(I work in a small corner shop. It’s around two pm and the store is pretty dead. A lady walks in and purchases a large quantity of alcohol, paying in cash. She spots the engagement ring on my finger as I hand her the change.)

Customer: “Aww, are you getting married?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve been engaged for almost two months now.”

Customer: “That’s nice. I’ve been married for just under thirty years now.”

(She reaches back into her purse and pulls out a twenty pound note.)

Customer: “You seem like such a sweet girl. Here, take this. Put it towards your husband’s suit or something.”

(I don’t like taking other people’s money, especially from strangers, so she puts it on the counter.)

Me: “Well, um, actually my, uh, girlfriend and I are both gonna be wearing dresses but thanks.”

(I don’t tend to discuss my personal life with customers much, and this one showed me why. Nodding for the briefest of moments before she realised what I’d said, her eyes widened in shock and she turned around and sprinted out of the store faster than I would have believed for someone of her age, leaving behind the £20 as well as all her purchases. We kept them behind the counter for a week before my boss decided to donate them to me and my now wife for our wedding. It’s been a month now since the wedding, but no-one since has asked about it.)

(I am ringing up a customer who is known by almost all of the staff as being deaf. Our store requires the cashier and bagger to greet the customer, offer carry-out, etc. I smile at the customer and say:)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

(She smiles and nods. I usually have small chit chat with the customers while I am ringing them up, but since I don’t know sign language, I keep silent and continue ringing her up, smiling at her as I do so. A known obnoxious bagger comes to help me bag the order.)

Bagger: “Hi, ma’am, how are you today?”

(The customer doesn’t reply since she is deaf and didn’t notice he has spoken to her.)

Bagger: “Ma’am, I asked you how you are today.”

(Still not getting a response and getting angry for her not answering him, I decide to intervene.)

Me: “[Bagger], she can’t hear you.”

Bagger: *screaming as loud as he can* “MA’AM, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?!”

Me: “[Bagger], she’s deaf!”

(The bagger turned red and didn’t say a word the rest of the transaction. I have learned to change my wording for the future to ‘She is deaf’ not ‘She can’t hear you.’)

(The city we live in has a very high percentage of white people and a very low percentage of black people, so as a toddler my friend was confused one day by their cashier at the grocery store, who was black.)

Friend: “Mummy? Why is that man made of chocolate?”

(The cashier was not amused.)

(I drink large quantities of pop/soda. I went to the store to pick up a couple 12-packs, not grabbing a cart because I can carry them. They are out of my favorite, but have two-liter bottles on sale. I don’t want to get a cart, so I just pick up a box of eight of them.)

Cashier: “Dang, you got the whole box?”

Me: “I didn’t get a cart and was too lazy to walk and get one.”

Cashier: *takes one out and scans it 7 times* “Yeah, I get you man.” *pauses, then counts the bottles in the box under his breath* “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”

(He proceeded to do this THREE times, even tapping the bottles as he counted. He put the eighth bottle in and promptly charged me for the seven he counted to. I just stood there in bewilderment.)

Cashier: “Have a nice day!”

Me: “Uh… you, too…”

(Sometimes we get customers who don’t realise that we have so many variations of different meats. This happens on a day when my coworker is tired and on her last nerve, and is therefore being rather unhelpful.)

Customer: “I’d like some of that one, please.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The salami.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The mild.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: *irked* “The Hungarian.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “Gah! The one that isn’t free range!”

Coworker: *smiles brightly* “Coming right up, sir!”

(The customer looked about ready to smash his head onto the counter. Occasionally when I order something from this coworker I’ll repeat the above conversation just for a laugh. For some reason she never finds it funny.)