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Doesn’t Even Have To Massage The Truth

| Santa Rosa, CA, USA | One-Liners, Popular

(I am working on register at a popular grocery store. I usually make jokes and puns with the customers, partly because it’s fun for the customers, but mostly because it’s fun for me.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “It’s a good day; I just got off work.”

Me: *jokingly* “Oh, just rub it in, why don’t you?”

Customer: “I do; I’m a masseuse.”

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The Kicker? They Didn’t Kick Anyone

| IA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Popular

(I am the customer in this story. It’s a Thursday and I’m at the end of my errands which have not been going well, especially at this place. I approach the clerk at the express checkout lane with my handful of items that took half an hour to gather.)

Clerk: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

Me: *frustrated and exhausted* “Hi, I’m terrible; how are you?”

Clerk: *she’s clearly taken back for a moment* “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I help?”

Me: “I’m sorry, this the sixth store I’ve been to today. It’s crowded everywhere; people are blocking the aisles and just wandering around like they’ve never been shopping before. How can two people obliviously stand and block an entire aisle without realizing they’re being rude to everyone else?”

Clerk: “Yes, they are the worst.”

Me: *defeated sigh* “I managed to not kick anyone.”

Clerk: “And I’m proud of you for it!”

(Thank you, underpaid grocery clerk, for listening to my problem. You made my day *so* much better.)

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The Voice Of Fairness

| AB, Canada | Bizarre, Popular

(In my day job, I’m an announcer on a radio station. However, radio money isn’t very good, so I take a second job stocking shelves in a grocery store. I’m working at the grocery store one night when a customer approaches…)

Customer: “Hey, can you tell me where the ketchup is?”

Me: “Yup! Three aisles over, sir.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks.” *pauses for a minute* “Ya know, your voice sounds familiar.” *looks at my name tag* “Hey! Are you [My Name] from the radio station?”

Me: “Yes, I am, sir.”

Customer: “What, is this some kind of contest or something?”

Me: “Nope. I work here.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Me: “Well, money’s a little tight these days, so I took a second job.”

Customer: “But that’s not fair!”

Me: “Meh. Lots of people take two jobs to make ends meet.”

Customer: “BUT YOU’RE ON THE RADIO!”

Me: “I don’t understand what that has to do with anything.”

Customer: “You’re, like, the best guy on the radio! I can’t believe they don’t pay you enough! Don’t worry; I’ll take care of this.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Tomorrow, I’m going to head down to the station and talk to your boss! Now that the listeners know, we’ll make sure they pay you what you’re worth! Just wait… once I’m through with your boss, you’ll be running that station!”

(The customer stormed off, muttering about how unfair it was. He never did come down to the station.)