Read The (Hospital) Room, Buddy!

, , , , , | Romantic | January 2, 2021

My father has high blood pressure, and from time to time, he experiences prolonged nosebleeds. If the bleeding lasts longer than twenty minutes, he must be taken to the hospital. This happens one evening at around 10:00 pm, so I drive him to the emergency department at a nearby hospital. Note that this occurs during the global health crisis where only a certain amount of people are allowed in a room.

When we arrived at the registration area, they need to take my father’s blood pressure and ask him some questions. I am told to wait outside as only two people, including the nurse, are allowed in the assessment room.

The room is located right in front of the entrance where a few security guards are monitoring the entrance. While I wait, one of them starts to talk to me. He asks me what happened and I tell him briefly; it makes me feel better to talk to someone. Initially, everything appears to be nothing more than a normal conversation.

Security Guard: “Are you all right, miss?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m just a bit stressed. This is how I would normally react when this happens to my dad.”

Security Guard: “Can I get you water or anything?”

Me: “I’m okay, thank you very much. I really appreciate it.”

The nurse gets my attention as my father is done registering in the assessment room and has been redirected to the examination room to see the doctor. The security guard knows that I have to go in with my father.

Security Guard: “I think we should exchange phone numbers, if you are interested in grabbing a coffee sometime. I am [Security Guard], by the way.”

I am taken aback as the hospital is one of the wrong places to pick up women.

Me: “I gotta run now. Can’t leave my dad waiting.”

I take my father into the examination room. The doctor sees him and, because his blood pressure is way above average, he is given a pill to lower it. We have to wait for about an hour. After that, he is fine and the doctor determines that it is nothing major and it is just one of those moments. We are given the green light to go home. As I am exiting the hospital, [Security Guard] is still on duty and keeps hitting on me.

Security Guard: “Are you willing to accept the invitation I offered you?”

Me: “I am actually married with a four-year-old and am expecting a pair of twins due in July of 2021.”

He was speechless. At least I got to see his reaction at the right moment. And no, I am not married and have no children!

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How Dare Women Exist In Public?!

, , , , , | Romantic | January 2, 2021

When we are still dating, my husband gets tickets to the local NFL team game. Like all arenas and public venues, the seats are mashed in to make room for as many people as possible. 

During the first half of the game, the man beside me constantly has his leg against mine or elbows me in the breast every time he moves. In a typical male fashion, my husband doesn’t notice and brushes it off.

Husband: “It’s just because it’s close quarters.”

During halftime, I express my frustration with Mr. Gropey next to me and I swap seats with my husband. Within moments, he has a thigh against his and an elbow to his chest.

Well, it seems that gets Mr. Gropey’s attention; apparently, it isn’t as soft as it used to be. When he looks over and sees a beefier man smiling and waving at him where there was a woman before, he suddenly finds a lot more space on the other side of his seat.

Husband: “Huh. You weren’t kidding about him constantly trying to feel you up.”

Me: “Welcome to the life of a woman.”

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Even Small Towns Are Too Big For Small-Minded People

, , , , , | Right | December 29, 2020

The owner also serves as a waiter in the little diner I work at. We’re a small town where almost everyone knows everyone.

A guy moved here a few months ago and already has a terrible reputation for being a sexist pig who has grabby hands. He has been banned from our one pizza place and one Chinese restaurant already. He comes into our diner today. He doesn’t know the owner.

Customer: “No, I won’t be served by a man; that’s a woman’s job!”

Owner: “That isn’t happening.”

Customer: “You get me a pretty girl out here right now!”

Owner: “No. Either I’m your waiter or you don’t eat.”

Customer: “You!” *Snaps his fingers at me* “You will—”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “You little b****! I am a man; you will do as I tell you!”

Me: “I will do no such thing.”

He grabs my arm and jerks me towards him, causing several other customers to yell out and two to pull out their phones. The owner yanks him off and begins to drag him towards the door while the customer tantrums.

Owner: “Congrats, you’re banned.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Owner: “I sure do, you’re [Customer], a sexist a**hole who has now been banned from three of the four restaurants in town because he’s a dumba** and can’t keep his hands to himself. Do you know who I am?”

Customer: “No, who the h*** cares?”

Owner: “You will. I’m [Owner], I own this place, but more importantly—” *points to me* “—she’s my wife’s goddaughter, and that—” *points to camera* “—is a video camera.”

Customer: “Um, I didn’t—”

Owner: “Oh, yes, you did. [My Name], you want to press charges, darling?”

Me: “Yes.”

The customer tried to book it, but the police eventually got him.

The owner’s wife, my godmother, is the owner of the law firm he was trying to get a job at. He never knew that because she never wanted an interview with him, and he didn’t realize she was a woman due to her gender-neutral name.

