(I’m hearing impaired, and because of this I have both hearing aids and a service dog who I bring with me everywhere in case my hearing aids fail. He’s very friendly. One day as I’m buying treats for my dog at a grocery store, a woman comes over.)

Woman: “Hello. I thought you weren’t allowed to have dogs in here.”

Me: “Oh, no. He’s a service dog.”

Woman: *immediately outraged* “YOU STOLE A BLIND PERSON’S SERVICE DOG! HOW DARE YOU?!”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am, I have a hearing impediment; I bring him with me in case my hearing aids fail—”

Woman: “BULLS***! YOU CAN HEAR FINE, AND ONLY BLIND PEOPLE NEED DOGS! GIVE HIM TO ME, YOU THIEF!”

(The woman tries to yank my dog’s leash from my hand, but the end of the leash loops around my shoulder, so it doesn’t really work too well.)

Woman: “GIVE ME THE DOG, YOU B****!”

(By this point she had drawn the attention of several employees, who were looking on in horror. Most employees are told not to touch other shoppers without consent, in case of lawsuits, so they just urged the women to let go of my dog, which she ignored. She then grabbed my dog by the tail. He started crying out in pain, and I did the first thing I could think of to protect my poor dog. I punched her twice: once in the stomach and again in the face. She let go right when the police arrived; she insisted I be arrested, but she herself was arrested for assault. I decided to press charges and I won the case, mainly because I had witnesses and store footage to back me up. She went to jail and had to pay me a large sum of money. Needless to say, my dog ate well after that!)

I used to work as a Bag Boy/Stockman type when I was 20
One day I was bagging a woman’s groceries and she asked me how my day was.
I replied “Oh I’m having a rough day since it’s so busy”
She said, “Would you like me to pray for you?”
Puzzled, I said “Sure why not.” Thinking she was going to go back to her church and pray on Sunday.
Instead she grabbed my arm right there as I was bagging, closed her eyes and began to pray.
I thanked her, offered to take her groceries out and she left.
I asked the Cashier if she had seen what had just happened and she totally missed it.

(I used to work at what was considered to be a “fancy” grocery store in our area. It’s around the holidays, and since we’re extra busy, I get pulled from my normal department to help check people out. My lane is the express lane, 20 items or less. I’m currently checking out an older woman, probably in her 80’s, who I realize is maybe 2-3 items over the limit).

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Older Woman: “Oh, yes dear!”

(Meanwhile, the lady behind her seems to be getting angrier as I start to ring up the Older Woman’s groceries)

Angry Lady: “You know this is 20 items or less, right? Did you ever learn how to read? Are you stupid are something?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gonna get everyone through this line as quickly as I possibly can.”

(The Angry Lady continues to berate and insult the Older Woman as I quickly ring up & bag her 2 extra items).

Older Woman (after paying): *Turns to Angry Lady* “Have a nice day.”

(This seems to make the Angry Lady more irate)

Angry Lady: *places her one item, a beet, on the belt* “You people need to learn how to do your damn jobs and kick rule-breakers out of your line. I just wasted extra minutes because you let that hag through. SEE? I HAVE ONE THING. O-N-E.”

(I don’t respond, and just ring up her one beet. She snatches the bag and storms out in a huff.)

Me (to the next customer, who is in disbelief): Fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la….

(It is about a week after Thanksgiving, and my husband and I are shopping for dinner supplies when we run into a friend and strike up a conversation. After a bit, we all point out our mutual dinner errand and end the conversation to go on our merry way.)

Husband: “See ya later!”

Friend: “See ya!”

Random Old Lady: *in a nasty tone* “What? No ‘Merry Christmas’? What kind of friends are you?”

Husband: *shocked for a moment, then incredulous* “I’m… sure we’ll see each other again before then, and he’s coming to my house anyway…”

Random Old Lady: *harumphs and walks off*

(It’s almost closing time and I’m the only cashier on duty. A customer comes up and I recognize him as the current boyfriend of a girl I used to go out with. As I scan the greeting card he’s buying, I notice what it says.)

Me: Uh, dude, you know she’s turning 18 tomorrow and not 17, right?

(The customer squints at me and my nametag, then raises his eyebrows in realization.)

Customer: Oh, it’s you! Don’t bull**** me, man. We’ve been together for like a month and she’s not taking you back or anything. Just ring me up. I’ve got a nice dinner planned at [local Italian restaurant] and everything. Doing it right.

Me: Just trying to help. Best of luck with that, though. Have a good night!

Customer: Oh, you know I will!

(The next night is slow and I’m the only cashier again. The same customer comes through my line, tomato sauce all over his shirt. I suppress a smile and scan his items: an “I’m Sorry” card and a bouquet of flowers.)

Me: I was right, wasn’t I?

Customer: Yeah, and the b**** pulled a total Jekyll & Hyde on me! She flipped out, threw her plate at me and then tried to stab me with a godd*** fork! Is this why you stopped going out with her??

Me: Well, let’s just say it was mutual: I forgot her cat’s name, so she tried to shove me out of a moving car. That was enough for me. Best of luck with that, though. Have a good night!