Their Assumption Has Expired

| ME, USA | Right | February 11, 2016

(I am the only cashier in front. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I think one of the other customers is stealing.”

Me: “Can you describe the person?”

Customer: *immediately shouts* “Obviously it’s the only black guy in the store. You can’t miss him!”

(She goes on to say that he is putting things in his cart and going out back, then all the stuff from the cart is miraculously gone. He works here, getting rid of expired merchandise. The customer screams at my manager when she won’t fire him for stealing from the company.)

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You Lose At Winning

| NE, USA | Right | February 10, 2016

(With the huge lottery jackpot, we’ve gotten quite a few customers in who are unfamiliar with how lottery works. I’m naturally sarcastic and with the hoards of customers, I’m getting a little snarky.)

Customer: “I’ll have a lottery ticket!”

Me: “Sorry, we just sold out.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “No, just kidding.” *sells lottery ticket, proceeds to the next customer* “What can I get for you?”

Customer #2: “The winning lottery numbers!”

Me: “Okay…” *touches a couple buttons, then hands the print out to the customer*

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “The winning lottery numbers.”

Customer #2: “But these were for the last drawing!”

Me: “You weren’t specific.”

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Not Even Remotely Close To Finding It

| TX, USA | Right | February 10, 2016

(I work in the customer service department at a grocery store and get a call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I think I left something there the other day and was hoping you’d found it.”

Me: “All right, what was the item, ma’am?”

Caller: “A DVD remote.”

(I’m surprised at this, since we almost only sell food.)

Me: “I’m sorry. What?”

Caller: “A DVD remote. I always carry it with me for personal reasons.”

Me: “I’m sorry… but we haven’t had any remotes turned in.”

Caller: “Okay, just figured I’d check. Will you call me if it turns up?”

Taking Out The Trashy Customers

| LA, USA | Right | February 9, 2016

(We have a policy on our non-perishable items that if they’ve been marked down a few times, the next time we charge only a penny for them, just to get rid of them. One of our regular customers has the annoying habit of knowing the markdown schedule and taking items she suspects are going to be a penny and hiding them throughout the store in odd places, so she can come back and retrieve them to pay only one cent. I’ve found many of these and returned them to the shelves, where they were promptly purchased by others. She’s previously yelled at me when her stashed items were gone. The next time the penny-pinching regular shows up:)

Customer: “What happened to the green vase?”

Me: “Which one is that?”

Customer: “The one that was so marked down. I wanted it.”

Me: *knowing I’d found it in her hidey hole and it had been sold* “Oh, that one. We threw it in the dumpster. It had been marked down and no one seemed to want it.”

Customer: “What? You just threw it in the dumpster?”

Me: “Yeah, but I don’t think they’d care if you wanted to peek in there and see if it’s on top.”

Customer: “Okay, then!”

Coworker: “What was that all about?”

Me: “I just sent her to dig to the bottom of the stinkiest garbage ever, for something that doesn’t exist.”

Coworker: “Good.”

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Nacho Best Moment

| Perth, WA, Australia|Houston, TX, USA | Friendly | February 7, 2016

(I am on the phone with my friend while she is at the grocery store.)

Friend: “Huh, I wonder was this ‘farmer cheese’ is…”

Me: “Must be cheese for farmers.”

Friend: “But I’m not a farmer.”

Me: “Then I guess it’s NACHO cheese!”

Friend: “I’m done with you.”

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