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Picky Python

, , , | Right | February 2, 2009

(A lady comes in with an eight-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

Customer: “You’re crazy!”

Me: *calling to a manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work, either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

Me: “…”

Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

Customer: “I’m going across the street and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

(We never saw her again.)

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Paper, Plastic, Horrible, Fantastic

, , | Right | January 30, 2009

Me: “Did you need a bag for that?”

Customer: “Yes… oh, do you have plastic? Can I have one?”

Me: “Sure.” *hands her a plastic bag*

Customer: “I thought you guys were like Whole Foods. They got rid of all their plastic bags.”

Me: “Well, I know they’re trying to ban plastic bags in Boston…”

Customer: *suddenly agitated* “A company shouldn’t need a law to do the right thing!”

Me: “Oh… we keep ours because some of our customers still prefer plastic bags over paper.”

Customer: *suddenly nice* “Oh I know! I got one!”

Education Is No Guarantee

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2009

Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

Customer: “What? Why?!”

Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

Customer: “But… why?”

Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to under-aged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “Because… smoking is dangerous.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads ‘SMOKING KILLS.’ Wasn’t that a hint?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just… ugh. Just give me some gum!”

Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… Umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

Frequent Diers Club

, , , | Right | January 27, 2009

Me: “Hi there.”

Customer: *smiles* “I got out o’ rehab yesterday. I was in fer 16 weeks! I was in fer the drink.”

Me: “Oh, right…”

Customer: “I went fer a drink to celebrate last night, just 1 or 2, ya know. I got carried away and woke up in a hospital the’ mornin, tubes in ma nose and s***. They brought me back nine times.”

Me: “Nine times… they resuscitated you?!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ve died a few times now. Been hit by twelve cars, been through four windscreens… in all, been brought back over thirty times a think.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What’s that thing with lotsa lives?”

Me: “A cat?”

Customer: No, more than a cat… Oh wait, yeah! They call me the cat! But I have more than a cat… they call me Supercat!”

Me: “Don’t you think you should cut back on the drinking?”

Customer: “Och, I just gotta stick to ma limits and no drink three litres. One litre is ma limit!”

Clarity Is Key

, , , | Right | January 23, 2009

Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

Customer: “Fish.”

Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

Customer: “Dead fish.”

Me: “…”