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Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket…

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2009

(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”


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Customer Service Saves Another Life

, , , | Right | February 26, 2009

Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?”

Me: “A good amount, why?”

Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because it could very well kill him.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *nodding*

Customer: “Oh…”

Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name

, , | Right | February 20, 2009

(I’m carrying out grocery bags for a middle-aged guy.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “I’m good, you?”

Me: “I’m good, glad that it’s not snowing at the moment.”

Customer: “So, your name is [My Name], right?

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to call you Samantha.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “So, how are you today, Sammy?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Sammy? Samantha? How are you?”

Me: “Um… I’m good…” *walks away*

Paranoia In The W.C.

, , , | Right | February 20, 2009

(I was just about to clean the ladies’ room when a female customer walked up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how do you lock this door?”

Me: “There’s no lock on the door, but there are stalls in there.”

Customer: “But, what if someone tries watching me? I want to know I’m safe from voyeurs.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure nobody will be watching.”

Customer: “What about the men’s room? Is there a lock over there?”

Me: “Well, there’s a stall in there, but there’s two in this one.”

Customer: “But, no lock?”

Me: “Would it help if I stood guard?”

Customer: *now yelling* “Oh? So, you think you can get a little peep show?! Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t tolerate a pervert in my midst! I’ll take my business elsewhere, and you’re getting reported for harassment!”

Me: “But, I–”

Customer: “Good day!” *storms out*

Manager: *listening from his office* “What was that all about?!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2009

(I am monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding cilantro angrily waves me over.)

Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ — cilantro is spelled with a ‘C.'”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

Me: “…”