He ended up moving out of town less than six months later.

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Everyone Loves A Repeat Offender

, , , | Romantic | December 29, 2020

I’m a manager at a video game store. I’m working with my coworker today, since it’s a busy weekend. As a woman, I’m used to occasional degrading comments but nothing too out of line. I’m also a lesbian, which is usually enough to deter guys from flirting with me too much.

We’re both working the register when a man comes in.

Customer: “Hey… Yeah, I wanna, uh, return this.”

He puts a single game down on the counter. It’s a cheap Xbox 360 game, something that’s probably been on a shelf for two years, but he has a receipt that’s within date, so I start the return.

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t like it. It’s not fast enough for me, you know?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I understand that. I usually go with [Popular Game] or something similar.”

Customer: “Oh, s***, you play games?! Like, actual games?!”

The way he says this makes me a little uncomfortable. Most people who work at the company are pretty serious gamers, regardless of gender. It would be weirder to find someone who DIDN’T play any popular release.

Me: “Yeah, I’ve been playing a lot of [New Release] lately. Did you want the return in cash, card, or store credit?” 

Customer: “Man, I bet you get all the dudes! You’d be like the perfect woman! Here, just put it back on my card.”

He spends a good five minutes getting his wallet out and then the card from the wallet. The entire time, he’s commenting on how I’m probably “high-demand” and “expensive but worth every penny.” I silently give him the refund and the return receipt.

Customer: “What time are you off? We could always play [Popular Game] over at my place, if you know what I mean.”

I’ve had enough.

Me: “Sir, I’m asking you to leave. Your transaction is done. Your behavior is wildly inappropriate.”

Customer: “What, hard to get? All right, I’ll leave.”

He makes his way out, complaining the whole time. It’s annoying, but I don’t think too much of it. I’m off soon after, and I head to get shopping done at a store across the walkway. When I walk in, I get a call from my coworker.

Coworker: “That dude from earlier followed you. He apparently was waiting outside our store. Be careful.”

I see the dude come in behind me. I ignore him at first, at least giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he’s also shopping at the store. Then, he comes straight over to me, getting uncomfortably close.

Guy: “What, still gonna pretend you’re not interested?”

Me: “Leave me the h*** alone or I’ll call security.”

Guy: “Oh, come on. We could have fun!”

Me: “Back off.” 

Guy: “You aren’t even giving me a chance, baby. What’s the worst that could happen?”

I pull out my phone and dial mall security. I quickly tell them I’m being followed and sexually harassed, and they say they’re sending a couple of guys my way. I try walking away from the creep, and he pulls me by my arm back over to him.

Guy: “Nah, not running away now. You can’t lose me!”

Me: “LET GO OF ME!”

This gets the attention of a few people nearby. He doesn’t let go but tries making comments like, “Oh, babe, you’re funny,” to throw off suspicion.

Me: “I don’t f****** know you!”

Security shows up. They tell him to let me go and come with them.

Guy: “What, I can’t try to pick up girls anymore? Is that a crime?”

Security: “Stalking and harassment are. You waited outside her store and followed her after she kicked you out.”

Guy: “What? No, she was flirting with me! Come on, you guys are really gonna ruin my chance like that?”

Security: “We know she didn’t ‘flirt’ with you. With us, sir.”

It turned out the guy had skipped a court date for another case of sexual harassment and assault. He was banned from the mall, but I decided not to press charges.

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She Will Not Be Joining Him On The Naughty List

, , , , , | Working | December 23, 2020

I am at my company’s Christmas party, not a hugely fancy event but fairly nice all told, just for employees and their partners. One man from a different department brought his wife — a total knockout and very classy — and they seem really happy together.

Another guy in a different department — also married but he didn’t bring his wife — keeps joining any conversation his colleague’s wife is in. Over the course of the evening, this turns into him trying to get her attention and engage her on his own. It’s pretty subtle, so most people don’t notice, and the colleague’s wife is perfectly polite to him and treats him the same as everyone else.

Eventually, she goes to get a drink on her own, near where I am. The jerk follows her, acting all suave, and tries to lean in and say something to her quietly. I can see her patience finally snap, and she looks down her nose at him like a queen rendering judgment as she speaks loud enough for a few of us nearby to hear.

Colleague’s Wife: “Only one man in the world is allowed in my bed, and you are not him!”

She stormed away to her husband, who was on the other side of the room and didn’t hear, and just held his hand and stayed with the group he was talking with. From the looks that the rest of us give the jerk, he got a big lump of coal and a lot of drama for Christmas. I just feel bad for his wife.

As for me, I’m now determined not to get married until I find a man who makes me want to guard his place in my bed like a lioness guarding her territory!

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