(As we fill the bunks in the fresh produce department off loaded trolleys, we often get customers asking if they can take items directly off the trolley instead of the display. Of course, we tell them yes.)

Me: *cheerfully filling kiwi fruit*

Customer: *takes one off the trolley* “Can I take this?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: *kiwi fruit in hand, strolls out of the store*

Me: *stunned*

(Now I always remember to say ‘only if you pay for it.’ Thanks, random customer, for making me sound like a b**** to all the paying customers.)

(I’m the cashier in the story. A couple with a pushchair come to my till with baby clothes. It’s been a long morning and I’m wearing down a little and miss a few details. The baby in the pram has a head of red hair and a bright smile.)

Me: “Aww, that’s a bonny baby.”

Father: *chuckles* “Yeah, she doesn’t take anything after me.”

Me: “I don’t know. She has your hair.”

Mother: *bursts into giggles*

(Turned out, whilst I noticed he had a bushy red beard, he was actually bald. No wonder he didn’t look too amused!)

(My mother, brother, and I are shopping. My brother is only about three years old. While we’re at the checkout, he sneezes. For a few seconds he looks at everybody else in the line, then proceeds to shout as loudly as he can:)

Brother: “SOMEBODY BLESS ME!”

Everybody: *stares*

Mom: *embarrassed* “Bless you.”

Brother: *huge grin*

(I have an inner ear condition and am hearing impaired but not really to the degree that I need a hearing aid. An older woman approaches my line.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: *mumbles while looking at the floor*

Me: “Um… I’m sorry. What did you say?”

Customer: *sighs and looks to the right, still away from me, mumbling again*

Me: “Ah, okay.”

(I ring up her items and tell her the total. She holds up three different cards and mumbles again, but I can read her lips to understand, ‘not enough.’)

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say you want to use all three cards?”

(She nods and rolls her eyes, then swipes the first card.)

Me: “All right, and how much did you want on that one?”

Customer: *mumbles into the card reader*

Me: “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

(She mumbles once more, but since this is the third time I asked her to repeat herself and I’m feeling embarrassed, I just let the transaction run through as if she was using one card because I have no idea how much she wanted on there. The card is, of course, declined and she shouts wordlessly.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Could you swipe it again, please? And I’m sorry, but how much did you say you wanted on that card?”

(AGAIN she mumbles, with her head bowed so low I can’t even see her lips to try to read them. By that point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I really need you to speak up, please. I’m hearing impaired and you’re speaking rather softly. I can’t hear you at all.”

Customer: “You lying b****!”

Me: *taken aback* “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “Lying about being deaf is no excuse for your irresponsibility! You’re young! You’re not deaf. If you were, you’d have an earpiece in! You just listen to your music too loud; all you kids do. Keep that up, and you WILL be deaf before long!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have [inner ear condition]. I have constant, loud ringing in my ears. Several times per day I lose all hearing in one or both of my ears for anywhere between three seconds to three hours. You’re right; I’m most likely going to completely lose my hearing before I’m 40 because there’s no cure or real treatment for it beyond surgery that might not even work. So please, while I still can hear you at all, could you speak up just a little?”

(The customer stares at me, red-faced and silent, for a few moments. Finally she swipes the card again and then looks at me.)

Customer: *loudly* “I’d like $10 on this card, please.”

(We have a regular customer who is a WW II veteran, at least 90-years-old, and lives alone. He prides himself on being cantankerous. I always make an effort to be nice to him so that he’ll have no excuse for throwing his food on the belt, insulting us, etc. I’m a young woman, and I wear a LGBT-rainbow bracelet to work.)

Me: *while ringing up items* “Good morning, sir. How are you today?”

Customer: “You’re nice to me. Most people aren’t, you know.”

Me: “Well, you served our country. That seems a pretty good reason to be nice to you. Alrighty, sir, your total today is $13.95.”

Customer: “Good. I’ve got enough left over to take you out to lunch.”

Me: “You’ll have to check with my girlfriend on that.”

Customer: *as he pulls out money* “Are you lookin’? Don’t look!”

(This is a regular thing with him. I just smile and look away, holding out my hand for the money. My bracelet is in plain sight.)

Customer: “I don’t like a suspicious woman!”

Me: *deliberately, but lightly* “Neither does my girlfriend. Good thing I’ve been faithful to her the whole two years we’ve been together.”

(Customer finishes handing me the money.  I ring him up, then give him the change and the receipt. My bagger is stifling laughter.)

Customer: “You know I’m only gonna get worse if you let me.”

Me: “I’ll let my girlfriend know, but I think you’re pretty harmless.”

Customer: “And I think you’re pretty, especially when you smile.”

Me: “Thank you. I’ll have to tell my girlfriend that! You have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!” *grins and scooters off*

Bagger: “I don’t think he gets it.”

Me: “He treated me exactly the same as he would if I’d mentioned a boyfriend. Who knows, maybe he’s an LGBT ally!”