(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Ice Cream Shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay.”

Customer: “Oh, my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh, my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on NotAlwaysRight.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

(I am a volunteer at the zoo, and I am walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people can pet her.)

Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

Me: “No, sir, not at all. She’s very sweet; go ahead.”

Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

Me: “?!” *dodges his hand*

(Thankfully, he left quickly!)

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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(I am helping a regular customer who has wandered in — as he does daily — from the nursing home across the street.)

Old Man: “You’re working again?”

Me: “Yes, every day.”

Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

Me: “What can I say? I love my job.”

Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good-looking corpse.”

Me: “…”

(He got a wide berth after that.)

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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