(I am nine years old and my brother is four. Mom has taken us both shopping. I wander off by the produce section and happen across the eggplants, which I have never seen before in my life. The name causes me to crack up like a lunatic.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother]. You’re an eggplant!”

Brother: *at the top of his lungs* “I’M NOT AN EGGPLANT!”

(Everyone turns and stares. Mom is furious.)

Mom: “What have you done to your brother this time?”

Me: “I just told him what he is… an eggplant!”

Brother: “NUH-UH! I’M NOT AN EGGPLANT!”

Me: “You don’t even know what an eggplant is!”

Brother: “Okay, what is it?”

(I rush over to the produce display and grab an eggplant, then run back and wave it in his face.)

Me: “This! That’s what you are!”

Brother: “I’M NOT THAT!”

Mom: “Put that eggplant back this instant! And stop tormenting your brother!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I grab my brother’s hand and drag him over to the produce display.)

Brother: “LET GO OF ME!”

Mom: “What are you doing now?!”

Me: “You told me to put the eggplant back! So I’m putting him back!”

(My brother howled about not being an eggplant all the way through the rest of the shopping trip and all the way back home.)

(I am calling to schedule an appointment for a food safety exam with the nutritionist at a local grocery store, who I spoke with the day before.)

Employee #1: “Thanks for calling [Store]. This is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I need to talk to Nancy.”

Employee #1: “Okay. I’ll transfer you.”

(I am placed on hold for a couple minutes)

Employee #1: “Dennis is actually with a customer, so I’ll place you back on hold.”

Me: “Wait. I wanted to talk to Nancy.”

Employee #1: “Oh! Sorry. Let me transfer you!”

(I am placed on hold again.)

Employee #2: “This is Rosemary in the floral department.”

Me: “…I’m looking for Nancy, actually.”

Employee #2: “Oh, sorry. I’ll transfer you.”

(I wait again for a few minutes.)

Employee #2: “This is Rosemary in the floral department.”

Me: “…I’m still looking for Nancy.”

Employee #2: “Oh! Sorry, let’s see if we can get this right this time!”

(While I am placed on hold, I hear an ad to ‘contact Nancy for my nutrition needs.’)

Me: *to no one* “Easier said than done!”

(I work in a small bulk grocery store. As it is the week before Thanksgiving, we are extremely busy. It’s nearing the end of my shift and a coworker is about to go on lunch. The following exchange occurs as we’re walking toward the break room.)

Me: “Ugh… it’s been a rough day. Am I dead yet?”

Coworker: “I wish…”

(I start to walk away and then it clicks what she just said.)

Me: “I’m sorry… did you just say ‘I wish?’”

Coworker: “No, that’s not what I meant to say!”

Me: “Well, it sounded like it.”

Coworker: “No! I just meant I feel the same way and almost wish I was dead; not you! That didn’t come out right!”

(I laugh it off.)

Coworker #2: *jokingly* “Well, now we know what she really thinks of you!”

(My coworkers are lucky I have a dark sense of humor.)

(Two customers come to my register with two baskets overflowing with groceries. They’re accompanied by four children between the ages of 4 and 11. The carts are loaded to overflowing with baby food and formula, diapers, expensive meats, cheese, beer, wine, sodas, and lots of frozen meals. They are extremely friendly and lay on the endearments quite heavily.)

Me: “So, did you find everything okay tonight, folks?”

Customer #1: “Oh, honey! Bless you! You bet we did, baby!”

Customer #2: “Woooo! More than everything! Look at these steaks! These are gonna be great!”

(The customers and their eldest two children load the first cart onto the belt. They take it, empty, to the end of my register to bag and load their groceries, since I don’t have a bagger. After several minutes, I finish ringing them up.)

Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [large, triple digit sum]. How would you like to pay that today?”

Customer #1: “By check. Let me write it up for you, honey.”

(As the first customer writes the check, the rest of the group finishes packing the groceries. She finishes writing the check and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, great. Can I see your ID to confirm a few details?”

Customer #1: “Sure, honey. Sure.”

(She opens her wallet and flips to the clear ID panel. The driver’s license inside looks really wrong.)

Me: “Sorry. Do you mind if I remove the ID from the plastic to see it better?”

Customer #1: “No, baby! Go ahead, sweetie! Help yourself!”

Me: “Okay. Ah. Do you have another form of identification, ma’am?”

Customer #1: “What’d you say, honey?”

Me: “Another form of ID? A driver’s license or something?”

Customer #1: “Honey, that IS my driver’s license.”

Me: “Actually, no, ma’am. It’s a Six Flags ID. See? The back here says ‘not government issued ID’ and the ‘Texas’ holograms are just gold puff paint.”

Customer #1: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That right there IS my real ID, baby!”

Me: “And your check has a few routing numbers scratched out—”

(The customer suddenly snatches the check and ID out of my hands. The whole group bolts for the exit as I call for a manager. He commends me on catching them out and gets staff to put the items in the freezer for the time being. A few minutes later, I get a phone call on my register.)

Me: “Hello. This is [Store Name], register 12. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Cashier: “Hey, [My Name]. Can you get me [Assistant Manager]? I’ve got someone trying to pass a bogus check on gas and soda out here.”

Me: “Does she have [Name] tattooed across her chest in a script font?”

Cashier: “That’s her.”

Me: “Stall her. Tell her the check’s jammed in the machine or something. I’m sending him out.”

(I call the same assistant manager as before. The acting unit manager, loss prevention member, and the assistant manager book it out the door to the parking lot. By the time they arrive, the customer and her group had made a run for it, leaving the stolen check and fake ID behind. Police are called. We are questioned, and then told that the woman has no fewer than three warrants out for her arrest.)

(I’ve gone to pick up a few things. I am in the line for the register when I hear someone yelling. Since I’m a curious person and the store isn’t very busy, I leave with my cart to see what’s going on. I soon see a woman in her 30s lecturing a boy in his teens who works in the store.)

Customer: “People like you disgust me! Not everyone is Christian! You shouldn’t tell people to celebrate something from a faith they don’t believe in! F*** you and your ‘Merry Christmas!’ religious erasure!”

(The employee is clearly overwhelmed. He’s been very sweet in helping me in the past so, against my better judgment, I step in.)

Me: “Even if you aren’t Christian, it’s still nice to hear that someone wants you to have a good holiday. Peace on Earth, goodwill towards man, not erasure. If you even bothered to talk to this guy for more than a few seconds you’d know how nice he is. He just wants you to have a good holiday season, lady.”

Customer: “You, too! You’re just as rude and disgusting as this brat. I bet you and him go around thumping gays with bibles to turn them straight! I’m going to report the both of you!”

Me: “Lady, I’m agnostic. That means I accept the fact that we don’t know for sure if there is a God or not. As such, I should just be the best person I can be because it’s the right thing to do. I love Christmas time. It’s full of love for everyone and it’s a time for family and friends to all come together. It’s full of people doing good for each other. If you don’t like people wishing you a good holiday just because of the religion that celebrates the holiday, you’re just as bigoted as the people who really do want erasure. Also, I’m bi. So I wouldn’t go around ‘thumping’ anyone for their sexuality.”

(The customer sputters for a minute before storming off with her cart. The employee looks at me after a few seconds to calm himself down.)

Employee: “I only said it because she said she was planning Christmas dinner…”