Ugly Advice From An Ugly Soul

| New York, USA | At The Checkout

(I’m skinny, tall, and with long hair. My boyfriend is also my coworker. He’s chubby, short, and his head is shaved. While ringing up a woman, my boyfriend passes by me at the end of his shift.)

Woman: “Was that your boyfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “My goodness, you deserve much better than that. You look like a model and don’t belong with that awful looking junk!”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, I don’t think that’s for you to decide.”

Woman: “I highly advise you to dump him. My friends and family always say I give the best advice and none of them have ever regretted it.”

Me: “Ma’am, could you drop the subject? I’m trying to ring up your
groceries and there’s a line behind you.”

Woman: “Alright. I’ll have a talk with you some other time.”

(So far, this woman hasn’t come back. Hopefully, she never will.)

No Shame, Period

| Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(I am working in the produce section where we sell very thick and very red cranberry juice. As I am placing some on the shelves, I drop one, which spills on the ground. To prevent it from leaking all over the place, I quickly carry it to the customer bathroom close by to empty the rest in the toilet, leaving a long trail of red liquid.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Someone’s had their period in the bathroom!”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. I just dropped cranberry juice on the floor.”

Customer: “Well, then, can I get a discount for the nausea?”

Cashier By Day, Consort By Night

| NC, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, are you all sold out of condoms?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve been out of condoms for a week. I’m sorry, but you’ll probably have to go to a [pharmacy] to find some.”

Customer: “Can I have one from your personal stash?”

Me: “My personal stash?”

Customer: “Yeah, from your purse.”

Me: “Sir, I think you have mistaken me with a different profession!”

This Cheese Tastes Slippery

| Jenks, OK, USA | Top

(I work as the HR manager at a grocery store. We often have various specialty items on display near the registers. One day, an angry customer storms in and confronts me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Your cheese samples made me very sick!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that ma’am, but I was unaware that we had cheese samples in the store today.”

Customer: “You sure do! I took a sample and my mouth was foaming before I even left the store!”

Me: “Do you mind showing me where you found the cheese sample?”

(The customer leads me to a table filled with samples.)

Customer: “It was these! See, a whole table filled with them. They’re not even being attended by anyone! They’re all rotten. I demand compensation!”

Me: “Ma’am, the reason you got sick is because these are not cheese. These are bars of soap.”

(The customer stares at wide-eyed at the table: it’s filled with unwrapped bars of specialty bath soaps which are clearly labeled as “Organic Soaps”. Realizing her mistake, she covers her mouth with her hand and runs out of the store.)

Casting The First Stone

| Elizabethtown, PA, USA | Religion, Top

(A customer comes through my check-out line looking agitated.)

Customer: “How dare you work on a sacred day of rest!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Today is Sunday! Why are you here? You should be in church, you blasphemous heathen! Why are you here?”

Me: “I’m working on Sunday because there are customers that want to buy groceries on Sundays.”

(The customer immediately shut up and didn’t speak for the rest of the time I rang up his groceries).