(I live in a small town where one church sends members around to people’s houses. My family is technically Church of England, but we are not religious. This church’s members are extremely persistent. I am around eight years old, and my grandparents have a farm. Two church members park their car at the locked gate, climb the gate, and walk down the long driveway to the house. My grandparents have rung the church and sent letters asking them not to come onto the property, but they keep doing it week after week. My grandfather has warned them.)

Grandfather: *hearing the dogs barking* “G**d*** it. I’ve warned them.”

(He then goes to the cupboard where he keeps the shotgun for putting cattle down, culling kangaroos, etc., and goes outside and sits on the front porch steps with the shotgun behind him, out of sight of the two guys. I’m curious as to what’s going on, so I go to watch. As the men get close enough…)

Grandfather: “I’ve warned you. Now you have one minute to get off my property before I shoot.”

(He points the shotgun at them. I’ve never seen two people move so quickly in my life. They run up the driveway, jump the gate, and are gone in about a minute. About an hour later, two local cops come.)

Cop #1: “Now, [Grandfather], you can’t be doing that.”

Grandfather: “I’ve warned them numerous times and contacted the church. Plus, it wasn’t loaded.”

(This is true. As the farm is no longer a working farm, just a home, he doesn’t keep it loaded.)

Cop #2: *trying not to laugh* “Still, you’ll have to go to court over this.”

(My grandfather does have to go to the court, where the judge gives him a $100 fine, makes him hand in the gun, and tells him not to do it again. The church members never return. The second incident happens when I am about 19. As I’ve never really been religious and none of my housemates are, I would just ignore them, but this day they happen to catch me coming home. As I’m about to open the front door:)

Church Member: “Excuse me. Do you have a moment?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not religious, and no one here is. Please don’t come here again.”

(I open the door and step inside.)

Church Member: “Wait, if you’re not religious, how do you think the world was created, then? Surely you don’t think the big bang or evolution is the answer?”

Me: *sick of them already* “To be honest, I think we’re just a ‘big brother’ experiment for aliens. We’re here for their entertainment. Whenever an earthquake or something happens it’s because they’re bored.”

(I shut the door. My housemate, who heard the whole thing, can’t stop laughing.)

Housemate: “That’s better than the guy who pointed a shotgun at them a few years ago.”

Me: “Yep, that was my grandfather. I’m just a little more diplomatic.”

Housemate: “Seriously? That even made the newspaper!”

(They never came back to my house, either.)

(We have a friend that has been a dear friend for decades. He has one major flaw: he doesn’t pay his bills, on time or sometimes at all. It wouldn’t affect us if it weren’t for one BIG problem: he always puts us down as a reference, so of course the bill collectors call us when they can’t get him. I have fussed at him numerous times, and he at last has stopped, but with some of the calls I have had to get rude and threaten them. I was once a collection agent, for a legitimate company, so I know the laws governing them and what agencies to report an agency to. I have one rude title-loan company call me and when I ask them to stop, the guy starts telling me he can call anytime he wants.)

Me: “Really? The 1977 Federal Fair Collections Department Act says otherwise.” *silence from him* “Yeah, I was once a collection agent. I know what laws you are breaking, I know what government agencies to report you to, and I know how to make your company hurt.”

(That company never calls back. But a hospital takes the cake. Like usual, I try to be nice at first and explain that the person they are trying to reach does not live here, has never lived here, and will never live here. No, I will not take a message, and do not call back. This one just won’t listen. So, after a month of getting several calls a day, I have had it.)

Me: “Okay, I will take the message.”

Agent: “Great, I am glad you have finally seen the light. Tell him—”

Me: “Now wait. If you are going to use me as a messaging service, you will pay me as such. I charge $200, payment due up front.”

Agent: “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, I HAVE TO PAY YOU?!”

Me: “This is my phone. I pay the bill. You will pay me to take the messages to someone who doesn’t live here. Now, do you want to meet me with cash, or do you just want to mail me a cashier’s check?”

Agent: *very angry at this point* “What are you talking about?! I am not paying you!”

Me: “Then I won’t be delivering your message. Do not call here until you have the cash.”

(At this point a screaming match ensues. He is yelling that he will not pay, and how dare I demand money to deliver a message. I start yelling back.)

Me: “This is my phone! I pay the bill. Don’t call here. Don’t call here. Don’t call here. I pay my bills. I pay my bills. Don’t call here.”

(I could hear someone in the background telling the agent to hang up the phone over and over again. After about two or three minutes of us yelling, he finally hung up the phone. They got the message and never called me again. I have no problem if you are calling me about a bill I owe, but I will not be harassed over a bill that’s not even mine.)

(I work in a currency exchange. Two men come to my till and start negotiating the price for 1000 USD converted into Euro. They negotiate A LOT, and they try to be funny and flatter me, but the only result is that they look like douchebags that want to convince me to make a better price. I stand firm on a minimum amount that I know I’m allowed to make to guarantee the company a little income from the transaction.)

Me: “It’s 873€.”

Customer: “Okay. Let me take the money.”

(They talk to each other in their language, laughing.)

Customer: “You said 923€, right?”

Me: “No, sir, I said 873€.”

Customer: “Come on; do 875€!”

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry. But if you want to change here, right now, this is the price I can offer. It’s already very discounted, and I can’t give you one euro more.”

Customer: “Ugh, it’s just 2€ difference.” *then he says in a VERY cheesy way* “Are all Italian women this hard?”

Me: *showing off my wedding band and without skipping a beat* “Yes. Especially those who are married.”

Customer: “Uh… That was a good one.”

(They got their money and took off.)

(Overheard at the gym:)

Man: “Having big boobs when you’re fat is like having a fast car when it’s falling off a cliff.”

Woman: *obviously not impressed* “Or like having a big d**k when most of it is your personality.”

I am still fairly new to my job at a call-center for a car-sharing company. We were told in training that if a caller cursed at us directly, or threatened us or the company, we would be allowed to hang up. Nothing was ever said about whether we could disconnect calls with creepers.

This day, our client’s website goes down. That also means we can’t offer much caller support, since we use the same site our client’s members do. We do a lot of apologizing and offering to call people back once the site comes back online.

Then, I get a caller who seems normal at first. He asks plenty of general questions that I can answer — average membership fee, car types available, etc. And then, out of nowhere, the guy asks me if I’m from the Midwest. I tell him yes, since we are only forbidden from specifically saying what city we’re in. He’s on the East Coast, and he offers to put me up if I ever go out there. He proposes going out for lobster and having me call him Daddy or Papa. Then, he decides that I sound like I’m his son’s age, instead, and offers to hook me up with him.

The whole time he’s doing this, I’m trying to reach out to management or the lead operators — experienced agents who take supervisor calls — to see if I can hang up on the guy, because he won’t shut up and he creeps me out. All I’m getting are responses like, “That sucks,” or, “Tell him you have other callers.” This is a caller who won’t let me get a word in edgewise, as he’s offering to buy me a schoolgirl outfit, etc.

Finally, he hangs up his own accord. The call has taken almost an hour. I get a notice from our monitoring team about taking so long on a call when the main site is down… and a very belated comment from management about, “Oh, yeah. You can totally hang up on guys like that. You don’t even have to warn them before you do. Just let us know that’s what you’re planning to do, in case they complain. Sorry you didn’t get told that in training.”

Yeah, would’ve been nice to know before I got propositioned by a creepy older guy.