The Non-Joke’s On You

| USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

(I’m in the produce section, having just finished sweeping up stray bits of skin around our displays of onions and fresh garlic. It’s something that we find pretty regularly since the outer layers on both items tend to flake off whenever a customer picks up a piece up.)

Customer: “Heh, looks like you missed a spot.”

(I pause and look at him, then at the floor as there may very well be another piece of peel or dirt I didn’t get the first time around. However, I find nothing around the display.)

Customer: “I said, ‘looks like you missed a spot.’”

(I look at him in confusion, and then give the display another look over. Again I see nothing.)

Me: “I’m sorry, could I ask you to point out where you’re seeing this spot?”

Customer: “Gah, what are you r*******? I was making a joke! You’re supposed to laugh!”

Me: “…that was a joke?”

(The customer huffed and walked off. Later on I was told he complained about me apparently having a ‘terrible attitude.’)

An Expiration Date Worth One’s Salt

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer comes up to me with a can of table salt.)

Customer: “There’s no expiration date on this.”

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer: “But how will I know when it goes bad?”

Me: “Um, it’s salt. It doesn’t go bad.”

Customer: “Nonsense! All food goes bad!”

Me: “Sir, salt does not go bad. It’s a mineral.”

Customer: “It’s food! It goes bad!”

Me: “Sir, it’s a rock. Rocks do not go bad.”

Customer: “But it’s food!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “So when is the expiration date?”

(I give up and take the can from him, pretending to look for an expiration date.)

Me: “Ah, here it is.”

(I point to the UPC code.)

Me: “That’s the expiration date. As you can see, you’ve got a good twenty million years or so before that happens, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

Customer: “Thank you.”

(He walked off with his can of salt, muttering about how it was going to go bad before he could use it.)

Has Been Given “Alternative Facts” About Climate Change

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(A woman approaches my register and hands me four reusable grocery bags she has brought with her. I scan her groceries and start bagging them into the reusable bags.)

Woman: “What are you doing! Don’t put stuff directly in the bags! They’ll get dirty!”

(I stand confused for a moment, but she comes around and starts bagging items individually into plastic bags, then putting the plastic bags into the reusable bags. I follow her lead.)

Woman: “Honestly! You’d think they would have you better trained. EVERYONE uses cloth bags nowadays!”

Me: “I apologize. Most people use them because they are better for the environment.”

Woman: *smiling at me now* “Oh, I know. That’s why I bought them!”

Take It Or Break It

| NJ, USA | Wild & Unruly

(I have recently broken my leg and am on crutches. I have a handicap sign for my car and park in the last handicap spot available.)

Woman: *walks over from across the parking lot* “What the f*** are you doing?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Woman: *grabs my crutches* “You think you can just steal my spot?”

Me: *trying to balance on one foot* “Ma’am, this is a handicap spot. As you can see, I’m—”

Woman: “I’ve had enough of your crap!”

(She proceeds to push me, and I fall to the ground, hitting my already broken foot on the ground.)

Me: “What the heck is your problem? I can’t walk without them!”

Woman: “You know d*** well that you’re lying.”

(At this point, an employee sees me on the ground and runs out to help. He tries to help me up, but is stopped by the woman.)

Employee: “Ma’am, what’re you doing?”

Woman: *yelling* “THIS STUPID B**** TOOK MY F*** SPOT, AND IS PRETENDING TO BE HANDICAPPED TO GUILT TRIP ME!”

Employee: “Ma’am, this woman is handicapped, and can’t walk without her crutches! Give them back right now!”

Woman: “NO! NEVER! NOT UNTIL THIS B**** GIVES ME MY SPOT! I ALWAYS PARK HERE AND SHE HAS NO RIGHT! HANDICAPPED PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO PARK HERE!”

(At this point, the manager comes out because of all the ruckus. He and the employee start to fight the woman for my crutches, but she does not want to give them up. The employee eventually grabs them out of her hands, and helps me up while the manager deals with the woman.)

Employee: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Yeah, I think so. Thank you so much for the help!”

Manager: “Ma’am, get the f*** out of my store or I’ll call the police!”

Woman: “FINE! I’M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS F****** STORE!”

(I came back a few weeks later to find that the manager got her license plate and reported her to the police, and he even gave me a $100 gift card!)

Don’t Bring Your Baggage To The Store

| Allentown, PA, USA | At The Checkout

(I’m in line at the customer service desk waiting to make a return.)

Customer: “I left my shopping bag in here with all my coupons and glasses in it and I can’t drive home without them.”

Employee: “The only bag we have back there is this one.” *holds up a generic folded canvas tote*

Customer: “No, no, mine is one of your store brand reusable plastic bags with my glasses and coupons in it.”

Employee: “Well, I’m sorry, but this is the only one that has been turned in.”

Customer: “I already told you that isn’t mine! Look around back there. I know you have mine.”

Employee: “No, ma’am. I promise if I had another one, I would have shown it to you. Did you perhaps set it somewhere while you were shopping?”

Customer: “No, it was in my cart the whole time and when I put my things in the car, it wasn’t in the cart anymore. You have it back there, so just give it to me!”

Employee: “I don’t have your bag. This canvas one is the only one I have.”

Customer: “You’re not listening to me. Mine is a plastic one; I don’t want that canvas bag.”

Employee: “No, I’m not trying to give you the canvas bag; I’m just saying this is the only bag I have. Please check your car or where you were in the store. Maybe it fell out of the cart.”

Customer: *storming off* “This store’s a bunch of thieves! Stealing coupons from an old lady and expecting me to drive home without my glasses.”

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