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Red Apple Alert

| The Netherlands | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(It’s very busy in the store so all staff is manning the tills to keep the lines as short as possible. An elderly lady comes through my lane with a few fruits and vegetables.)

Customer: “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that your ‘red apples’ are Gala apples! They’re not red apples!”

Me: “Ma’am, we sell different species of red apples based on the season. Currently, that’s Gala apples. A few weeks ago we had Elstar.”

Customer: “No, Gala apples are not red! They look red, but they’re not red apples. I looked all over the store to find someone and tell them, but I didn’t see anyone.”

Me: “I apologise, ma’am. It’s rather busy right now so all staff is manning the tills. We do not sell a specific red apple, just the type currently in season.”

Customer: “But it’s not red!”

Me: “Yes, it is. See, it’s red.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, it looks red, but it’s not… red.”

Me: “We do sell other red apples in bags.”

Customer: “I don’t want a bag, I just wanted a few! And Gala apples are too sweet for me; I don’t like them. Why don’t you have red apples?”

Me: *gives up* “We also sell Granny Smiths.” *green, rather sour apples* “Those might be more to your liking.”

Customer: “Hmph, I might try those then. But you should still have red apples.”

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Her Excuse Is Not So Fresh

| IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am scanning a lady’s groceries at the checkout. She has several containers of a brand of guacamole that is packaged without a re-sealable top.)

Lady: “I love this guacamole you carry! Too bad it spoils so fast.”

Me: “Well, they are freshly made, so it’s important to keep them chilled.”

Lady: “I mean, they go bad in a matter of hours! I should really be able to return them!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Lady: “I have to buy a lot so I always have some! I mean really, why do they come in such large packages if it spoils so quickly?”

Me: “Well, it will go brown on the top if the lid is off for a matter of time, but that’s just an oxidization reaction, like in apples, so it’s still fresh.”

Lady: “I should get a refund every time this guacamole spoils!”

Me: “Guacamole does not go bad that quickly. It’s still perfectly edible even if there’s slight discoloration.”

Lady: *taking receipt and her several tubs of guacamole* No! It spoils! I’ll get my money back one of these days!”

Coworker: *once she has left the building* “The only thing spoiled here is her.”

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Has Beef With Your Explanation

| Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I work in a “healthy” grocery store chain. Walking to the front to start my cashier shift, a customer stops me and asks for help. This customer is about 50-55 and female.)

Customer: “Can you please tell me where the lamb chops are?”

Me: “Sure.”

(Since we are right by the meat section I show her where they are.)

Customer: “Oh, excellent. Can you tell me, are these lamb chops pork or beef?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Are these pork lamb chops or beef lamb chops?”

(Before I can respond, I have to think about her question for a moment.)

Me: “Are you asking if they are beef chops or pork chops? Those are lamb chops.”

Customer: *now getting irritated* “No, I KNOW they are lamb chops. Are they beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?!”

Me: “Ma’am, lamb chops come from lamb, pork from pigs, and beef from cows.”

Customer: “Yes! So are these beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?!”

Me: “Ma’am… lamb chops come from little baby sheep, baa baa.” *yes, I make the sounds* “Beef comes from cows, mooo! Pork comes from pigs, oink!

Customer: “No need to be so rude!”

(About 30 minutes later, my manager asks me into his office with a bemused look on his face. He asks about the conversation with the customer, who of course didn’t tell him anything but my last sentence.)

Boss: “So, what happened?”

Me: “Well, I could tell you the conversation in its entirety or I could ask you one question.”

Boss: “Okay, what is the question?”

Me: *deadpan* “Those lamb chops we have in the meat section, are they beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?”

(Pause.)

Boss: “Thank you for not making me talk to her.”

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Hard To Love Religion When It’s Full Of Hate

| FL, USA | Bigotry, Popular, Religion

(I’m Jewish and wear a Star of David pendant on a necklace everyday of my life. I have just finished ringing up a customer’s groceries.)

Customer: “What is that around your neck?”

Me: “It’s a Shield of David.”

Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself, wearing that like it’s a real religion.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are a real religion and still strong numbers wise.”

Customer: “God wiped out all the heathens and gays so stop your lying. You must be mixed. Only mixed hate God.”

Me: “Thank you for shopping with us. Also, Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jew. Please don’t come again.”

(Thankfully, I’m a manager and my supervisor thought it was hilarious.)

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Feeling Very Sorry For Hugh

| USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

(I’m putting back returns when an older man walks towards me.)

Customer: “Hi, any chance you can help me find some hugh-mass?”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure… Oh, you mean hummus?”

Customer: “No, no, I don’t want hummus. I want hugh-mass! It’s like a dip.”

Me: “Um… yeah. I’ll show you where it is.”

(I take him over to where the hummus is.)

Customer: “Ah, here it is! My wife’s been looking for hugh-mass for weeks! Thank you.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “No problem, sir.”

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