(An elderly woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Miss, can you please do me a favour?”

Me: “Sure thing. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need you to look after my dog.”

(I am slightly alarmed, as we are in the fresh meat section.)

Me: “Is your dog in the shop?”

Customer: “Of course not! Who brings a dog to a shop?!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry but I can’t mind your dog. As you can see I’m actually working in the store at the moment, so I can’t leave.”

Customer: “Are you refusing to help me?!”

Me: “No, miss. I’m afraid I simply can’t leave in the middle of a shift to mind a stranger’s dog.”

(She proceeds to slap me HARD in the face.)

Customer: “Why won’t you help me?!”

(She slaps me on the other cheek, and storms away. I turn to find a queue of customers at customer service, and a coworker looking on in horror.)

Me: “I need hazard pay for this job.”

Other Customer: “Holy s***, how did you not slap her back?”

Me: “Years of practice.”

(I finish a customer’s order, and they ask for a pen so they can write a check.)

Me: “Oh, sure. But you don’t need to fill it out.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer continues to write the check.)

Me: “You can just fill out the information you need, but you don’t need to fill out the check. You can leave it blank if you’d like to.”

Customer: “What’s the date today?”

Me: “It’s the 30th, but you don’t need to write it down, unless you need to.”

(The customer completely fills out the check. I run the check, and when the transaction’s complete, I give the customer her receipt and check back.)

Me: “There you are. Have a great night!”

Customer: *looking at the check in her hand* “Oh, you didn’t need this?”

Me: “Nope, it’s run electronically.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you say anything!?”

(I am a cashier, helping a customer. She sneezes.)

Me: “Bless you!”

Customer: “Are you a priest?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are you a priest?”

Me: “Um… no. I am a cashier at the moment.”

Customer: “Well, then you have no right to bless me!”

Me: “Okay… my apologies?”

Me: “Excuse me, can you help me find the organic buttermilk?”

Employee #1: “Sure, I’ll do it.”

Employee #2: “No, let me find it.”

Employee #1: *to me* “Where were you looking, ma’am?”

(I gesture to the dairy department, and both run off looking. Thirty seconds later…)

Employee #1: “Is this it?”

Me: “I need the organic stuff.”

Employee #2: “What about this?”

Me: “No, that’s orange juice.”

(As they keep looking, I step back to have another look myself.)

Me: “Ah-ha! Found it.”

Employees #1 & #2: *simultaneously* “Oh, you’re welcome!”

(They then turn and glare at each other. I start to walk away.)

Employee #1: “Be sure to tell my manager I found it for you!”

Employee #2: “Nuh-uh! You didn’t do any of the work.” *after me* “Tell her I found it!”

(I did talk to their manager… but it wasn’t the way they intended!)

(I’m at the store with my aunt, who is stubborn about using newer technology. I only have a few items, so I’m using self checkout.)

Aunt: “What are you doing over here? I’ve already put my stuff on the belt at the next register!”

(This register has three other people in line, all with many items.)

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll probably be done before you are anyway.”

(I resume scanning my items, while my aunt watches. When I’m done, I give the machine a $20 bill. It instructs me to take my change. My aunt’s eyebrows shoot up to the top of her forehead as she gasps.)

Aunt: “It gives you your change?! So… it’s like a vending machine… for GROCERIES?!”

Me: “Uh… yeah. I suppose.”

(My aunt rushes back to her old register, which has barely moved. All the people are staring at her. She brings her items over to me.)

Aunt: “DO MINE NEXT! I WANT TO USE THE GROCERY VENDING MACHINE!”

Me: “…I can’t take you anywhere…”