(I am no older than three or four. Like many young boys, I am absolutely enthralled with dinosaurs. Mom and Dad have me in the grocery cart’s seat.)

Dad: “Hang tight, bud. I’m going to get something over here while your mom gets her stuff.”

(Dad looks away from me for about a minute, and just as he turns around my Mom is rounding the corner from another aisle.)

Dad: “[My Name]! What are you doing?!”

(Cue picture of a young me, arms behind my back, face-first in the biggest broccoli stalk I could find and munching away with no hands!)

Me: “Dad, it’s okay! I’m a leaf-eating dinosaur!”

Dad: “Ooohhh… Okay…” *picks up broccoli*

(Mom tried not to lose it and had to leave the aisle again so she could crack up in peace.)

(My coworker has been with us just over a week. Almost every fruit or vegetable at our store can be typed in with a short code at the register.)

Coworker: “Hey, do know the code for this big bushel of parsley? I can’t find it.”

(We were all amazed because we don’t sell parsley. We turned around and saw she was holding… broccoli! She left quite soon after.)

(I’m in line at a grocery store. The cashier is a girl in her teens, and looks like she’s had a long night. She’s not rude or anything, just not particularly perky. She’s bagging the customer’s items.)

Customer: *leaning towards the cashier with a big creepy smile on her face* “You know, the smiles here are free!”

(The cashier’s eyes widen a little, but before she can decide if this woman is serious, the customer keeps going:)

Customer: “You know, I used to work as a cashier, and I know how hard it can be, but you just HAVE to keep smiling! Smiling is SO important in this job!”

(She smiles even wider, clearly pleased with herself and the ‘wisdom’ she’s imparted. She takes her bags, smiles EVEN WIDER, and skips off.)

Me: “I wonder if she knows that she stole that line from McDonald’s?”

Cashier: *dazed* “No, I think she thinks she came up with it. Thank god I’m off in five minutes!”

(My husband and I both work at the same small grocery store. One of the company’s policies is that the meat department has to cook bacon in the morning because the scent makes customers hungry and then they buy more. The cooked bacon is supposed to be sampled to customers, but if it’s slow staff can eat it. I see my husband deliver bacon to a couple of coworkers.)

Me: “Bacon?”

Husband: “Bacon?”

Me: “Bacon.”

Husband: “Bacon.”

(A few minutes later he brings me some.)

Husband: “Bacon.”

Me: “Bacon!”

(Weird stares from coworkers.)

(I have recently started working in the deli of a grocery store.)

Me: “Hello. How are you today, miss?”

Customer: “Hi, I would like some [Brand] ham please.”

Me: “Sure, and how much of the [Brand] ham would you like?”

Customer: *thinking* “Um… I’ll take about a quarter — no! I’ll take less than that. I want more than a third of a pound, but no more than one quarter pound!”

(I tried my best not to laugh at the fact that a third is actually MORE than a fourth (difference between 0.33 and 0.25 respectively). I ended up slicing her one fifth instead. No wonder there’s a math joke saying that ‘5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions!’)