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Just Quit While You’re Ahead

, , | Right | June 25, 2008

Me: “You find everything okay today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your face? Are you okay?”

Me: “What? What are you talking about?”

Customer: “Your jaw! It’s so swollen!”

Me: “Um… no, I’m just fine.”

Customer: “Oh… your left jaw is just so huge, I thought, maybe… never mind.”

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And Here, We See The Customer In His Native Habitat

, , | Right | June 23, 2008

(I was quietly working down my aisle when a disgruntled man stops at the end and looks at me.)

Me: *resumes working as he is making no advances*

Man: “Awwharhaghhsss!”

Me: *looks up*

Man: “TOMATO SAUCE!” *angry look*

Me: “Uhhhh…”

Man: *furious look*

Me: “…aisle 10!”

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Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2008

(It is 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I work at closes at 6:00 pm.)

Customer: “Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? I need a 20-pound frozen turkey!”

Me: “Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

Customer: “Go look in the back! I know you have some hiding back there.”

Me: “Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. What’s out is all we have.”

Customer: “LISTEN! I NEED A G**D*** 20-POUND TURKEY! GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

Me: “There are no more turkeys in the back.”

Customer: “I’ll just go look myself!”

(The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

Customer: “GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

Big Butcher: “GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”


This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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Armageddon Shopping List: Holy Water, Crucifix, Tic Tac

, , , , | Right | June 18, 2008

(I am working at the express lane one Sunday morning, and this family comes in. Keep in mind that they look like something straight out of the Beverly Hillbillies. They purchase a few things, and their total comes up to $6.66.)

Customer: *looks at total in horror and points to son* “Quick, get some candy, gum, anything!”

(His son then proceeds to throw a box of Tic Tacs at me.)

Customer: “I will not have the Devil’s number as my total!”

Me: “Thank you, sir. Have a nice day!”


This story is featured in our Religious Customers roundup!

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Cutting The Cheese 101 Has A Nice Air To It

, , | Right | June 16, 2008

(One of my friends works part-time at the deli counter in a grocery store. One day a rather well-to-do looking — the word he used was “snooty” — woman and her not-too-bright looking son came up to the counter.)

Woman: “I’d like one pound of muenster cheese.”

Friend: “Very well.”

(He proceeds to slice the cheese on the slicer, and weighs it out; it’s .97 pounds. He attempts to hand it to her.)

Woman: “That’s NOT a pound of cheese.”

(Slightly perturbed, he slices another slice of cheese and places it on top of the existing pile. It is now 1.02 pounds of cheese. Again, she sighs and appears indignant.)

Woman: “Is that including the paper?”

(He then peels the slice in half and puts the half slice on the pile; it’s .99 pounds now. At this point, the woman leans over to her less-than-brilliant-looking son, and whispers, loud enough for my friend to hear:)

Woman: “This is why you go to college.”

(My friend goes to an Ivy League school.)

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