We Wish Jew A Merry Christmas

| CT, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s Christmas Eve and the store is open until midnight but closed the next day. I’m bagging groceries for a middle aged woman.)

Customer: “You poor boy. I feel so bad for you that you have to work on Christmas!”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay. I’m more of a Hanukkah kind of guy myself.”

Customer: *gasps* “You mean you’re a Jew?! Oh, dear. Well, then I hope you have fun burning in Hell.”

(She then spits at me, landing a shot on my tie. Everyone is frozen in horror and completely speechless.)

Cashier: “What the h*** is wrong with you, lady?!”

(The manager hears the cashier yell and walks over.)

Manager: “What’s going on here??”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d let this moneychanger cheapen our Lord and Savior by flaunting himself in public and earning money on the day we mourn Christ’s crucifixion by HIS godforsaken people!”

Manager: “Ma’am, this young man volunteered to work a double shift tonight so that our other employees could be at home with their families for Christmas. So did many of our Jewish employees. Furthermore, nothing can excuse your behavior so I have to ask that you leave the store immediately.”

Customer: “I most certainly WILL NOT. I have a right to be here as an American and a Christian.”

Manager: “Neither of those things have anything to do with you being ejected from a private establishment. You have only yourself and your rude and disgusting behavior to blame for that. Come along now.”

Customer: *shrugs off his hand and steps back* “That’s just despicable! They’re abominations and should be wiped off the earth!”

Customer #2: *from behind her* “Well that’s the most UN-Christian thing I’ve ever heard.”

Customer: “Who asked your opinion?!”

(She turns around to see the speaker is the pastor from the local church, who has been standing in line at the next register. She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth.)

Pastor: “No one, [Customer], but you’ve asked for my advice on so many other occasions. So I’d advise you now to apologize to this young man who is toiling especially hard today for the benefit of your fellow congregants, and who has shown remarkable restraint and tolerance, and then I advise you to leave as they’ve asked. I also expect to see you at services tomorrow in the very front row, because you obviously haven’t heard the Lord’s teachings very well.”

Me: “Here are your groceries, ma’am, and also: I’m pretty sure you mourn the crucifixion on EASTER and celebrate the NATIVITY on Christmas. Have a nice day.”

Teaching Them About The Honey And The Bees

| Aurora, CO, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(I’m working as a cashier at a local health food store when I notice a gentleman standing in the honey section and staring at all of the jars looking really distraught. Eventually he comes to me for assistance.)

Me: “Hi! Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Do you have any bee honey?”

Me: “Yes, of course. It’s right over here”

Customer: “No, I looked there already. All you have is clover honey.”

Me: “Sir, clover honey just means that the bees used mainly clover plants to make the honey.”

Customer: “No! My girlfriend told me to pick up some bee honey! I need honey made by bees not by clover!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you, all honey comes from bees. Clover honey means that the bees used nectar from clover plants. Wildflower honey means the bees used nectar from wildflowers. Both honeys come from bees, just the taste is a little different.”

Customer: *stares blankly then narrows his eyes at me* “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I assure you; it all comes from bees.”

Customer: “…I don’t believe you.”

Me: “I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you. If you buy some and it’s not what your girlfriend wants, you can return it.”

Customer: “…Okay. I’ll buy it. But I still don’t think it’s from bees.”

(He didn’t return it, so I guess he was happy with it!)

A Tinny Tiny Problem With Her Hearing

| IL, USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem, Technology

(Customers are packed in a tight aisle, so to get out of the way my brother and I go to the end of the aisle and stand there. We are in front of the coffee creamer and are talking about mp3 players. Suddenly, an old lady appears.)

Old Lady: *in a loud, almost yelling, voice* “You’re in front of what I need!”

(My brother and I move away and continue our conversation. The old lady takes literally five minutes to choose her creamer and just as she’s about to walk away…)

Me: *directed towards my brother* “Yeah, but your mp3 player sounds so tinny.”

Old Lady:  “What did you say?!”

Me: “Uhm… a certain type of mp3 player sounds tinny?”

Old Lady: *getting mad* “What did you say to me!?”

Me: *louder* “This mp3 player sound tinny!”

Old Lady: *really mad* “What! Are you serious?! Tell me again, what did you say to me!?”

Me: *pretty loud* “My brother’s mp3 player sounds bad!”

(There’s silence for a moment, then the old lady walks away without saying a thing.)

Brother: “Her hearing must be tinny.”

An Unrewarding Experience

| St. John's, NL, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I work as a supervisor at a grocery store, and we have just launched a new rewards card for the store, and started asking every customer with their order if they want to get the new card. I am called over to this exchange between a cashier:)

Me: “Hi, is there a problem?”

Customer: “Your cashier is trying to track me.”

Me: “Excuse me?” *I exchange glances with my cashier, who is very confused, too*

Customer: “What don’t you understand?”

Me: “How is she trying to track you?”

Customer: “She wants me to sign up for this card so the government can see everything I buy and everywhere I go.”

(I almost start laughing, before I realize he is serious.)

Me: “Sir, this card is just a rewards card for us to keep competitive with [Competitor].”

Customer: “I don’t shop there because they’re trying to track me, too. This government wants to get me. I’ve gotta get out of here.”

(The customer proceeded to walk out of the story, leaving his groceries behind, and I haven’t seen him since.)

Securing Their Good Behavior

| Lexington, KY, USA | Family & Kids

(There are two small children of about 10 years old in the store who are being very rowdy. The entire time they’ve been in the store they’ve been screaming, running around, and just being obnoxious. They are being accompanied by, I assume, their mother and grandmother. The grandmother flags me down to ask me a question about an item.)

Grandmother: “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me the price on [Product]? I don’t see a price tag.”

Me: “Oh, looks like one of our sale signs has it covered up. It’s [price].”

Grandmother: “Great! Thank you, sir.”

Me: “You’re welcome, ma’am. Will there be anything else?”

(The grandmother looks at the kids who are still causing a scene. She then looks at me as if to say “Play along with what I’m about to do.”)

Grandmother: “Yes, sir, do you know if that security officer is still here?”

(Both the kids freeze.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I haven’t seen him lately. He might be on the other side of the store right now.”

Grandmother: *to the kids* “You hear that? If you two don’t behave this man is going to tell that security officer on you!”

(The kids look back and forth between me and their grandmother like they’re trying to figure out if we’re joking.)

Me: *pointing to one of the security cameras* “Well, if he’s not on the floor he can still see you through our cameras.”

Mother: “Oh, yeah, there it is right there. See, kids? That officer is watching you!”

(At this point, the little boy immediately calms down but the girl still isn’t sure. Finally, I think the girl’s fear overrides her judgment.)

Girl: *on the verge of tears* “But I don’t wanna go to jail!”

Mother: “Well, you two better start behaving then.”

(The little girl hung her head and went to stand next to their cart. The grandmother mouthed the words “Thank you” to me and they moved along. I didn’t hear a peep from those kids the rest of the time they were in the store. And for the record, no, we don’t have a store security officer.)