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What. The. F***.

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2008

(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

Male Caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

Me: “All right, what would you like to know?”

Male Caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with eight women for six hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

Me: “Would I… What?”

Male Caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

Male Caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

Male Caller: “Would you?”

Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

Male Caller: *click*

She Who Wears The Pants

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2008

Customer: “…and I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

Customer’s Wife: “No, he doesn’t.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Customer’s Wife: “You don’t need them.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Customer’s Wife: “No, you don’t.”

Me: “No offense, sir, but she’s scarier than you are.”

Customer’s Wife: “D*** straight!”

My Fellow Americans, You Are Crazy

, , , , | Right | September 25, 2008

Me: “That will be [total].”

Customer: “Why’d your prices go up?”

Me: “Well, the cigarette tax just went up.”

Customer: “This sounds illegal.”

Me: “The state tax on cigarettes just went up. We don’t have control over that.”

Customer: “I know the President of the United States. I think I’m gonna give him a call.”

Me: “Okay… have a nice day.”


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Be Careful What You Ask For

, , , | Right | September 25, 2008

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a wheat sandwich, with everything you like in it.”

Me: “Um, sir… you will be the one eating the sandwich, not me.”

Customer: “I SAID I wanted a wheat sandwich with whatever YOU like in it.”

Me: “Um… what kind of meat?”

Customer: “Didn’t you just hear what I said? WHEAT SANDWICH WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT ON IT!”

(I make the sandwich for the customer.)

Customer: “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?!” *walks away*

Coworker: “So… you like extra mustard and everything on it, especially jalapenos?”

Me: *smiling* “I don’t like mustard, I don’t like hot stuff, and I hope he has a terrible nice time in the bathroom.”

Pepsi With A Hint Of Levis

, , , | Right | September 23, 2008

(A customer places a two-liter bottle of soda down at the end of the conveyor belt. When the conveyor belt, moves the bottle falls over and the cap shatters; the soda leaks all over my pants.)

Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to get another bottle if you still want to buy the soda.”

Customer: “But I wanted that bottle!”

Me: “Well, then… I’ll just squeeze the soda from my pants back into the bottle for you.”