Perverted Young Men Become Perverted Old Men

, , , , , | Working | October 12, 2018

Customer: “Hey, will you guys be hiring for Christmas?”

Me: “We will! There’s a seasonal hiring fair scheduled in a few weeks. If you want to get on the email list, I can put you down.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I’m retired, looking for a little extra money. I want to work security. I used to, you know, in college.”

Me: “I don’t think we will have any seasonal loss prevention jobs available, but you can check out the jobs we will be listing.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I used to love working security. Used to love watching the girls change in the fitting rooms through the mirrors. I can only imagine what those guys see now with cameras, ha!”

(As soon as he walked away, I crossed his email address off of the list.)

In The Name Of Love, Whatever It Is

, , , , , | Romantic | October 9, 2018

(There’s a regular who comes in once a week or so and talks my ear off the whole time. He talks at me, doesn’t ask me anything about myself, and doesn’t seem to listen to me when I do get a word in edgewise. I listen politely for as long as I can, but I am at work so I usually excuse myself after twenty minutes or so. Then, he comes in again.)

Regular: “Hey! I need to talk to you.”

Me: *currently with other visitors* “Okay. Sure. Give me a second.”

Regular: “Will you go out with me?”

Me: *stunned but not wanting to be mean* “Uh… We can discuss that but I have to finish helping these people.”

Regular: “I think you and I have a real connection. I’m in love with you.”

Other Visitor: “You know what? We’ll… we’ll wait, if you want to deal with this. It’s okay.”

Regular: “I’m in love with you.” *raising his voice* “I love you!”

(There’s several visitors nearby and all of them look over.)

Me: “Uh. Okay. Cool. That’s very nice, but I have a boyfriend.”

Regular: “But he doesn’t love you like I love you! You and I are perfect for each other!”

Me: “Dude. Look. I’m very flattered, but I don’t feel that way about you.”

Regular: *completely unembarrassed and smiling* “That’s not true! I know you love me, too. We understand each other.”

Me: “We really don’t. Please stop.”

Regular: *laughs* “Don’t be silly. Come on.”

Me: “Seriously? I am at work, I have a boyfriend, and I am not interested. Okay?”

Regular: “But your boyfriend doesn’t get you like I do!”

Me: “Oh, really? Hey, quick question: What’s my name?”

Regular: *smile fading* “What?”

Me: “What’s my name?”

Regular: “Oh. Uh. It’s… Um…” *getting flustered* “Well, that doesn’t matter. I love you! I don’t need to know your name to love you!”

Me: “I’m going to walk away now. Please leave.”

(He kept shouting how he loved me while I walked away and went out into the store room. One of the security guards had to come over and explain to him that a woman being nice to you while she’s at work doesn’t mean anything. He hasn’t come in since.)

Every Bus Has That One Weirdo

, , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2018

(This is, more-or-less verbatim, a weird conversation I hear on the crowded bus:)

Giant Guy: “Oh, you can sit next to me. I don’t bite. I’ve got nine kids.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, okay.”

Giant Guy: “Where are you from?”

Young Female Student: “Vietnam.”

Giant Guy: “Oh, yeah? I met a guy the other day that served in Vietnam during the war. He said all he had to do was, ‘ratatatat.’” *makes shooting motion*

Young Female Student: “Oh.”

Giant Guy: “I always felt bad about what we did there, though.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “So, how old are you? My eldest is 39, you know. Man, how time flies.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “What are you studying? I can tell you, all you need education-wise is the Bible.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “I guess you have to have a degree these days, but Christ is king, you know. You can have all the book smarts in the world, and if you don’t have street smarts, you can’t make it. I know because I’m hustling everyday.”

Young Female Student: “Mhmm.” *nods head*

Giant Guy: “Yeah, man, I got saved when I was 32 because I put a gun to my head and I heard a voice that said, ‘Don’t do it, man,’ and I knew that was Jesus.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, wow.”

Giant Guy: “Yeah. It was nice talking to you and all. I knew it would be, because I can read people, you know? Do you know what that means?”

Young Female Student: “Yes, uh-huh.”

(Thankfully her stop and my stop was next. She made sure he wasn’t following. This is why you keep your headphones on and stare at your phone.)

How To Get The Caller’s Panties In A Twist

, , , , , | Right | September 30, 2018

(We have a rule that we are only allowed to hang up on a customer if they swear or use vulgar terms; we do NOT have to warn the customer we are ending the call. However, I often do the first time. This phone call is one of many I have had to deal with.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help today?”

Customer: “Are you wearing panties?”

Me: “That is not a conversation to have on the phone at work. Is there anything else I can do for you before terminating this call?”

Customer: “It’s a simple question; I want to know if you are wearing—”

(I hang up the phone. It rings again.)

Customer: “You hung up on me, you b****!”

(I hang up again. I now warn my staff to not pick up any calls until this stops, and I also warn my co-manager. The phone rings again:)

Customer: “Look. I’m sorry. I only wanted to know—”

(I hang up again. My coworker says I often sound like a machine, so I decide to try another tactic that worked in the past, with my co-manager’s okay.)

Me: “You have reached [Store]. We are not taking any phone calls that pertain to sexual, racial, or political topics at this time. Please consult [Web Browser] for these topics. Thank you.”

(The customer swears and hangs up. My coworkers are laughing at my voice and another customer is looking at me. I think I’m about to get yelled at, but instead I get this gem:)

Female Customer: “I would have just screamed in his ear if he’d asked me anything with those topics.”

What Is His Plan With That Harp String?

, , , , , | Right | September 29, 2018

(I am a woman, and I have long, red hair. A dirty, bedraggled customer, carrying an autoharp in a case that looks to consist entirely of duct tape, approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello. I need a string.”

Me: “Sure! No problem. Which one?”

Customer: *puts autoharp on counter, points out string*

Me: “Great!” *gets string* “Here you are!”

Customer: *as I’m ringing him up* “You have beautiful hair. I’d love to put your head on a pike and carry it around with me.”

Me: *so shocked I can’t think of a single thing to say* “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “It would just be so pretty.”

Me: *finally thinking* “Yeah, I definitely prefer my head attached to my body. Have a nice day.”

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