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That’s A Lotto Lunches

| Working | March 5, 2013

(I’m the weekend manager at a local gym. It’s a very, very slow Sunday afternoon, so myself, the maintenance guy, and the front desk guy are all sitting around at the front desk. The maintenance guy has just sat down and opened his newspaper. I watch as he squints his eyes and then they grow wide. He moves from his relaxed pose and straightens up. He then slides his glasses dramatically down from the top of his head onto his nose.)

Maintenance Worker: “OH. MY. GOD!”

Front Desk Guy: “…What happened?”

(We watch as the maintenance worker silently stands up, folds the newspaper and puts it down, and without a word walks out of the building. We then see his car pulling out of the parking lot. The front desk guy and I sit there, unsure of what had just happened.)

Me: “That was weird.”

Front Desk Guy: “Yes, Very. I wonder if he’s coming back…”

(We go about our business for about 15 minutes before we see the maintenance guy’s car pull back in. Moments later, he walks in holding a huge wad of cash.)

Maintenance Worker: “Guess who’s lotto tickets were winners? $2,500! So, uh, lunch is on me!”

Cold Hearts Can Leave You In The Cold

, , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2013

(Even though I have graduated college, I still use the campus fitness center almost daily. I’m used to the student employees there being rude and late to open the gym in the morning, and I’ve had problems with campus security being unhelpful in the past. This particular morning, I wake up to a blizzard. As I pull up to the gym, I see four other regulars waiting outside the door: two old ladies and two students, one of whom is in shorts. Keep in mind it’s 6:00 am in January in Minnesota.)

Me: “Hi, guys! I take it no one is here yet?”

Old Lady #1: “Yeah, we’ve all been here since six and there is no sign of anyone yet.”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Do you want to go sit in my car and turn the heat on? I really don’t mind.”

Student In Shorts: “No, I’m okay. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Old Lady #2: “Okay, this is starting to get silly. Maybe I should call campus security and see if someone can let us in.”

Student #2: “I tried five minutes ago. No one answered.”

Me: “I bet you all a million dollars that even if someone from security did come, they’d say it was against policy to let us in.”

Old Lady #1: *laughs* “Even they won’t be that ridiculous!”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Are you sure you don’t want to sit in my car?”

Student In Shorts: “I’m still fine. It can’t be much longer.”

(After 20 more minutes of making small talk and pacing around, we are starting to get angry and contemplate just leaving.)

Old Lady #1: “Hey, I think there is someone at the front desk! Finally, we can go inside!”

(We all rush to the door, and, sure enough, there is a campus security guard leaning against the front desk. She doesn’t seem to see us, so we start knocking on the door.)

Me: “Hey, can you let us in, please?”

Student In Shorts: “Hello!”

Old Lady #2: “Woman! Open the d*** door!”

(The guard looks in our direction and clearly sees all of us waving, but she doesn’t move and looks away.)

Old Lady #1: “Oh ,you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me. Hey!”

(We continue knocking and yelling until she finally slowly walks over and opens the door.)

Security Guard: “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in until the employee gets here. It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “You can’t be serious.”

Security Guard: “There’s nothing I can do.”

Me: “Can’t you just let us stand inside? We don’t have to go to the gym. We’ll just sit on those benches until the employee gets here.”

Security Guard: “No.”

Old Lady #1: “We’re not going to do anything. What does it matter if we just sit there?”

Security Guard: “It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “That girl is in shorts and we’ve all been out here since six! Just let us in the d*** building! You can stand and watch us sit on the bench if you’re worried.”

Security Guard: “No.” *closes the door*

(By this point, we’ve all had enough and decide to just keep pounding on the door and yelling until the guard finally lets us sit inside. She grumbles and complains about this until the student worker finally shows up. By now, it’s 7:00 am.)

Old Lady #1: *to the student worker* “It’s about d*** time, young lady. Why are you so late?”

Student Worker: “I felt like sleeping in. Plus, it looked so cold outside. I didn’t want to leave.”

Student In Shorts: “Wait, don’t you live on campus?”

Student Worker: “Yeah, so?”

Student In Shorts: “Which building are you in?”

Student Worker: *says building name*

Me: “The one across the street from this building?!”

Student Worker: “I didn’t want to deal with the cold!”

(The other regulars and I were left speechless. I still see that student worker some mornings. If it wasn’t for the fact that I can use the gym for free, I’d never go back!)


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His Opinion Carries No Weights

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2013

(My friend and I are both overweight, so we decide to start going to the gym to lose weight and get in shape for the first time in our lives. She is a bit self-conscious and is hesitant to go at first because she is afraid others will stare. After a couple of weeks, she stops worrying because most people at our gym go about their own business. We’d never had a problem until one day, when she is jogging on the treadmill.)

Rude Member: “Hey, fat b****! Why don’t you get off the treadmill before you break it?”

My Friend: *stops jogging* “What?”

Rude Member: “Get the f*** off the treadmill! Your fat a** is going to break it! Let someone who weighs less than Shamu use it! Just go away and take up space at [Fast Food Restaurant], where you belong.”

(My friend, looking like she’s about to cry, steps off the machine.)

Rude Member: “You fatties are a waste of space! You just eat everything in sight and lounge about, getting fatter, and then you complain about your weight. Why don’t you ever do something about it?”

My Friend: “Excuse me?! You just told me to get my fat a** off of a treadmill, where I was exercising, and go to [Fast Food Restaurant]. Then you have the audacity to tell me that I only sit around eating and not doing anything to lose weight? Get the h*** out of my face, you f***ing jerk!” *gets back on her treadmill and resumes jogging*

Rude Member: “I hope they charge you double when you break the machines, you cow!” *stomps away*

(Later, I saw the manager tearing up the rude member’s gym membership right in front of him. The manager had been informed of the whole incident by several other members!)


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So Much Ado About Nothing

, , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2012

(I work weekends at a local gym. We have a maintenance worker that is notoriously lazy. His boss, the director of maintenance, has instructed him to rinse off the pool deck with a hose. His boss has said he’ll check the surveillance tapes the next day to make sure he’s done his job. It should also be noted that the cameras are very grainy and cheap.)

Me: “You remembered to do the deck, right?”

Worker: *laughs* “Check this out, man: I went back there, unrolled the hose, hooked it up to the tap, and then just walked around the pool waving the hose around for 15 minutes. Then, I unhooked the hose, rolled it up, and put it back. All just so the camera could see.” *laughs some more*

Me: “You know, had you just turned the tap on, you would have actually done it. And it wouldn’t have taken you any extra time.”

Worker: “Well… yeah… but…”

(Not surprisingly, he got fired about a week later.)


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Forget You, And Forget Me Too

| Right | March 19, 2012

(I work at a gym and recreational facility that requires a membership.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question about my membership payment.”

Me: “Okay, are you on the annual or quarterly payment system.”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “On the bills you get from us, is it for $350 or $1400?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, if you can give me your name and phone number, I can make sure our billing person looks up your payment and then contacts you.”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number…”