available for a new resident as soon as possible.

The point is that it’s a lot of work to get through in an eight-hour shift, and while we housekeepers will have short conversations with the occasional guest or resident as we work, we don’t particularly have time to chat with random people.

One day, I am in the middle of a deep clean, scrubbing basically every surface of an empty room that I can manage. The cart I am using is in front of the open doorway to block it and to indicate that it is, in fact, not to be entered without good reason.

I am on my knees, scrubbing at a particularly stubborn spot on the floor — I make a conscious effort NOT to think about what certain stains may or may not be — when a pair of wingtip shoes comes into my vision.

This confuses me; as far as I have been concerned at this point, the fact that the cart is blocking the doorway should be a universal message: “Don’t come in; the room is being cleaned.”

I quickly run through the possibilities in my head of who these wingtips belong to, but none of the people who I think of would just rudely come into the room without at least announcing themselves. So, after only a second, I look up to see a stranger.

He looks friendly enough. He’s wearing a white shirt, tie, dress pants, and glasses — and, I notice, he has a Bible in one hand. The stranger opens his mouth to say something — I assume to introduce himself and start preaching about one thing or another — but I interrupt, and I’ll admit in hindsight that I could have been more diplomatic.

Me: “What are you doing in here?”

Stranger: *Pauses for a moment* “Oh, well, I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time—”

Me: *Interrupting again and pointing at the door* “No, you can’t. Get out.”

The stranger frowns at me here like a disappointed dad. I can tell, from personal experience of growing up in a Baptist God-fearing household, that I’m about to be lectured at best and browbeaten at worst. Southern politeness be d***ed, I am in no mood to give him the chance. So, I stand up.

I’m a six-foot-tall, 250-pound man and not exactly in the best of shape, but I can only guess that the stranger assumed I was a kindred spirit since he doesn’t seem to like that I’m not allowing him to treat me like some child.

Me: *Quietly* “With all due respect, I’m busy. I have a lot to do, and this is the last time I’m repeating myself: Get. Out. Of this room. Now.”

The stranger, obviously flustered, huffs, grumbles, and then stomps out of the room. I have the distinct feeling this won’t be the last I’ll hear of him, but I still go right back to work as soon as I push the cart he moved out from the doorway back to where I had it before.

Sure enough, ten minutes later, my supervisor politely knocks on the door frame, and when I look around to see him, I also see the stranger looking smug over his shoulder. Internally sighing, I stick my mop into the bucket and step up to my cart.

Me: *To [Supervisor]* “Yes, sir?”

Supervisor: “Hey, [My Name], I’ve been told by Mr. [Stranger] that you were rude to him, and he was insistent that I speak to you, ‘right now’.”

I take great care not to look at [Stranger] as I explain that I was in the process of deep-cleaning, and [Stranger] had walked in unannounced to try and preach at me. I neither deny my snappishness nor show any shame for what I said.

[Supervisor] nods along, not looking too surprised. I find out later that [Stranger] has a habit of stopping CNAs and nursing staff to give them long spiels about his faith, but this is the first time he has basically trespassed into a work zone. Somehow, this is the first time I’ve seen him; perhaps he usually keeps to a different wing of the facility.

After giving me a smile, [Supervisor] tells me to get back to work and politely but firmly escorts [Stranger] away. It isn’t until an hour later when I get on my break that I ask [Supervisor] what happened.

Apparently, [Stranger] was on his fourth last warning for bothering workers. The facility director was good friends with [Stranger] and his family, so [Stranger] often only got a finger-wagging and face-saving talking-to after all the times he was a nuisance. However, for reasons unknown to me, that director was recently replaced, and the new director is a stranger to [Stranger].

After the new director was given the story from [Supervisor], corroborated by the hallway security camera showing [Stranger] clearly walking up to my cart, looking into the room, and then moving the cart to go inside without permission, only to stomp back outside a minute later and nearly run into an old woman on crutches, [Stranger] was promptly banned from the facility, with threats of police if he was seen on the property again, and was escorted out of the building.

Supervisor: “He tried to get me to punish you for being rude to him, but — and [New Director] agreed with me — if I had been in your shoes, I’d have probably said a lot worse than ‘Get out.’ I did finally get a chance to speak my mind, though, when [New Director] gave me permission.”

Me: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear.”

I personally think it should be noted here that [Supervisor] is a very kind man, though he can be tough when needed. He resembles a young Steve Harvey, complete with mustache, and has arms like a prime Mike Tyson. To this day, I don’t know what [Supervisor]’s backstory is, but he said something to me that has stuck with me, almost ten years later.

Supervisor: *Smiling with very white teeth* “You ain’t gotta cuss a man out to say something that cuts deep, [My Name]. Sometimes you just gotta tell it how it is and say what somebody needs to hear, especially if they don’t like it. And I said exactly what I needed to say to [Stranger] when I got my chance. He left without a peep.”

He never elaborated on what exactly he’d said to [Stranger], but from what I heard from the receptionist who saw him leave with security, he was “rather spooked”.

I never saw [Stranger] again, and I can only hope he learned his lesson.