Call-Waiting Will Keep Her Waiting

| Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

(I work in the meat and seafood section of our store. Two customers approach. Customer #1 is a forty-something woman in business attire, who is glued to her cell phone. I engage her first.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

(Customer #1 holds up her index finger to me in the standard ‘wait’ gesture without making eye contact, and continues talking on her phone without missing a beat. I wait a few seconds to see if she’ll end the call. When she doesn’t, I go over to help Customer #2.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Yes, I’d like one pound of—”

Customer #1: “Hey! I’m next in line! You never took my order!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t think you were ready to order.”

Customer #1: “Well, I am! Get over here and help me!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you once I’ve finished this lady’s order, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “I was here before her! You call your manager over here right now!”

(I call the manager over on the intercom, and go back to filling the Customer #2’s order. After a minute or so, the manager arrives.)

Manager: “What’s going on here?”

(I point to Customer #1, who is still on her phone call.)

Me: “She wants to talk to you.”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer #1: *gives him the ‘wait’ finger*

Manager: “I don’t have time for this.”

(The manager starts walking away.)

Customer #1: “Hey, you get back here! This employee was rude to me!”

Manager: *gives her the ‘wait’ finger without turning around*

Customer #1: “ARGH! I hate this store!”

Saving Souls And Money

| Buena Park, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month, Top

( One late night, a customer comes up dressed in very stereotypical goth attire and makeup.)

Me: “Okay, sir! Your total comes to [total].”

Customer: “Look me in the eyes.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(I look the customer directly in the eyes. He starts speaking in a steady voice.)

Customer: “You will give me a discount.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t just give you a discount.”

Customer: “Yes, you will. I am a vampire lord, and you are under my mental control.”

Me: *in the same type of steady voice* “You are a vampire lord, and I am under your mental control.”

Customer: “Very good. Now give me a discount or I will consume your soul.”

Me: “But master, as you can clearly see, I am a ginger, and it is common knowledge that gingers have no souls.”

(The customer stares into my eyes silently for a few seconds, and then breaks eye contact.)

Customer: “D***, you’re right. It was worth a try.”

(The customer pays and leaves.)

Supervisor: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Supervisor: “You’re blond.”

Me: “Really? THAT’S what you picked up on?”

Drinking Responsibly

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Underaged

(While perusing the selection of beer at my local grocery store, I cannot help but notice the enormous, brightly-colored signs posted on every available surface which proclaim: “WE CARD EVERYONE”. After choosing what I want, I head for the checkout, being sure to get my ID out along with my credit card.)

Me: “Just this, thanks.”

(The employee looks at me nervously. I’m 29, but look a good bit younger.)

Employee: “Now because this is alcoholic, ma’am, I am going to need to see your ID.”

Me: “Of course, got it right here.”

(The employee blinks in surprise, then smiles enormously and happily rings up my six-pack of hard cider.)

Me: “Do people really give you that hard a time about this? You have huge red and yellow signs EVERYWHERE. Not to mention it’s kind of, you know, the law?”

Employee: “Honey, you have no idea. Thank you for being smart. Here’s your receipt, and I hope you really enjoy that!”