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I Read Can

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(The customer I’m checking out is having an issue swiping her card. After the machine fails to read the stripe for the third time I offer to manually key in the number. Unfortunately I end up slipping up as well due to trying to speedily finish the transaction.)

Customer: “What the heck is taking so long? Can’t you read?”

Me: “I do apologize. My dyslexia usually chooses the worst moments to rear its ugly head.”

Customer: “So you actually can’t read, then? Huh, figures.” *points to a fairly expensive bottle of wine* “You know that’s half off right?”

Me: *reading the price tag* “Erm… I’m sorry, but no it isn’t.”

Customer: “It says right over there!” *points to a sign over the wine section advertising a sale on our local vintages*

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that sign is referring to wines produced in state, which are buy one, get one free. This is an imported vintage so it’s not eligible.”

Customer: “You just said you were dyslexic! That you can’t read!”

Me: “Dyslexic means I sometimes mix up the order of numbers or words, ma’am. What you’re thinking of is ‘illiterate.’”

(The customer silently glared at me as I finally got her card to go through and stormed out grumbling.)

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Getting A Good Customer Is A Lottery

| IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Popular

(It’s Sunday morning and I’m working the front desk of a grocery store that has a lottery machine. A woman approaches the desk; she has a way over-the-top, annoyingly positive attitude.)

Woman: *through a beaming smile* “I’d like the winning numbers to the lottery drawing, please. I heard there was a winner and I want to see if I won!”

(I look at her ‘ticket’ and see it isn’t a lottery ticket. It is a printout of winning numbers from previous drawings. They print these up on the same paper as the regular tickets.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am, you already have the winning numbers there…”

Woman: “I know! I bought this from [Gas Station down the street] and I feel lucky!”

Me: “No, no… You don’t understand. You already have a printout of winning numbers.”

Woman: “I know!”

(Then it hits me. She went into the gas station and, as a joke, said she wants ‘the winning lottery numbers’; the clerk behind the counter took her literally, and gave her a printout of the winning numbers. She has no clue she doesn’t have a valid lottery ticket.)

Me: “Here, let me show you what I mean.”

(I print out a copy of the most recent previous drawings. Needless to say, the two ‘tickets’ are identical.)

Me: “This is a printout of the winning numbers…”

(As I’m explaining this, she compares her ‘ticket’ with the one I just gave her. Then her eyes get wide.)

Woman: “I WON!! I WON! Look, look, all the numbers match. I can’t believe I won! I WON! I WON!”

Me: “Ma’am? Your ‘ticket’ isn’t a ticket.”

Woman: “WHAT?! Yes, it is! I bought this at the gas station…”

(I print up a valid ticket and show it to her.)

Me: “Valid tickets have the barcode on the bottom of them and the date they are good for.”

Woman: “But I paid for this!”

Me: “Then you’d better go back there and get your money back.”

(She turns to leave but then turns back.)

Woman: “But all my numbers match.”

(The kicker to this story was I bought the ticket I printed up to use as an example and it won a lower tiered prize. I didn’t mind pocketing $80.00 the next weekend!)

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At Least He Doesn’t Discriminate

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I’m a 22 year old male and I work as a bagger, or “service clerk,” at a chain grocery store. One night, at roughly four in the morning, a man comes up to the line. He has with him a baseball bat, a cucumber, some cough spray that numbs the back of the throat, preparation H wipes, and a box of condoms.)

Customer: *leans over the belt and waggles his eyebrows at the female cashier* “So, what are you doing after work?”

Cashier: *immediately goes on the defensive* “Going home and spending some time with my boyfriend.”

Customer: *looks defeated, then looks over at me* “What about you?”

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Working Here Is A Brain Drain

| Bellevue, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Health & Body

(I am sweeping the store when I see one of our regulars standing on a grocery basket to reach a soda bottle on the top shelf.)

Me: “Can I help you get that down?”

Customer: “It’s okay; I’m lightweight.”

Me: “So is the basket’s construction.”

Customer: “Well, if it breaks I’ll buy it.”

(He gets down.)

Me: “I’m more worried you’ll fall and crack your head open… because guess who gets to clean THAT up?”

Customer: *laughs* “Brain cleanup in aisle eleven!”

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What An Old Bag

| IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Popular

(I’m working the front desk of a grocery store. The employee that is assigned to collect the shopping carts from the parking lot brings in a purse he found left behind. Most women are happy and relieved their purse is returned. The woman who owns this purse comes in a few minutes later.)

Woman: *in a rush and in a near panic* “Did someone turn in a purse? I just pulled out of the parking lot and realized it was missing and it wasn’t where I left my cart.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, a purse was turned in. Can you describe it to me?”

(She describes the purse exactly and I go in the back, get it and give it to her.)

Woman: *relieved* “Oh, thank you so much. Did someone turn it in?”

Me: “Yes, one of the guys just turned it in a couple of minutes ago.”

Woman: “Which one?”

Me: “[Employee]. He’s bringing in a load of carts now.”

(The woman walks over to him and goes into psycho mode in an instant.)

Woman: “Did you turn in my purse?”

Employee: “Yes, I found it.”

Woman: *raising her voice* “Did you steal anything from it?”

Employee: “No! I just turned it in.”

Woman: *waving her finger in his face* “If you even peeked in here I’ll have you up on charges!”

Employee: “No! I didn’t…”

(The manager overhears this.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I was outside when I saw him find your purse. He brought it inside and immediately turned it in.”

Woman: “So you are all in on this? You all had plenty of time to go through here and steal something. If there is so much as a nickel missing from here, the next time I come in here it will be with the police!” *storms out*

Manager: “Have a nice day?”

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