That’s A Lousy Defence

, , , , | Learning | August 5, 2017

(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)

Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”

Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”

Boy: “Well, realistically I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”

The Hardest Workout Is Cancelling

| USA | Working | July 21, 2017

(I decide that I’m getting too unfit, so I go to a gym to join. I pick one closest to my house and walk in. After explaining, they send a salesman to talk with me and fill out forms.)

Salesman: “You should buy a personal trainer.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Salesman: “You can always quit if you don’t like it. Why don’t you try?”

Me: *hoping to move things along* “Ok, fine.”

(After trying out the personal trainer, I find him very bad as I expected. So I call up the gym.)

Gym: “Hello?”

Me: “May I speak with the manager.”

Gym: “One moment.”

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I bought a personal trainer package, but I don’t like him. Do I have to go to the gym to cancel him, or can you do it for me over the phone?”

Manager: “…you don’t have to come. It’s done.”

Me: “It’s done?”

Manager: “Yep.”

Me: “Thanks so much! What’s your name?”

Manager: “[Name]. Bye.”

(So I’m think everything’s okay, until some time later I look at my credit card bill and see that the gym is STILL taking out money for the personal trainer! So I go to the gym.)

Me: “Hello, I have canceled this personal training and it’s still charging me for it!”

Clerk: “Hold on, I’ll get the manager.”

Manager: *grinning* “Hello.”

Me: “Hello, I have canceled the personal training over the phone–”

Manager: “No, you need to come to the gym to do it.”

Me: “What? But the manager I spoke to on the phone said it was all canceled!”

Manager: “None of our managers said they spoke to you.”

Me: “Well, can you cancel it?”

Manager: “No, it’s already past the cancellation date. Why don’t you try another trainer?”

Me: “No! I want this cancelled! Some employee of yours lied to me!”

Manager: “Tell me who!”

Me: “[Name]!”

Manager: *grinning* “There’s no [Name] here. TELL ME WHO SO I KNOW WHO TO FIRE!”

Me: “That’s it. Please cancel my membership.”

(He did, still grinning away like a maniac, refusing to refund my money. I made sure to get his name and a cancellation confirmation. Later, I talked to my bank about the charges, and they helped me get my charges refunded. Sad that some dishonest employee made me go further to another gym, but… the real kicker is that that gym keeps sending me junk mail, begging me to sign up with them! No thanks!)

Getting A ‘D’ Grade

| England, UK | Working | May 15, 2017

(I go to the reception to register my membership. I’m quite conscious that English is not my first language, so I always say something like Apple for A, Boy for B, etc. so people can get my spelling right. The staff asks for my postcode, so after saying the whole postcode, I spell it again with words starting with each letter in my postcode. He gets them all correct till the last one.)

Me: “Dog.”

(He couldn’t get the letter.)

Me: “D for Dog.”

(He typed another wrong letter.)

Me: “Dog, Dan, …? ABCD?”

(He got a different wrong letter at every single attempt. So I just wrote down the whole postcode on paper and gave it to him instead. I still wonder what I did wrong for the D letter.)

When You Don’t Want Someone At The Gym To Spot You

| OR, USA | Friendly | May 13, 2017

(I’m at a weight lifting class five minutes before start. I set up a bench, and a bar, and am standing by it when I get a poke on the shoulder.)

Lady: *sternly* “This is my spot.”

(I pause, taking in how childish this is, but decide it’s not worth a fight.)

Me: “Okay.” *I lean down, grab my bench, and start to pull it to another spot*

Lady: “No, that’s my bench! I set this up!”

Me: *startled* “I just set this up a minute ago.”

Lady: “Are you serious?!”

Me: “Yes. You can have that spot but I’m taking the bench and weights I just set up.”

(I drag them to the only available spot — right next to her. A lady who saw all this rushes to set this lady’s spot up for her while she fumes. Class begins and the lady is glaring at me in the mirror during class. It is intimidating and I leave class 10 minutes early because I have a bad feeling she’s not finished with me and I don’t want to talk to her. I shower and dress and when I come out of the locker room the lady is at the front desk, sees me, and points.)

Lady: “That’s her!”

(I walk up to front desk and start to explain what happened but the lady is screaming over me.)

Lady: “Liar! She’s lying! She’s a thief!”

Desk-Person: *trying to shush her but she won’t stop* “Okay, I’m going to take you each aside separately so I can hear both sides. Let’s start with you.” *points to me*

(We walk to back room, and once inside I start explaining but don’t even get a full sentence out before the lady bursts in!)

Lady: “She’s a liar! Please! She stole my spot! How can a person do something like that?! She’s a thief!”

(I have to explain the whole story while this woman shrieks, “no!” over me, which is very frustrating.)

Desk-Person: *turns to lady* “Okay. So this could have been anyone. It doesn’t matter what you think she did. You can’t scream at other members like this.”

Lady: “So you think it’s okay?! Would you steal someone’s spot? I came in half an hour early, set up my spot, ran on the treadmill, and when I got back, she stole my spot! How could she do that?!”

Desk-Person: “You don’t own anything here. Next time—”

Lady: “But I’m a member!”

Desk-Person: “So is she. Next time don’t set up your spot and leave it unattended. You have no way of knowing what happened. Someone could have put your stuff away before class—”

Lady: “No!”

Desk-Person: *very frustrated now and raises her voice* “You are in the wrong here! Actually, I can suspend your membership for this!”

(The lady is suddenly in tears.)

Me: “Uh, I have to go to work.”

(The front-desk-person apologized to me and I left. A few weeks later I saw that lady in the same class. Never spoke to me again.)

Best Not Take That Tone

| Manchester, England, UK | Friendly | February 20, 2017

(I am at the gym, walking down the long corridor to the changing rooms, with a random lady about the same age as me walking a few feet behind me, when my mobile phone in my handbag receives an email. A Minion shouts ‘oh, hello’ and giggles.)

Random Lady: *a few seconds later* “Did your handbag just talk to you?”

Me: “Oh, yes, it does that all the time!”


Random Lady: *very seriously* “How do you get it to do that?!”

Me: “Erm, it’s my mobile ringtone?”

Random Lady: *sounding totally enlightened* “Ohhh!”

Me: *mental face-palm*

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