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Welcome To Retail, Part 2

, , , | Right | September 11, 2008

(It’s my first day on the job. I just finished scanning all of a customer’s groceries and given her the total when she holds up a roll of paper towels. She hadn’t put them on the conveyor belt.)

Customer: “Why didn’t you ring this up?”

Me: “Oh. You didn’t put it down on the conveyor belt. I’ll add it to your–”

Customer: “Why is it my fault? You should have rung it up the first time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you didn’t–”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager. ”

(I call my manager over.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Yeah, she didn’t ring this up.” *holds up paper towels*

Manager: “Ma’am, did you put it on the conveyor belt?”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “Then how could she ring it up?”

Customer: “By sliding it across the beepy thingy, duh!”

Manager: “How could she if you hadn’t put it down?”

Customer: “…I don’t know. She just should have!”

Manager: “Well, then why don’t I take that and we’ll ring that up for you right away.”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “Why not, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t want to pay for them.”

Manager: “Okay, ma’am. I can return them to the aisle for you.”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “What?”

Customer: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “I’m taking them.”

Manager: “That’s theft, ma’am.”

Customer: “Fine!” *slams paper towels on conveyor belt*

(She eventually paid, but not before flipping us the bird. How nice for my first day.)


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Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2008

(A new employee informs me that she spotted a little boy sneaking some candy in his pants. I confront the boy and an older woman about it.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Hey, kiddo, what’s in your pocket?”

Boy: “Nothing!”

Granny: “Oh, h***, again?! Boy, if you don’t put that d***ed candy back, that lady’s gonna call the police on you! And I ain’t gonna stop her none.”

(The boy, crying, hands me two candy bars and a handful of suckers. I thank the lady, and get back to work. A few minutes later, the boy’s mother comes up to me.)

Mama: “Is that the b****?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mama: “Ain’t talking to you.”

Boy: “Yes, mama.”

Mama: “Girl, you being rude to my son?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Mama: “So why you take away his candy?”

Me: “Because it wasn’t paid for.”

Mama: “Says who? I got him that candy!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s at least 100 degrees outside, and your boy had unmelted chocolate in his pocket. He didn’t bring that in with him. Besides, he was seen taking the candy off the shelf.”

Mama: “What? Who said that?” *turns to the other cashiers* “Which one of you a**holes told on my boy?”

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s not important.”

Mama: “What’s your point, then?!”

Me: “The point is, your boy was caught stealing.”

Mama: “Forget about the d***ed candy, you nosy b****! Ain’t none of your business!”

Me: “Ma’am, your son was spotted shoplifting, which is a crime. You’re lucky I don’t report him.”

Mama: “You stupid b****! I don’t give a flying f*** about the candy!”

(She raises her hands as if to hit me.)

Me: *to Coworker* “Call the manager; he should be in by now.”

(Just then, Granny appears out of nowhere and smacks her daughter with her handbag.)

Granny: “WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING, GIRL?” *continues to smack and berate her daughter* “Upsetting people like that! No common sense! S***! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!”

Mama: “But, Ma–”

Granny: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! GET IN THE D***ED CAR!” *turns to me* “I’m so sorry about that. She’s crazy, I swear to God. She’ll never come back in here; I promise.”

Me: “…”

Granny:  *to Mama* “CAN’T TAKE YOUR CRAZY A** NOWHERE! S***!”

(She walked out like nothing happened, and true to her word, I’ve not seen that lady since.)


This story is included in our Candy roundup!

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When Customers Attack

, , , | Right | September 2, 2008

(A lady comes up to me with a cart.)

Lady: “Where’s the toilet paper that’s on sale?”

Me: “It should be in aisle 18.”

(We’re looking for the toilet paper when another man comes up and stands quietly nearby, clearly waiting for me to help him. The lady turns to the man and RAMS him with her cart.)

Lady: “Stay back, f***er! She’s helping me first!”

Man: “Excuse me? I was just waiting to ask where the cereal is–”

Lady: *rams cart into him again* “F*** OFF!”

(Surprisingly, the man did not retaliate and I waved him off to the appropriate aisle.)


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Prankin’ Like It’s 1929

, , | Right | August 29, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Older Caller: “Ma’am, do y’all sell olive oil?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Older Caller: “But do you have it in a can?”

Me: “I’ve never seen one, but I know we have it in bottles of varying–”

Older Caller: “Could you check for me?”

(I go down the aisle and sure enough, we carry massive 3-liter tin containers.)

Me: “Ma’am, sorry about the wait. But to answer your question, we do have it in large three-liter cans as well as bottles of varying size. If you want I can pull one off the shelf and hold it at the service de–”

Older Caller: “So you DO have olive oil in a can?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Aisle four.”

Older Caller: “WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER THAT POPEYE’S LOOKIN’ FOR HER!” *hangs up*

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She Wouldn’t Last A Minute In 1478

, , , | Right | August 27, 2008

(A lady and her husband purchase a few items and proceed to pay with a debit card on a card reader. After scanning her card she stands there looking at it.)

Me: “You just need to enter your PIN here and press enter.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Do you want cash back?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “All right, then just press ‘no’ on the card reader.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “Now, it’s asking you to confirm the total.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! So many f***ing questions! What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”


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