Blocks Out The Glaring Customers

| FL, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(My coworker has just had laser corrective surgery on his eyes. Unfortunately, he’s experiencing a much greater than usual amount of swelling in the area. His optometrist has prescribed him eye drops and told him to keep sunglasses on at all times, until the swelling goes down, as bright light causes irritation.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

(My coworker and I notice an older customer glaring at him angrily.)

Coworker: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “How DARE you!”

Coworker: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You take those off right this instant! I won’t stand for this disrespect!”

Coworker: “You mean these?” *points to his sunglasses* “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that I had laser surgery on my eyes, and the eye doctor told me I have to keep these on because bright light makes the swelling worse.”

Customer: “LIAR!”

(The customer lunges over the counter and grabs the glasses right off of his face. She puts several bloody scratches on his forehead with her long fingernails.)

Coworker: “Oh, God!”

(My coworker clutches his face, doubles over, and staggers head-first into a wall.)

Me: “Good God, lady! Why the h*** did you do that?!”

Customer: “You young ruffians are worthless! Not showing me the respect I deserve because you want to look ‘cool’!”

(She drops the sunglasses on the ground and stomps on them, shattering them. The noise and commotion have attracted our manager.)

Manager: “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Customer: “That young punk was disrespecting me with his gang stuff! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at the shattered sunglasses on the ground, and my coworker, who is doubled up, moaning and bleeding.)

Manager: “Did you assault my employee?”

Customer: “I can do whatever I want to scum like him! I’m the customer, so he has to do what I say! And he needed to be taught a lesson about respect, with those stupid things on his face!”

Manager: “He was wearing those because his optometrist told him not to look at any bright light!”

Customer: “You expect me to believe that? Give me a break! Now I DEMAND to be served RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

Manager: “I’m calling the police.”

Customer: “Good! He SHOULD be in prison! He should rot there!”

(The customer actually stands there looking smug and triumphant as the manager calls the police right in front of her, while I lead my coworker to the front office to get the first aid kit. About ten minutes later, the cops show up. My manager and the general manager of the store explain to them what happened, with the customer agreeing the entire time, still convinced the cops will be on her side. It completely blows her mind when the cops start to drag her away instead, as she goes kicking and screaming that my coworker should be the one getting arrested, not her.)

Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals, Top

(I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing; only pretend ones do.”

Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

(At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

Employee: “Is that so?”

(The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

(I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

(The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

(She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

Me: “I think so, babygirl.”

Not So Rewarding

| Calgary, AB, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

Me: “And do you have your rewards card with you today?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, it’s in here somewhere…”

(The customer proceeds to open and search through their purse while I wait.)

Me: “I can take your phone number, if that’s more convenient.”

Customer: “No, no! I can find it; it won’t take a moment.”

(The customer keeps looking as the line grows longer.)

Me: “I’d be perfectly happy with a phone number.”

Customer: “You young people are so impatient these days!”

(My line has now grown by at least five customers, who are starting to look restless. The customer is searching her wallet.)

Me: “You’d be able to leave much quicker if you’d—”

Customer: “Oh, for goodness sake! Do you really think I’ll just give your my phone number that easily? That’s personal information! How do I know you won’t call me later trying to sell me something I don’t need?”

(I am speechless.)

Customer: “Oh… you know what? I think my husband has the card; he was going to use it tomorrow. My phone number is [number]!”