Willing To Pay Taupe Dollar

, , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2017

(I am checking out at a bookstore which offers throw blankets at a reduced price if you spend enough on other purchases. The blankets, all of which are shades of brown or grey, are on three shelves behind the cashier. Neither of us is stupid in this story; it’s just a miscommunication.)

Cashier: “Would you like to buy one of our throw blankets today? It would only be $29.”

Me: “Yes, I would, actually.” *pointing* “I’ll take one of the top ones.”

Cashier: *looking confused* “Top? Is that how you pronounce it?”

Me: *looking equally confused* “Yes?”

Cashier: *reaching for a blanket from the top shelf* “We’ve been saying ‘taupe.’”

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Their Humanity Is Not Up To The Mark

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 7, 2017

(I have a stork bite [red birthmark] on my forehead and down the side of my nose. I’m working the check-out, and am ringing up an older gentleman. Everything is going fine until…)

Customer: “You have something on your face.”

Me: “Oh, you mean my birthmark?”

(The man thinks for a bit, then leans right in and pokes me hard on my forehead.)

Customer: “That’s where God said, ‘I.’” *pokes me hard* “’Hate.’” *pokes me hard again* “’You.’” *pokes me hard one last time*

(The man then happily grabbed his purchase and walked out. I was too stunned to say anything.)

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Take A Pause And Consider Equality

, , , , , | Friendly | June 14, 2017

(I have a rainbow flag pin with equal signs for marriage equality. As I’m walking home from school with a friend she notices my button.)

Friend: “Why do you have a pause button on your backpack?”

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Moon Take Thy Flight. Now Die, Die, Die, Die

, , , , | Related | September 8, 2016

(I’m on the phone with my dad while on my way to a local park to catch a play. I’ve just told him that the play I’m going to is King Lear.)

Dad: “Oh! That was the first one I ever bought. I liked it so much.”

Me: “I read it before. It’ll be good to see it, though.”

Dad: “Yeah, it’s dense reading.”

Me: “It’s the one with the daughters, right?”

Dad: “I actually can’t remember. It’s been too long since I’ve read it.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that it’s basically Dear As Salt, but with more death.”

Dad: “It’s Shakespeare. Everyone always dies.”

Me: “Not true. Not in the comedies. Nobody dies in Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

Dad: “True. We only wish they would.”

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