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Nerds Turn Up Precisely When They Intend To

, , , | Right | June 3, 2022

We recently switched to our winter hours at the athletic center I work at. A patron comes in, apparently unaware of the changes. I explain the new schedule.

Patron: “Nobody told me the hours changed! How are we supposed to know when to come?

Me: “We keep our website updated with all the changes.”

Patron: “Only nerds keep track of the website! No one has time to look things up!”

Me: “Okay, have a nice day!”

Do You Even Google, Bro?

, , , , | Right | May 12, 2022

I work at a gym and am currently answering calls.

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Gym]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah. Do you know if [Restaurant] near you guys is open?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I do not.”

Caller: “Oh. Well, could you check for me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “Ya. Can you walk over there and see if they are?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t leave the building. I would suggest looking up their number and calling them to find out.”

Caller: “How would I find out their number?”

Me: “They probably have it listed on Google.”

Caller: “Can you do it for me? Call them and then call me back and let me know?”

Me: “Sorry. We are quite busy at the moment, and since this is unrelated to the gym, I won’t be able to assist you.”

He begrudgingly accepted that answer, muttering something along the lines of how I was providing poor customer service. I looked up his number in our system and no memberships popped up, so he wasn’t even a member of the gym!

The Heavy Weight Of Entitlement

, , , | Right | March 12, 2022

I have gone to my local gym at a quiet time on a weekday as I have been blessed with a day off. There is only one other woman in the weightlifting machines section of the gym. I start using one of the machines when the woman comes up to me.

Woman: “Excuse me, I was using that machine!”

Me: “Sorry! I didn’t realize.”

No worries, it happens. I move on to another machine.

Woman: “And that one!”

Okay, so she must be doing a super-set between both machines. I move on to a third one. The woman just tuts and stares daggers at me.

Woman: “No, no, no! I am using that!”

Me: “You’re using all three of these machines?”

Woman: “I am using all of them!”

She gestures to the entire corner of the gym with the weightlifting machines.

Me: “You can’t use all of them at the same time. Let me know which ones are part of your current set and I’ll wait for you to finish.”

Woman: “Ugh, no. That won’t do. You can’t use any of these until I finish my workout.”

Me: “Sorry, but no. This isn’t your private gym. I’ll work out where I want if the machine is free.”

With that, I put in my headphones and start my set, ignoring her staring daggers at me with her arms crossed for almost a minute before she stomps off. Soon, she is back with one of the gym staff.

Staff: “Excuse me, sir, this member claims you’re harassing her?”

Me: “Actually, it’s the other way around. She doesn’t want me to use any of the machines until she’s finished her workout.”

The staff member turns to the woman.

Staff: “Ma’am, is that true?”

Woman: “Honestly, I come here at this time of the day so I can have the place to myself! I shouldn’t have to share with him and his sweat!”

Staff: “Ma’am, this isn’t a private gym. You have to share the facilities with other members. You can’t reserve all the machines.”

Woman: “But it’s just until I finish my workout! He’s a man; he can go use the free weights!”

Staff: “That’s not how it works, ma’am. Any member can use any section of the gym they wish. Please only reserve the machine you’re currently using and let other members exercise in peace.”

With that, the woman hmphs and storms off, leaving me and the staff member staring at each other, bewildered.

A couple of minutes later, the fire alarm starts blasting and a member of staff hurries over shouting for everyone to evacuate and not to go back to the lockers for our belongings. The few members of staff and members gather in the parking lot waiting for the inevitable fire truck. I am looking inside the gym while we wait, trying to spot evidence of a fire, when, shockingly, I see the woman inside working out! The member of staff runs back in to fetch her, and I can see them have some sort of argument. After a few moments, he comes back out, looking even more bewildered. He approaches his manager, and I can hear the conversation:

Staff: “She… she pulled the fire alarm! She said she wanted the gym to herself as she expects at this time of day. There’s no fire!”

A firetruck still arrives, and the firefighters confirm there’s no fire. When we’re allowed in, I can see the manager and staff member having an argument with the woman.

At the end of my workout, I can’t help but ask the staff member what happened.

Staff: “Oh, she’s definitely banned. She’s also facing criminal charges. She pulled the fire alarm in the woman’s locker room just so she could get the place to herself. I’m pretty sure she’s getting a hefty fine for that!”

Definitely the most memorable workout I have had in a while!

Don’t Get A Personal Trainer If You Just Want To Argue

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2022

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a health-related nature. It is not intended as health advice.

I used to work in a gym as a personal trainer. My main customers were those who needed the most help or greatest weight loss. Part of the service was a full meal plan and then a series of exercises for the gym and at home. It works every time if you follow it; I have a picture wall full of success stories.

After a while, I knew who would and wouldn’t stick to the plan. The ones that didn’t always told me one of three things.

  1. A lie; they “somehow” gained weight every week even though they dieted and did all the exercises. (Honest.)
  2. A sob story; they wanted to follow the plan but their hamster got a cold.
  3. It was too hard or they didn’t like being hungry.

Either way, they all gave up and left, never to be seen again. 

[Customer] was an exception; she gave all the excuses but kept coming back. I nearly told her not to bother when she insulted me and my ability in her last blow-up. But she gave another sob story, and I foolishly let her back.

It was weighing day. I wasn’t looking forward to this.

Me: “It looks like you’ve gained this week, not much as last week. Where do you think you struggled this week?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I did all my exercises.”

Me: “How did you get on sticking to the meal plan?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Shall we check the food diary?”

Customer: “Well, I guess, but I think I’ve done fine.”

I check the diary: cakes, fast food, pastries, sweets, you name it — all of which are not on her food plan.

Me: “I think I can see the issue here. You can exercise all you want, but if you are not giving your body the right fuel it needs, you won’t lose weight.”

Customer: “I’m allowed a treat now and then, aren’t I?”

Me: “This is a treat every single day if I look at last week’s food. I would say you ate enough calories for eleven days in seven.”

Customer: “There is no way you can tell that.”

Me: “I’ve been doing this for many years. But we can work it out if you like.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to. I just need a different diet where I can eat these things and lose weight.”

Me: “You can’t eat takeaway, cakes, and deep-fried food every day unless you plan to run a marathon before breakfast.”

Customer: “You just don’t know what you are talking about.”

Me: “I think we are done here. If you can’t follow a simple plan, I am unable to help you. I will refund the rest of the year’s membership fees.”

Customer: “You can’t fire me! My husband won’t give me my weekly treat money if I don’t come to these classes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are not benefiting from these sessions, and frankly, your attitude has not been good enough on several occasions.”

Customer: “But you won’t tell him, right?”

Me: “He will probably notice when the direct debit doesn’t go through.”

Customer: “Oh, I will just tell him there is some issue with the bank.”

I didn’t tell her that we also send an email when we cancel any service. I wrote a very descriptive email explaining why she wasn’t welcome here anymore. I didn’t get a response, but I would have loved to hear the conversation that happened afterward.

For Them, Even Thinking Is A Workout

, , , | Right | February 9, 2022

I work at a gym, and we frequently get phone calls like this.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gym], [Location]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to speak to one of your managers.”

Me: “Sure. Let me check if they’re currently available. Do you mind me asking what it is in regards to? I might be able to assist until they’re able to come to the phone.”

Customer: “Oh, do you know what time the gym closes?”