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Night Of The Loving Dead

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2009

(I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

Me: “Um, what?”

Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

Me: “And why would you think that?”

Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

Me: “Narcoleptic.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

Me: “Necrophiliac.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

(I tell him.)

Customer: “Oh God, NO!”

Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2009

(I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

Gym Member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

Gym Member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

Me: “Okay.”

(The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

Gym Member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

Gym Member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Gym Member: “Oh, you’re welcome, sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”


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No Gastric Pain, No Gain

, , , , | Right | August 4, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Health Club]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

Me: “I guess it would…”


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Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

, , | Right | July 7, 2009

(This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

Customer: “Not very good.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

Me: “…uh …no?”

Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

Me: “Oh. Well… I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

Brawn Over Brains

, , , , | Right | May 19, 2009

(One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Fitness Club]. Can I help you?”

Gym Member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

(The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack, and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

Gym Member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

Gym Member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”


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