An Oscar Major Weiner

| QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(An older man comes in as I open the store. He seems innocent enough and is roughly 80 years old. When he comes up to the checkout we make idle chat, until I’ve scanned all of his groceries.)

Me: “That’ll be $42.99 today.”

Customer: “I won an Oscar. Do you want to see it?”

Me: “Sure!”

(He quickly runs out of the store, leaving his groceries there before shortly returning. He is holding a fake Oscar, but looks very proud so I humor him.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “It’s very nice. What did you win it for?”

Customer: “Read the inscription!”

(The inscription says “Longest Standing Member.” By now, I was confused out of my mind, until the old man snickered and moved his hand, revealing the statue had large private parts standing out.)

Me: *speechless, but quietly laughing*

Customer: “My wife got this for our anniversary!”

A Divisive Question

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I am a clerk stocking groceries. A newer, less experienced clerk approaches me to ask a question.)

Coworker: “Do we carry something called divided oil? A customer needs it for a recipe and I’ve never heard of it.”

(I went over to the baking aisle and proceeded to explain to the middle-aged female customer and my teenaged coworker what it meant when a recipe calls for one and a half cups oil, divided.)

Cold Day, Hot Chocolate, Warmed Heart

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Awesome Customers

(It’s early January and I am the lot attendant for the local grocery store. It is bitterly cold outside, with the thermometer hovering at about six degrees and the wind chill pushing it down further. Snow is everywhere. I have just come in for my break. We have a little cafe area near the entrance that sells hot chocolate. I would get some, but the line is eight customers deep, and I only have fifteen minutes. I resign myself to a very unpleasant shift and head for the office. On the desk is a steaming hot cup of hot chocolate with a Post-It note attached. The note reads: “For the poor man out there dealing with the carts.)

Me: *to myself* “Best customer I never met.”

(To this day, I still don’t know who left that for me. Whoever you are, thank you so much for the hot chocolate. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that shift without it.)

Not Paid Enough Peanuts For This

| Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(Our store has a decent-sized bulk section where customers can get whatever amount of certain products and pay for them by weight. Each bin in the bulk section has a clearly marked PLU number, as well as pens and tags available for the customer to write down the number so the cashier knows what they are buying. One day a woman comes into my line with a bag of peanuts from the bulk section. We have at least half a dozen different types of peanuts, and I can’t tell which kind these are by looking at them.)

Me: *sets the bag on the scale and looks for a tag* “I’m sorry ma’am, did you happen to get the PLU code for these?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay… Um… Do you know what kind of peanuts they are?”

Customer: “No, I don’t. Just ring me up already!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t ring them up without the PLU code. Do you at least know how much they were? I can put them in by the price.”

Customer: “NO!” *picks up the bag and throws them at me* “I DON’T WANT THEM!” *storms out angrily*

Me: *blinks*

Supervisor: *walks up to me* “Are you okay? What just happened?”

(I told her, and she was as shocked as I was. The real kicker? I have a SEVERE peanut allergy!)

The Lesser Known Brother

| OH, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(I work for an upscale, quirky, grocery chain, and they encourage us to dress up for Halloween. I have a full Indiana Jones outfit: fedora, jacket, bullwhip, satchel with a gold idol. A tipsy-to-drunk group of college kids came in to resupply, and one of the frat bros points at me.)

Bro: “It’s F***ing Idaho Jones!”