I am just finishing up a client’s hair.

Client: “I really love what you did to my hair!”

Me: “Thank you!”

Client: “But I’ll never be back because you didn’t talk enough.”

Oh, no… The loss.

I overhear this at my hairdresser while I am waiting to pay. A lady is having a consultation prior to having her hair cut. She has long, long dead-straight hair in a centre parting.

Customer: “Right. How can we give my hair more body on top? It’s so flat.”

Hairdresser: “Okay, I can put in some layers to help lift it.”

Customer: “No, I want to keep it all one length.”

Hairdresser: “I can recommend a product that will—”

Customer: “I already told you; I don’t want anything on my hair. I hate all those mousses and things.”

Hairdresser: “All right, then. That makes it a bit tough. If we dry it lifting it away from your scalp, it will help lift at the roots, but the length will pull it down without anything to hold it.”

Customer: “Is that something I can do at home?”

Hairdresser: “Yes, of course. You just lift like this—” *demonstrates with a brush* “—and then direct the hairdryer at the roots—”

Customer: “Oh, no, I hate using heat on my hair. I always let it dry naturally.”

Hairdresser: “I don’t honestly think you’ll get any lift in your hair without any product or heat. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t work that way.”

Customer: “Look, I just want a haircut that will give me some body on top so it’s not flat to my head! You’re a hairdresser! Surely you can do something?”

At this point, I had paid and had to leave, with the poor hairdresser standing there looking bewildered. Lady, she can’t change the rules of physics for you; hair ain’t going to lift up on its own.

A girl comes into my salon. I take her to my seat and put the cape around her.

Me: “So, how are we going to cut it?”

Customer: “Can you cut it so it’s longer?”

Me: “You mean like hair extensions?”

Customer: “No, not fake hair. Can you cut it so it’s longer?”

Me: “No, but I can cut it so it’s shorter.”

She glares at me with the stare of Medusa.

Customer: “Ugh, forget it. Men can’t cut hair!”

She ripped off the cape and stormed off. All the other clients in the salon looked just as confused as I did.

My son wants a haircut, but all three of the salons in town have closed for various reasons. A new salon opens up, so I call the number on their sign. I’m not surprised when they don’t answer. I AM surprised when the nice phone lady informs me that the voicemail isn’t set up.

I call again the next day. The phone rings once and then goes to voicemail, a pretty strong sign my call was declined. 

Several hours later, I receive a call from the salon’s number.

Me: “Hello?”

Employee: “Hello?”

Me: “Yes? Hello?”

Not the most useful response.

Employee: “I… I have a missed call… from this number?”

Me: “Are you the salon?”

Employee: “Oh! Yes… I thought you were a scam call. I don’t answer calls from out-of-town area codes.”

Now, this IS a small town, but it’s a very hot tourist destination, and a lot of Alaska’s population are recent migrants from other states, so my out-of-town area code is in no way unusual.

Thinking I am being helpful, I say:

Me: “I see. Well, I would have left a message, but your voicemail isn’t set up yet.”

Employee: “Oh… no… I don’t really do messages… on my phone.”

Me: “So… can I get an appointment?”

When I went to the appointment, nobody was there!

My longtime stylist has started teaching at a cosmetology school. She asks if I would be willing to be a “hair model” for students to observe her technique in exchange for a free cut and style. I agree and come by the school at the specified time.

I have curly hair that I normally keep very long, but I have decided that I want to go shoulder-length. [Stylist] introduces me to her class and has me take a seat.

Stylist: “What are we doing today, [My Name]?”

Me: “I’d like to go shoulder-length with some layers, please.”

Stylist: “Are you sure? It may not work with your curly hair.”

Me: “I’m sure. I want to try something different.”

Stylist: “Okay, if you say so.”

She starts cutting while talking to her students about technique, customer preferences, and the like.

Stylist: “And sometimes customers ask for something that may not work for their type of hair or face shape. But we do it anyway, even if we think it won’t look good!”

Me: “It’s my hair. If I don’t like it, it’ll grow.”

Stylist: “See what I mean, guys?”

Her students chuckle. I roll my eyes. She finishes up and turns me around.

Stylist: “And you’re done! See, class, not as hard as you think it is.”

She has barely taken any length off and there are no layers. My hair is still several inches below my shoulders.

Me: “This isn’t what I asked for.”

Stylist: “Sure it is.”

Me: “I asked for shoulder-length with layers, and this is not it.”

Stylist: “If you don’t like it, then go somewhere else.”

A couple of students let out an “Ooooh”.

Me: “Wow.”

I walk out. I go to another salon a couple of weeks later. A different stylist does exactly what I ask for, and it looks fabulous! I decide to start going to her, instead.

About a year later, I get a text from my former stylist.

Stylist: “Hey, it’s been a while. Can I set up an appointment for you?”

Me: “Remember when you told me to go somewhere else if I didn’t like my hair?”

Stylist: “Oh, I have to be like that with students. I didn’t mean it.”

Me: “I have shoulder-length hair and a new stylist. Don’t contact me again.”

I went to my new stylist for several years until she moved out of the area.