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Confessions Of A Teenage Bagger

, , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I’m a 17-year-old bag boy at a local grocer. I’m finishing up an order when the customer, a middle-aged woman, walks uncomfortably close to me and stares at my curly hair.)

Me: “How are you doing this evening, ma’am?”

Customer: “I love your hair.”

Me: “Uh… thanks. I kind of hate it, to be honest.”

Customer: “I just want to go barefooted and romp around in it like I was in a meadow.”

Me: “…have a good day, ma’am.”

Customer: “Bye!”

(She winked. I shuddered.)

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Fowl Behavior, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2008

(At the deli where I work, every couple hours I cook up between 12 and 20 whole chickens. They’re kept in the hot holding cabinet for customers to grab.)

Customer: “I need ten.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “These whole chickens. I need ten of them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s all we have, because we’re closing soon.”

Customer: *rolls her eyes and takes absolutely everything left out of the holding cabinet*

(Another customer approaches me soon afterward.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, that lady just grabbed a chicken out of my hands, claiming it was hers. Will there be any more?”

(Yes, that’s right. The first lady was going around taking chickens from other customers. Unbelievable.)

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This Was Before He Started Lobbing Cantaloupes

, , | Right | July 29, 2008

Me: “If I can just get your signature there…”

Elderly Customer: *scribbles his name, then starts drawing on the counter*

Me: “Uh… sir?”

Elderly Customer: *starts drawing up the side of the cash register*

Me: “Sir? You just… sign your name.”

Elderly Customer: *doodles in the air, up and up… and then jabs me in the forehead with the pen and tries to draw on my face*

Me: “What the h***?”

Elderly Customer: “Reactions like that would have gotten you killed in the war!”

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The War Of 1812 Revisited

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

Old Man: “Thank you. Is your family doing anything for the 4th of July?”

Me: “Not really. We’re Canadian so we may hold a BBQ on July 1st, which is Canada Day.”

Old Man: “WHAT? You’re not American? I thought all foreigners had to become American when they came to this country!”

Me: “No, sir, my family all has green cards, so we’re all still Canadian citizens.”

Old Man: “I’M SICK OF ALL YOU F****** ILLEGAL ALIENS TAKING ALL OUR F****** JOBS! AN AMERICAN BOY SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB!”


This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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Want to read the roundup? Click here!

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Oh, Give Me A Home Where The Jumbo Shrimp Roam

, , | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Can I help you with anything, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for some shrimp.”

Me: “Shrimp is in the seafood department, right over there.”

Customer: “See, I don’t want to boil them, I just want to barbecue them.”

Me: “Okay, well, they should be in the seafood department.”

Customer: “But I want to barbecue them. Could you get me a pound of shrimp?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have shrimp in the deli.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any?”

Me: “We only have deli meat and cheese in the deli. The seafood department has shrimp, just over there.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because shrimp are seafood… They live in the sea.”

Customer: “…really?”

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